Thoughtful(80)

Without looking, she started to stand when she felt the cushion compress beside her, like she knew it was me and she didn’t want to be anywhere near me. Her reluctance combined with her stubbornness was amusing. Grabbing her arm, I pulled her back down. Things wouldn’t move forward between us if she ignored me.

She looked my way with narrowed eyes, obviously unhappy that I was forcing us to spend time together. She crossed her arms over her chest, further letting me know just how put out she was. Did she realize how cute she was right now? She looked away from my adoring smile. Shaking my head, I wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She immediately stiffened but didn’t pull away. Until I started pulling her toward my lap—then she jerked away like I’d poured ice water down her back.

I startled at her sudden movement and icy glare. I just wanted her to rest on me, like she used to. I wasn’t sure why she was having such a violent reaction until I understood what she thought I’d been implying. I started laughing, even more amused.

Pointing to my lap, I assured her that I meant nothing sordid by the gesture. “Lie down…you look tired.” Not able to help myself, I playfully added, “But if you wanted to, I wouldn’t stop you.”

Frowning, she elbowed me in the ribs. At least she realized I was joking. I grunted at the minor pain, then pulled her back to my lap. “So stubborn,” I muttered as she finally let me lay her down.

She twisted to her back, and I gazed at her and stroked her dark hair. She was so beautiful, and so unaware of it. She was unaware of a lot of things. Like how much she meant to me, how different she was from every other girl I’d ever met, how I’d do absolutely anything for her. Even leave, if she changed her mind and asked me to. I hoped she never asked me to.

“See…that wasn’t so bad, was it?” I asked her. We could have this every day again, if you’d just let me back in…

Kiera studied me while I stared at her with open longing. Did she see how much I wanted this? Was it apparent on my face? Would she understand if she saw it? She was so naïve, so inexperienced. It made me believe that Denny was the only person she’d been with, the only person she’d opened up to. Maybe she really had no idea what she was doing, how much she affected me. Even though I knew I had no right to ask, curiosity compelled me to.

“Can I ask you something, without you getting angry?”

I was sure she’d say no, but surprisingly, she nodded. I couldn’t meet her eye as I asked my horrible, invasive question. I studied my fingers running through her hair instead. “Was Denny the only man you’d been with?”

By her voice, I could tell she was annoyed that I’d asked her that. I didn’t blame her. It was none of my business. “Kellan, I don’t see how that’s—”

I interrupted her with another jackass request. “Just answer the question.” Please. I know I have no right to ask, but I need to know…are Denny and I the only two people you’ve been with? Is that why you can’t let him go?

She seemed confused as she looked me over. I felt a little pathetic, so I was sure I looked it too. “Yes…until you, yes. He was my first…”

I nodded. I knew that. He was her first love, her first time, her first…everything. That’s why she was so deeply bound to him, why sharing her affections with me was so difficult for her, why just the thought of him leaving her sent her into near-hysterics. He was a part of her, down to her core. How could I possibly compete with that kind of history? I couldn’t. And I didn’t need to. I didn’t need to have all of her…just a tiny bit would do. A fraction of her warmth, a fraction of her love. I could be happy with that…

Kiera’s soft voice broke my train of thought. “Why would you want to know that?”

My hand in her hair paused as I stared at her. Keeping my smile plastered in place, I considered telling her the real reason why. I love you, but I know Denny has your heart. Most of it, anyway. I was just curious if there was a chance for you to love me more than him. But there isn’t. And that’s okay. So long as I have this much, it’s okay if he has the rest.

I couldn’t say that, so I said nothing and continued stroking her hair. Like she sometimes did, Kiera seemed to know that I couldn’t answer her, so she didn’t press me. She relaxed against me, and my mind started spinning as we stared at each other. I wanted so much to be the one and only in her eyes, but that wasn’t going to happen. Even if she and Denny did separate, that wouldn’t happen. He was too much a part of her. But she cared about me…we had something, and I would cling to that for as long as I possibly could.