Thoughtful(141)

She was taking too much of the blame. It wasn’t her fault that I’d lost control. It wasn’t her fault that I’d turned into a raging asshole. “No…I was just mad. I was wrong. You didn’t do anything. You don’t need to apologize for—”

Her voice was low as she spoke over me. “Yes, I do. We both know I did just as much as you. I went just as far as you did.”

No, she didn’t. She had told me over and over that she didn’t want me. I’d just refused to listen. “You clearly told me no…repeatedly. I didn’t listen…repeatedly.” I pulled her hand away from my face with a heart-filled exhale. I didn’t deserve her kindness. “I was horrible. I went too far, much too far.” Disgusted with myself, I ran a hand down my face. “I’m…I’m so sorry.”

Stubborn as always, Kiera continued disagreeing with me. “Kellan…no, I wasn’t being clear. I sent mixed signals.”

Disbelieving her objection, I pointedly raised an eyebrow. “‘No’ is pretty clear, Kiera. ‘Stop’ is pretty damn clear.”

“You’re not a monster, Kellan. You never would have—”

Remembering this conversation from our earlier failed attempt to sleep in the same room together, I beat her to the punch. “I’m no angel either, Kiera…remember? And you have no idea what I’m capable of.” Just look what I did to my best friend. I’m a disappointment. I’m worthless. I’m nothing. You deserve so much more.

Kiera pursed her lips, unconvinced. “We both messed up, Kellan.” Reaching out, she touched my cheek; her fingers on my skin seared me. “But you would never force yourself on me.”

No. I wouldn’t. No matter how much I wanted you, if you didn’t want me…I’d leave you alone. You’re everything to me.

Not able to say that to her, I pulled her in for a hug instead. Kiera wrapped her arms around my neck, and for a brief moment, we felt like how we used to be. It reminded me of how far we’d come, and how much had changed. As nice as it felt to hold her, it wasn’t right, and it wasn’t a good idea. Space was what we needed. Distance was good.

“You were right. We have to end this, Kiera.” It killed me to say it, but I knew now that it was the right thing to do. The only thing to do. I wanted something from her that she couldn’t give me. It was time I respected her choice.

I pulled back to look at her and saw tears on her cheeks. I gently brushed them away. She shouldn’t cry; I wasn’t worth her tears. Cupping her face, I stroked her cheek with my thumb. I’d known from the beginning our friendly flirting wouldn’t work, I’d just wanted her so badly…it had seemed better than letting her go.

Kiera’s watery eyes locked onto mine as she whispered, “I know.” She closed her eyes and more tears squeezed out. It was so hard to see her in pain. It was even harder to know I was the source of it. I was tormenting her, she said so herself. And she was tormenting me. We were toxic, and we were slowly killing each other.

It was wrong of me, but I couldn’t walk away from her without one last kiss. I needed to feel her sweetness one last time, needed to securely lock it into my memory so I could retrieve it during the dark times, when I was cold and alone. Expecting her to push me away, I softly brushed my lips to hers. She didn’t shy from me though; she pulled me tighter. Her lips were eager, but I kept the rhythm soft and tender, and her lips eased to match mine. I poured every ounce of love I felt into our intimate moment. Without having to say it, I wanted her to know—I love you, more than anything.

I could have kissed her all morning, but I knew it was time to stop. Removing my fingers from her cheek, I ran them down her hair, and then down her back. “You were right. You made your choice. I still want you,” I growled, pulling her into me. “But not while you’re his. Not like this, not like last night.” With a wistful sigh, I loosened my hold on her.

Her eyes were brimming with new tears, and I could feel mine stinging in response. Saying goodbye was so hard. “This is over,” I said, running my finger across her partly opened lips. Her tears splashed onto her cheeks, and I let out a heavy exhale. I wish I didn’t have to do this…

“I don’t seem to be very good at leaving you alone.” I dropped my hand from her skin and kept it rigid at my side. Determination filled me as I swallowed a lump of pain in my throat. “I won’t let last night happen again. I won’t touch you again. This time…I promise.”

Needing to leave, I turned and walked away from her. My dream suddenly struck me and I paused in the doorway. You’re not good enough for her…