The Space Between Us(54)

"Charlie," I heard the pity in her voice and it made me cringe the way  she said my name, saturated with sorrow. "I feel so terrible for  everything you've been through." I could tell she stopped what she was  doing and turned towards me. I stopped chopping vegetables, but didn't  turn to look at her in return. I didn't want to see the pity in her  eyes. It would only make it hurt more. "I understand why you kept your  distance after you and Asher broke up, but I just want you to know that  you can still, always, come to me for anything. Adam and I have always  thought of you as a daughter. Even though Asher never shared the details  involved in your break-up, I understand you wanted your space."

I heard her voice tremble and my heart clenched in my chest at her  distress. I turned to see her frowning, obviously trying very hard not  to cry and not doing a very good job. I walked over to her and felt her  embrace me. It had been so long since I'd had a mom hug. I relaxed into  her chest and felt her running her hand over my hair, trying to soothe  me, her maternal instinct kicking in I suppose. After I felt like I had  soaked up all of her motherliness, I stepped back and gave her a weak  smile.

"I never meant to hurt your feelings by staying away, Roberta. I just couldn't be around Asher. I hope you understand that."

"Oh, I do, Sweetie. I do. Adam and I both understand it was a rough  situation." She paused and I could see her debating with herself over  something in her mind. "Do you mind if I ask what happened? Asher would  never tell us."

I was at a loss for words for a moment. I didn't really know how to  respond. I hadn't told anyone besides my own father about the  miscarriage and had only just told Asher about losing twins. I wasn't  prepared to tell this woman who I loved for a good majority of my life  that I couldn't hold on to her grandbabies. I don't think those were  words I would ever want to say to her. However, a small part of me  believed she deserved to know.

"Roberta, if it's all the same to you, I think I will let Asher tell  you. I'll make sure he knows I'm ok with it." Her eyes went from curious  to gentle understanding and I knew she would let me off the hook. I  hoped she could tell that I wouldn't be able to make it through the  story without a breakdown.

"Of course, Sweetie. I'm just so glad you're here tonight." She squeezed  my arm like she didn't want to let go, didn't want me to slip away. I  wanted to exist here just as much as she wanted me to.                       
       
           



       

Dinner was pleasant and comfortable. I felt at ease with Asher's family  and with Reeve's as well. I loved watching Reeve parent. It wasn't  something I had ever really witnessed. Growing up together she'd been so  impulsive and irrational, and to see her have what seemed to be an  untapped reservoir of patience boggled my mind. Her husband was a  winner, taking on his share of the parental duties that came with dining  with two small children. They worked as a team and seemed to anticipate  what the other needed. Together they seemed unstoppable.

I found myself sneaking glances at Asher, wondering what he was thinking  when he saw the children being difficult or adorable. Did he wish he  had his own? Was he glad he was still childless? His eyes met mine and  my mind was put at ease when I saw regret staring back at me. I looked  back to his mother and smiled, pretending that I had been paying  attention to the conversation.

When dinner was over, I helped Roberta clear the table and I felt a warm hand grip my elbow.

"Charlie," his smooth and familiar voice was so close to my ear. I could  feel the heat from his chest radiating off him. "Will you come outside  with me for a little while? I haven't gotten a chance to talk to you  alone yet. I'd like to."

I turned to look up at him and nodded, words not cooperating with me at  that moment. His hand never left my elbow as he led me towards the  sliding glass door and out onto the back porch. When his hand finally  released me, I felt the sharp sting of cold where he'd touched me and  rubbed my hand over it. His touch still caused my heart to speed up,  still caused my words to abandon me, still made the swallow-sized  butterflies twirl around in my stomach. The fact that he still affected  me wasn't lost on me, but I tried to ignore it, push past it. I didn't  want to think about him, and his hands, or his touch.

He motioned for me to take a seat in one of the patio chairs. After I  was seated and comfortable he took the chair right next to me.

"It meant a lot to my mom that you came tonight." He stated.

"It was really good to see her." I paused, wondering the best way to broach the sensitive subject. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything." The sincerity in his voice made my heart ache a little.

"Why didn't you tell your mom what happened? About the pregnancy? The  miscarriage?" I turned to look at him, even though common sense told me I  should refrain from it.

He thought about my question for a moment and then took a deep breath  before he answered. "Honestly, I was ashamed of the way I treated you.  Even before you left, even before you lost the babies, I felt terrible  about what had happened."

Then why did you sleep with that girl? That was all I could think. The  deep emotion I could feel in his voice, his true remorse and regret, it  didn't fit with what I saw with my own eyes. He couldn't have felt badly  about everything that had happened and then jumped into bed with  someone else. It just didn't make sense. But I wasn't about to bring it  up. I didn't need an explanation from him. It didn't matter. I tried to  redirect my thoughts.

"Don't you think she deserves to know? They would have been her grandchildren. She has a right to mourn them too."

"I hadn't thought about it that way." His voice went quiet with  contemplation. "At first I didn't want to have to explain how poorly I'd  treated you. Then, after a while, it seemed like telling her would  cause her unnecessary pain."

"She asked me what had happened between us when I was helping with  dinner. I told her she should hear it from you." I stared at him for a  moment, trying to really grasp the forgiveness I had given him, the  forgiveness I had allowed and welcomed. I looked away from him, hoping  my voice didn't waiver. "You don't have to tell her what happened  between us. Not the details. But she should know about the babies."

"You're right. Of course you're right."

I looked over at him and tried to give him a reassuring smile. It  probably came across as something more like confusion. I was confused.

"So what will you do now?" Asher asked.

"You mean right now?" I asked, confused.

He laughed a little, his always familiar chuckle sounded older and deeper. "No, I mean, what's next for you, like, in life?"

I shrugged, not sure how to answer. I wasn't even sure I knew the answer.

"No shrugging, Bit. Words." My breath came to a stop in my lungs like a  freight train colliding with a tanker. My heart exploded in my chest, or  might as well have with the pain I felt shooting through all of my  limbs. I hadn't heard him call me that in thirteen years. He caressed my  nickname with his voice and the sharp pains of longing took my breath  away. "Shit, I'm sorry, Charlie. I didn't mean to call you that. I'm  sorry."                       
       
           



       

I swallowed the pain along with all the memories coming back to me. I  pushed them down, pushed them back. I wanted to seem unaffected. I  wanted nothing more than to be unaffected. I was a good pretender.

"It's ok, Asher. No big deal." I took a breath, plowing onwards. "I  think I'm gonna stick around for a few more days and get my father's  house all sorted out and then head back to New York."

"You have a life waiting for you back in New York?" He didn't look me in  the eye as he asked the question, but I gathered he was asking a deeper  question than he led on.

"You could say that." I didn't want him to think I was some loser woman  who hid behind her art and made a man believe she loved him just to keep  the perpetual loneliness at bay. Even though that's exactly what I was.  He was silent in response. Perhaps my cold answer had pushed him even  farther away. "I think I should head home Asher. Please make sure you  tell your parents what they deserve to know. Thank you for inviting me  to dinner. I had a lovely time." I stood up and all but ran into the  house. I hastily said goodbye to his parents and to Reeve and her  husband, making false promises to call and meet up before I left.

I had no intention of seeing these people again.