Thin Love(191)

“I said sometimes I think that. Not always.”

That curious expression on his face is deep, confused and Keira hears her old self whispering, voice growing as Kona frowns, his low working growl falls over her and Keira lets go, steps back to let that girl she’d been running from surface.

“I just need to know. What do you want from me?” For a moment, he is shocked, as though the question is ridiculous, but Keira’s posture is easy, her breath comes out smooth, calm and Kona’s small frown leaves his face.

“Everything. I want it all.” He has never looked at her the way he is now. Eyes so impassive, so steady, but beneath them there is heat, fire, and Keira swears she can feel it licking against her skin, kissing her with that sweet burn.

“Even if there’s not much left to give? Even if my heart is too damaged?”

Touch gentle, voice softer, Kona rubs his thumbs along her cheeks and Keira is stunned by the bright sheen in his eyes. “Even then. Besides, it’s not too broken, baby. If it was, you’d be asleep in your bed, not bothered by everything that’s happened today. If there was nothing left, you wouldn’t have crumpled when our son went on a violent rampage. You wouldn’t have bothered to come see me in my hotel room.” Kona’s breath is sticky sweet, warm against her face. “You wouldn’t have touched me, loved me like you did.” She holds her breath, heart strumming quick when Kona places his palm against it. “This thing is bigger, healthier than you realize, baby. I want to help you fix it. I want to spend the rest of my life fixing what I broke.”

Keira takes a breath, says a small prayer for strength and looks back into Kona’s eyes. “Then I have to say something to you.” She sits up, moving his touch from her face. “I’ll say this once and then I won’t ever mention it again.”

They were both to blame, in all of this. The running, the fighting, the distance, they both held equal pieces in that fault. Kona nods at her, folding his arms across his chest, stance defensive as he waits for her to say her peace.

“I deserved to be loved. I deserved for you to never stop loving me because I gave my heart to you. I put it in your hands. I trusted you with it. And Kona, you broke me. You broke me like I was nothing.” The slow blink he takes tells Keira that his guilt hasn’t left him. She wonders if it ever will. “You took everything that was precious to me, everything that I held so close to me and you let everyone tell you it didn’t matter. You listened to everyone else and ripped my heart into shreds. You filled me up, made me feel what I didn’t think was possible and the moment I was the happiest, the very second I thought it would last, you ripped what I’d given you like it was nothing, as if my heart, my love for you was just thin paper that could be crumbled between your fingers.” The light glints in Kona’s eyes, and the quivering of his chin belies his ability to contain his emotion, but Keira continues, needing to finish; needing him to know just how badly her heart had been shredded. “You broke me, Kona and if it hadn’t been for Ransom, for the small part of you that was left behind, I would have stayed broken.

Fingers in his hair, Kona looks around the room, searching for excuses, maybe grasping at reasons that would make sense to her. “I was a boy, Keira.”

“You were my world.”

“You said you forgave me. I don’t have the words and they wouldn’t mean anything to you. I could say I’m sorry, I’m so sorry a million times and they’ll still be words. What can I do?” He pushes back the chair until he is in front of Keira again, eyes pleading, desperate. “What can I do now for you to forgive me?”

“You don’t understand. This is what I’m telling you… I did forgive, Kona. I forgave you the second they put Ransom in my arms because your absolution was that perfect, precious soul. But I never forgot. I couldn’t. I had to learn my lesson. I had to remember what the ache felt like.” Keira grips onto Kona’s arm, wanting him to understand. “I had to remind myself that when you love someone so completely, when they consume everything you are and then they leave? Well, it hurts too much. Who I was then is not who I am now. And if you want to love me, to really love me, you need to understand that. That girl is gone, bebe. She died a long time ago.”

She lets him pace, work out the truth for himself as Keira slides back to her chair, pulling Kona’s half full glass of scotch in front of her. When he stops, returns to his knees in front of her, Keira takes a sip, eyes unfocused at the dark liquid in her glass.

“Look at me.” Keira looks up, lets him take the glass from her. “I came for you. I came to fight for you. I told you I wouldn’t let you stay gone and I won’t.” Keira lets a small sigh move past her teeth when Kona brushes her cheek with his fingertips. “I need you to know something. I need you to really know something that I’ve been trying to say to you for months. I need you to see that what I'm saying is real.” She lets him move her head, holding it steady. “It’s been inside me for a long time, Keira. It’s been asleep, but it hasn’t ever died.”