Up to Me(14)

“Cash,” I begin softly.

“Yeah, baby,” he whispers near my ear, the endearment settling around me like a warm blanket.

“I don’t blame you.”

He squeezes me and presses his lips to my shoulder. I can barely feel them through the lapel of my robe.

“Can I take this off you?” he breathes. “I want to feel your skin against mine.”

A pang of desire zings through me at the thought of him holding my naked body against his. It was only a few hours ago that we had sex for the fifth time today, but it feels like an eternity ago. So much has happened since then, so many emotions have come and gone, that it feels…different.

“Yes,” I whisper in response, answering him before my mind can talk me out of it.

I start to sit up, but Cash stops me. He leans up on one elbow and pulls my hair away from my face and neck, bending to press his lips against the soft skin beneath my ear.

“Let me.”

I do my best to relax when I feel his hand go to the knotted belt at my waist. He works it loose with his nimble fingers and then slowly pulls one end until it falls away.

Next, I feel his skin brush mine at my chest. He runs his hand along the inside of the lapel of the robe, opening it and pulling it away from my body all the way to my hip.

As light as the lavender scent emanating from my pores, Cash reaches up and eases the plush material over the ball of my shoulder, gently pressing his lips to the skin there. “You smell so good.”

Ever so slightly, his hips tip into mine. Desire gushes low into my belly when I feel his hardness press against me.

He drags his fingers along the skin of my arm, pushing the robe away as he goes. I bend my elbow and pull my arm free of the sleeve. Cash reaches down to push the rest of it off my legs.

“Turn toward me.”

Excitement humming along my nerve ends, I do as he asks and I turn onto my back and then continue rolling until I’m facing him. I’m so close, if I puckered my lips just right, I could kiss his chin.

In the dimly lit room, I can see his eyes sparkle like black diamonds. The light from the living room spills softly through the door and illuminates half his face, leaving the other half in deep shadow.

I can hear his breathing. I can feel the heat pouring from his body. I know he’s as excited as I am, that he wants this just as much as I do, and yet he’s willing to hold off. Just for me.

But what if I don’t want him to? What if, despite the never ending doubts and misgivings and horrors of the day, I want him? Is that enough? For now? Would that be so bad?

It is in a way. In another way, it’s not. But the fact of the matter is, right now I need Cash. I need him to hold me, to kiss me, to touch me. I need him inside me, filling me up with his presence and his security. Tomorrow will bring new worries. I can think more then.

Just as slowly, Cash runs his fingers up over my collarbone and pushes the material off my other shoulder. It hangs on the tip of my breast and I see his eyes drop to my chest. I suck in a breath and hold it. His gaze burns like a physical touch.

Deliberately, he raises his hand to the center of my chest and runs the backs of his fingers over my nipple, freeing the robe and exposing my flesh to his hungry eyes. Again, he doesn’t move for several seconds. Again, neither do I. When his eyes flicker up to mine, they’re full of all sorts of things, but most apparent is resolve. He won’t let himself give in. Not tonight. It’s that important to him. Why, I don’t know. Maybe I’m that important to him. I can only hope.

Leaning slightly forward, Cash pushes the robe off me, toward my back, running his hand over my butt and then up to the side of my thigh. When I’m lying in front of him, as naked as he is, he lets his eyes wander over me.

I see them close just before he rolls onto his back and raises his arm to loop over my head. He pulls me onto his chest. I let my hand skate over the hard muscles of his stomach and drape my knee over his thigh.

I can’t hear him breathing. I wonder if he’s holding his breath. I don’t know, but I can hear his heart slamming against his ribs. He’s fighting me, fighting us, fighting this.

I think for a second of teasing him a little, of changing his mind, but respect for what he’s doing rears up and stops me. I don’t want to make more out of his consideration than what it is, but that still leaves me with the question: what does it mean?

Cash’s lips graze my hair just before he croaks, “Go to sleep, baby. You’re safe. I promise.”

On some level, I must believe him. So I sleep.



********



Something shifts at my back. It’s smooth and warm, and it takes me less than a second to realize it’s Cash. He’s behind me. And he’s naked.