Thin Love(192)

He releases her, and Keira can only manage to look at him, wondering what he’ll say, hoping it’s not goodbye.

“I think about all the fucked up things I’ve done in my life. I’ve disappointed so many people. I’ve made choices because I was selfish. Because I was greedy.” Kona rubs the back of his neck as though those sins are too heavy to think about. As though the memory of them lay thick and full in his mind. “But even in those times when I thought I die from my stupid choices… when I thought whatever I was doing was just something I added to the long list of fuck ups, I saw your face. It was your face that got me through all that. It was your smile,” Kona’s fingertips are soft, tickle against Keira’s cheek, “the spark in your eyes, the way your fingers raked over my scalp, the way your body felt so real, so perfect in my hands, that kept me centered.

“But you cursed me, Wildcat. You did me so wrong. You told me I would regret letting you walk away and I did. Every day since you said that to me. I didn’t forget. Not when I was drunk on money and bitches and all the bullshit they threw at me to keep me happy.” The stinging returns to her eyes and Keira knows it’s not from the loss she feels. “I couldn’t forget you.” He touches her face again, thumb back on her cheek, smoothing away the moisture there. “Your face, your name, your smile, it was here,” he touches his chest, just over her tattoo. “It’s lived here for so long and I tried to kill it. I tried to run from that curse. I tried to forget that there was a girl with big blue eyes and a laugh like a fucking song that had gotten under my skin. I tried to forget that I loved her. I tried to deny that I hadn’t ever stopped. But I can’t. I don’t want to.”

That wild, manic girl sings to her, tells her that she can have it all, take back everything that once made her feel real and loved and brave. She doesn’t fight Kona, doesn’t jerk away from him when he kisses her head, wipes her face dry.

“You said we were so bad for each other and maybe you’re right. Maybe time is what we needed. To be apart from each other, to learn ourselves before we could have each other for good. But I’m done waiting.” His chest is inches from her mouth and Keira inhales, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from kissing against the peek of skin visible from the opened button of his shirt. “I’m done trying to kill something that was never meant to die. I’m done trying to wipe you out of my heart. It’s no good.”

Kona has touched her so many ways. There has been anger, passion, the grip and pull of his hands on her body, of his knuckles inside her and Keira loved them all; even the threat of danger, of violence. She expects that to return. She doesn’t expect him to be calm. But as Kona reaches for her, moves her chin up so she is forced to look at him, she sees that determined expression that tells her he wants her attention, wants her to look only at him, want only him. His fingers are sure, certain, but they are gentle: a plea rather than the demand. This time, when he takes her face, he’s asking permission, not taking it.

“I want you today and tomorrow and every day after that. I want to roll over in bed every night and know that you’re there, right where you’re supposed to be. I want babies,” he closes his eyes as though the idea is sweet, precious, “a thousand damn babies with you and I want to watch you get fat and miserable with me inside you, Keira. I want first steps and first words and for someone to call me Daddy.

“I want all those years to disappear in every second I spend with you for the rest of my life and I won’t let you tell me that it’s not enough. I won’t let you believe that we are still bad for each other.” His voice rises, touch becomes firmer. “I don’t care if we are because you make the bad fade away. You always have. You always will.”

“You think it’s really that simple?”

“Damn right I do. It’s very simple. I love you. You love me, let’s stop fucking around and get on with our lives. Everything that happened, all the lies, all the disappointments, all the years we wasted… we’ve got to let that shit go. Time to move ahead. Together. Me and you, Wildcat. Just me and you.”

Kona’s words are like a spell, weaving hope, eagerness into her. She lets him kiss her forehead, pepper them over her face. Until her tears are full, brimming over her lashes and onto her face.

“The other night… you asked me.” She looks up at him, then back down at her hands. Tears flowing. “You asked me how long it’s been.”

“I did.”