Two by Two(61)

"Why is marriage so hard?"

"Who knows? I think it's probably because people get married without  knowing who they really are in the first place. Or how they're crazy."

"Are you crazy?"

"Of course. And I don't mean crazy-crazy. I mean, in the way that  everyone is. One person might be too sensitive to perceived slights, or  another might get really angry when they don't get their way. Another  shuts down or holds grudges for weeks. That's what I'm talking about. We  all do things that are unhealthy in relationships, but I'm not sure  people recognize that unless they're really self-aware. And when you  consider that each partner brings his or her own set of issues, it's a  miracle that any marriages last the duration."

"That's a little pessimistic, don't you think? Your parents have been married forever. Mine have, too."

"But are they happy with each other? Or are they together out of habit?  Or because they're afraid to be alone? In the coffee shop earlier, I was  watching this older couple a few tables over. They may have been  together for fifty years, but I don't think they said a single word to  each other."

I thought about my parents, remembering that Marge and I had wondered the same thing.

"Do you think you'll ever get married again?"

"I don't know," she said. "Sometimes I think I want to, but other times,  I think I'm happy being alone, too. And with Bodhi, it's not as though I  have a lot of energy to devote to finding a new life partner. What I  can say is that I'm a lot clearer on the kind of person that I want if  it ever comes to that. I've decided to be very picky."

I was quiet, suddenly returning to Vivian, bringing with her an almost  physical weight. "I don't know what's going to happen with Vivian. And I  still don't know why she was so unhappy with me."

"Maybe she was just unhappy. And maybe she just thinks she's happier  with someone new, but sustained happiness isn't something someone else  can deliver. It comes from within. That's why there are antidepressants;  that's what people hopefully learn in therapy."

"That's very Zen."

"It took me a while to finally accept that David's philandering wasn't  about me, or whether I was pretty enough, or affectionate enough. It was  about David's need to prove to himself that he was desirable and  powerful-and the way he did that was by sleeping with other women. In  the end, I know I did my best to make our marriage work, and I know  that's all I can ask of myself." She reached across the table and put  her hand on my arm. "The same goes for you, too, Russ."

When she removed her hand, the warmth and comfort of her touch lingered, a physical affirmation of her words.

"Thank you," I managed to say.

"You're welcome. And I mean it. You're a good guy."

"You don't know me that well anymore."

"Actually, I think I do. You're pretty much the same guy you always were."

"And I blew it with you."

"You made a mistake. I know you didn't do it to hurt me. And again, I've forgiven you. You still need to forgive yourself."

"I'm working on it. But you're kind of making it hard, since you're being so nice about it."

"Would you rather I be cruel and vindictive?"         

     



 

"If you were, I'd probably crumble."

"No you wouldn't. You're stronger than you think."

We'd finished our wine and by unspoken agreement, we rose from the  table. A glance at my watch showed that we'd spent nearly three hours  together, which didn't seem possible.

We started toward the exit and made our way to our cars. "Remember what I  said about finding a couple of good friends to lean on. You're probably  going to need them."

"Are you volunteering?'

"I already did, remember? And I hate to tell you this, but if my  experience is any guide, it's probably going to get worse before it gets  better."

"I can't imagine how it can get worse."

"I hope for your sake that it doesn't."

I reached for her door, opening it for her. "Me, too."





"Rewind and start from the beginning," Marge said. "You went for a long walk and then had lunch with Emily? And you drank wine?"

She and Liz had gotten home a few minutes earlier. On the way, they'd  called, asking what I wanted for dinner. They were planning to pick up  Mexican takeout and when I told her that I wasn't hungry, Marge said  she'd pick something for me anyway. In the to-go box was a burrito the  size of a softball, along with rice and refried beans. Margeand Liz had  both ordered taco salads. and we took our seats at the table.

"Yeah," I said. "What's the big deal?"

Marge paused and took a puff from her inhaler before smirking. "Let's just call it an act two twist I never saw coming."

"Really?" Liz asked between bites. "They did have that date at Chick-fil-A, remember?"

"Would you stop with the date talk? We walked. We talked. We had lunch."

"That's what a date is. But fine. My question is whether you think you'll call her again."

"Her son Bodhi is London's best friend. If we have to set up a playdate, I might have to."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know what you meant." I said. "I have no interest in dating anyone. Right now, I can't imagine wanting to date ever again."

What I didn't say was that even though I didn't want to date, I didn't  much like the concept of being alone, either. What I wanted was for  Vivian and me to go back to what we had before. I wanted to rewind and  start over.

Marge seemed to read my mind. "Have you heard from Vivian? About what time you can go home tomorrow?"

"Not yet. I'm going to call London later. I figure she'll tell me then."

Marge pointed to the burrito. "You're not eating."

"I wouldn't be able to finish this if I were stranded on a desert island for a month."

"Why don't you at least try a bite?"

I did as she asked; while it was tasty, I was still full from the  hamburger, and I turned toward Liz. "Did you learn any Mexican recipes  in your class?"

Liz nodded as she poked at her salad. "A few. I could have made you  something, but I was feeling kind of lazy. And I would have had to run  to the store."

"Do you have some easy and healthy recipes? Meals that London would enjoy?"

"Plenty. Do you want me to pick a few favorites?"

"Would you? I want to keep things normal, but I'm not very experienced  in the kitchen. I do want to keep London on a good schedule, though.  Which includes dinner."

"I'll have some recipes for you by tomorrow."

"I appreciate it," I said. "How was the housewarming party?"

"It was a lot of fun," Liz said. "The house is very stylish. Even though  our friends just moved in, they had all their paintings hung. It was  actually pretty impressive."

Automatically, I wondered whether they owned any of Emily's. I wondered,  too, how Emily's night with her sister Jess was going. Under Marge's  scrutiny, I forked another piece of the burrito.

"Today was the first time I didn't think about Vivian every waking minute."

Marge offered a thoughtful expression. "What was that like?"

"Strange," I said. "But I think it was good for me. I don't feel quite as anxious now."

"You're already beginning to heal, Russ," Marge said to me. "You're stronger than you think."

I smiled, remembering that Emily had said exactly the same thing.





After dinner, I dialed Vivian using FaceTime, and she answered on the second ring.

"Hey there," she said, "London and I are cuddled up watching a movie. Can she call you back a little later?"         

     



 

"Hi, Daddy!" I heard London call out. "Nemo and Dory are with the sharks!"

"Yeah, sure," I said. "Did you two have a good time today?"

"We had a lot of fun," Vivian said. "She'll call you back, okay?"

"I love you, Daddy!" London shouted. "Miss you!"

The sound of her voice made my heart ache.

"That's fine," I said. "I'll be around."

I carried my phone with me while I helped Marge and Liz in the kitchen; I  kept it on the table beside me when Marge brought out the Scrabble  board. Liz, I learned, took the game seriously, and she was good. By the  end, she'd outscored both my sister and me combined, but the game was a  lot more fun than I remembered.

It was almost enjoyable enough, in fact, to make me forget the fact that London didn't call back.

Almost, but not quite.





In the morning, I received a text from Vivian. Can you come by at six thirty? Let me know if that works for you.

It struck me as kind of late, especially since she had to drive back,  but I wasn't going to point that out. She was trying to spend as much  time with London as she could, but because I was still annoyed that I  hadn't had a chance to talk to London, I put my phone aside without  responding. I didn't text her back until almost two in the afternoon.