Thoughtful(157)

While Kiera and I gazed at each other with heartbroken eyes, Jenny and Evan left the room. When we were alone, finally, Kiera whispered, “I never wanted to hurt you, Kellan…either of you.”

Kiera collapsed after her words, like they were too much to bear. Sinking to her knees, she sat there with her head down as the guilt, pain, and whatever else she was feeling settled around her. As hard as this was for me, it was equally hard for her; sometimes I forgot that.

I knelt on the ground across from her. Holding her hands in mine, I told her, “It doesn’t matter now, Kiera.” Nothing matters. “Things are how they’re supposed to be. You’re with Denny and I’m…I’m…” I’m alone.

With a shaky exhale, Kiera murmured, “I miss you.”

The words coming from her lips were wonderful, and torturous. A lump caught in my throat. “Kiera…” Don’t go there…We can’t do this again.

She started crying, and whatever resolve I had vanished. I couldn’t let her cry in front of me without trying to comfort her, especially since it was my fault she was upset. All of this was my fault. I never should have crossed that line with her. I should have kept my promise to Denny and stayed away. Far away. We should have stayed friends, only friends.

Pulling her into my arms, I stroked her back. She clutched at me while she sobbed on my shoulder. It tore me in two. She was hurting just as much as I was. She’d scarred me, but I’d scarred her too. “I’m sorry, baby,” I muttered. I wasn’t sure if she heard me, but I felt better saying it.

Sitting back on my heels, I pulled her onto my lap. Closing my eyes, I simply enjoyed being near her. I ran my hand down her hair, wishing we could stay like this forever. We couldn’t though. We didn’t have much time at all, and once we left this room…nothing would change. She was still Denny’s. Now was all we had. All we’d ever have.

I could sense Kiera pulling away, but I wasn’t ready for her to go yet. Holding her close, I whispered, “No, please…stay.”

Kiera froze on my lap and awareness flooded me. She was so close, and it had been so long since I’d held her. Even though sadness had soured my mood, desire was creeping in. Would there ever be a time when I didn’t yearn for her? Probably not. As our breaths filled the still air, I slowly opened my eyes to look at her. Her cheeks were rosy and streaked with recent tears, but her eyes were hooded as she stared at me. The flame between us was mutual; she wanted me as much as I wanted her. I think that only made this harder.

Her eyes darted over my face, taking me in. “I miss you, so much.”

She seemed surprised by her admission, which made it feel genuine. I rested my head against hers. God, I’ve missed you too. I want you…so much. “Kiera, I can’t…” I can’t be hurt again. I won’t survive it. “This is wrong, you’re not mine.”

“I am yours.” Her breath washed against my face, as intoxicating as her words.

My heart seized in my chest and a small whimper escaped me. “Are you…?” I asked, my lungs hardly functioning anymore. When did breathing become so hard?

Looking up, I met her eyes. It was now or never. Make a move, take a risk, or run away. I was tired of running from her. “I want you so much…” I wanted everything. Our friendship. The way she looked through the bullshit and saw the person beneath it. Our walks through the campus. Our flirty banter. The way she smiled at me. The way she cared, when no else did, or had, or ever would again. She was everything to me. My reason for being.

I was expecting her to push me away again, but she didn’t. Tears in her eyes, she whispered, “I want you too.” She’d never admitted that to me like this, with a clear head. It stunned me, overwhelmed me, and made me love her all the more.

I repositioned us so she was lying on the floor, with me on top of her. Hovering my lips over her mouth, I debated if I could do this. Could I put my hand in the fire again, knowing I would get burned? If I took this road with her, would she follow through with me, or would she shove me away again? I had no way of knowing, and it scared the shit out of me.

Maybe seeing my uncertainty, Kiera shook her head and started opening her heart. “I’ve missed you so much. I’ve wanted to touch you for so long. I’ve wanted to hold you for so long. I’ve wanted you for so long. I do need you, Kellan…I always have.”

Her words were heaven to my ears, but I still didn’t know what she wanted. I couldn’t go through that vicious cycle again. I searched her eyes, hoping to see just a spark of what I felt for her reflected back at me. I needed to know that if we did this, if we crossed this line again, she would still be there on the other side of it. That right or wrong, she would stand beside me as an equal participant. No blame. No guilt. “I won’t…I won’t be led on again, Kiera. I would rather end this than be hurt by you again. I can’t…” I can’t handle another rejection.