Undeniably Asher (The Colloway Brothers Book 2)(20)

When I’m in this home, I feel like an outsider looking in. A welcomed interloper, if that makes any sense. This family is so tight, so full of love and happiness that it makes me ache for all that I don’t have, for all I never had, and for all that’s been taken from me. I try to stay away from these dark cracks in my head. If I let myself wallow there too long I know I’ll accidentally slip into one, unable to get back out of the thin crevice.

As I listened to Barb say grace before our meal, I almost burst into tears. Growing up, I don’t remember very many family meals and we certainly never prayed, unless it was that the electricity would be turned back on or that we wouldn’t lose the house that was days away from foreclosure.

As a gambling addict, my father was an absent parent for the most part, and my mother walked out on us when I was just four and a half years old. I don’t even think I remember what she looks like anymore, my childhood memories long faded.

But I do remember her voice. I remember the way she used to sing softly to me at night when I couldn’t get to sleep. I remember the way she’d stroke my hair as she held me on the couch when we’d watch Disney movies. I remember how safe she made me feel when she’d scour under my bed and in my closet for monsters. I remember feeling that she loved me, so I never understood why she left me. When she abandoned us, Livia took over those duties, even though she was only eight. Livia was more of a mother to me than my own.

Then Livia left me too. She left everyone without any reason, without any forewarning, and without any explanation. Just like our mother did. It was a heart-crushing, devastating blow. To this day I still don’t know why, even though I talked to her several times during her absence. All I know is her story about needing some time away was pure bullshit.

Livia was always a caretaker. What she did was completely out of character for her. It’s a secret between us that has caused a huge rift, one that I’m trying to let go, because after her three-year absence, I’m simply glad to have her back in my life, but some days it’s difficult.

Like today.

I see how happy she and Gray are and obviously he has fully forgiven her, so why can’t I? I see acceptance in the actions and words of the Colloway family, so what’s wrong with me?

In one way or another, everyone I have ever loved has deserted or betrayed me.

My mother.

My father.

My sister.

My lover.

So is it any wonder that with every relationship I have, I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Is it any wonder I don’t let myself fully love another person?

I’ve never let anyone see one hundred percent of Alyse Kingsley. Not one. I’ve had secrets from every single person in my life. Even Livia. I show people what I want, keeping the rest hidden, protected. Never putting myself completely out there. Never really exposing my thin skin, my inner brokenness. I excel at appearing open, while keeping people firmly at arm’s length. It’s just easier that way. It hurts less. I was with Finn for almost a year and it was a fight that we had constantly. He wanted in, I pushed him out. I was never in love with him. I was just lonely.

If I let Asher into my life, I can’t help but wonder if he’ll be next in a long line of people who have been unreliable. Will he dump me on the side of the road like a pile of trash and drive away without a second thought, without a look back?

Why wouldn’t he? Everyone else has.

I’m honestly not even sure I have the ability to let him into my heart.

My body? Yes. I have a feeling that’s inevitable, but my heart? I simply don’t know. Though if I could see anybody there, I think maybe it would be him. I often think back to that day at the boathouse so long ago. I almost gave myself to Asher that day without a second thought and I wonder if our lives would have been different if Conn hadn’t interrupted just in the nick of time.

Taking a sip of my Chardonnay, I think back to last night when I foolishly asked Asher to come in. It’s almost as if I become someone entirely different when he’s staring into my eyes, stealing my thoughts. His intense gaze burns my barriers to ash like they’re made of nothing but tissue paper. It’s like he sees me. The real me. The one I’ve kept hidden away from any other human being. And that’s highly unnerving, because I’ve never felt more vulnerable around another person as I do Asher. Which means he has all the power to hurt me, to destroy me. Irrevocably.

In hindsight, I’m glad he declined my foolish proposal. For so many reasons I never should have asked in the first place, but I can’t find it within myself to truly regret it either. I think I would do it again, given the chance. My feelings are on a goddamn seesaw, bouncing erratically from one side to the other. One minute I want him. The next, I want to forget I ever met him.