The Sex Surrogate(34)

“What's that?” I asked, sitting back, my heart settling into a more normal rhythm.

“Fake it.”

It was so unexpected, I laughed. Loud. Loud enough for the people on line at the hot pretzel stand to look over.

“I know that is probably not good advice for a therapist to give- to lie to your other therapist, but this is an unusual situation and sometimes unorthodox approaches must be tried.”

“I've... tried. I mean, sort of. I kinda just attempted to shut everything down. Just be receptive to like... the actual... sex.”

“And he saw right through that.”

“Yeah.”

“It's because it's not you. Yes, you can be very shy and reserved, but there is always a warmth about you. So if you were shutting down, and all he felt was the cool, of course he was going to tell the difference.”

“So I just need to fake it better.”

“Pretty much.”

Okay.

Alright.

I could try that.

“Ava,” Dr. Bowler said, her voice serious again. “I want to see you the day after your last session with Dr. Hudson. No excuses. I think this experience has had a lot more effect on you than either of us had anticipated. I want us to sit down and hash things out so you don't fall back into old patterns out of habit.”

“I think that's a good idea,” I agreed, thankful I had her in my life. I could use all the support system I could get. “I will let you know when that is.”

“How's the anxiety?” she asked.

“Better.”

“Okay. Ava, I know this process has been extremely difficult for you. If you are having issues, before or after sessions... no matter the time, you can call my service. I will tell them that calls from you should be considered emergent and sent through.”

“Thank you so much.”

“Anytime, Ava.”





Okay. Game face on.

I got up off the bench and made my way back to the apartment. I only had maybe forty-five minutes left until I needed to be at Chase's office. I needed to shower and slip into another easy access dress. Then I needed to be me, but not me.

Which was going to take a lot more work than it sounded like.

“Well, finally,” Jake said, his mouth full. “Just leaving us here to fucking starve. Luckily, Chase here cared enough about our...”

I stopped listening after “Chase”.

My head snapped up to find him leaning against the kitchen counter next to Shay and Jake who were eating out of take-away containers from the Italian place. Chase had gotten the food I ordered and brought it over.

“Are you okay?”

Of course he had to be worried about me.

That was totally helping the confused feelings inside and I couldn't just... shut them down anymore.

“Better,” I agreed, putting my purse down.

“Yo where did ya go?” Shay asked, gesturing with her garlic bread.

“I had a phone session with Dr. Bowler,” I said, feeling tense.

I didn't like him in my space. Talking to my people.

Well, actually. I did like him in my space. I did like him talking to my people. That was the problem.

“Ava...” Chase said, his voice almost sad. “Why didn't you talk to me?”

I shook my head. “I don't know. I just... panicked. I needed to get out of that place. Once I got somewhere, I picked up my phone and...”

“You could have called me,” Chase said, crossing the room toward me.

“I just... wasn't thinking,” I said, looking up at him from under my lashes, letting the vulnerability show. But not from the aftermath of the anxiety, from loving someone who didn't love me back.

His face fell a little, his eyes sad. “It's okay,” he murmured, reaching for my cheek, stroking over it gently. “As long as you're alright.”

I wasn't sure I would ever be alright again.

“I am. That was just a bad one.”

“Okay,” he nodded, moving his hand to my shoulder. I glanced past him, seeing Shay and Jake watching us intently. As if sensing what I was seeing, he dropped his hand. “I'll see you in forty minutes, okay? Or I can wait here if you're still not feeling well.”

“I'm okay,” I said, forcing myself to look in his eyes. “I'm just going to shower and change and I'll be over.”

“Okay, baby,” he said, his voice dropping so only I could here. “I'll be waiting for you.”

He walked out and I closed the door behind him, turning and leaning against it like my legs wouldn't hold me anymore.

“Come eat something,” Shay suggested.

“No,” I said, shaking my head. I didn't think anything would stay down if I tried. “I'm just gonna go shower and get dressed. Can I borrow another of your dresses tonight?” I asked.

“Girl, I'll lay some on your bed while you're getting your scrub on.”

“You're the best,” I said absentmindedly as I walked to the bathroom.

I primped as much as my time would allow. I did my hair. I put on makeup. I made it look like I wanted to look nice for him. Which, a part of me still did. A part of me still wanted him to call me beautiful and perfect, to look at me with wonder. So I let that part of me take the lead when it came to getting prepared. The other part of me was inwardly calling it “war paint” because fighting my feelings for him was feeling like a never ending battle.

“Aight,” Shay said as I walked in wearing my robe. “I didn't know what color. So I picked out a few. But I'm thinking that the eighth session means red.”

“Red sounds great,” I nodded, going to my dresser to grab underwear.

“Thong or g-string, this material ain't too forgiving of panty lines.”

I nodded, grabbing a black thong and slipping into it under my robe. “Bra?”

“Really?” Shay asked, sounding cynical. “A bra? At this point? Let the nips show, girl.”

I snorted, shaking my head and turned to see what she had planned for me. “Oh,” I breathed out, looking at it.

It was red. Bright red. And the material was cut in the shape of an hourglass, covering the breasts, the center of the belly, and hips and thighs. The sides were covered in a red semi-sheer mesh. The same mesh went up as straps and then covered the whole back right down to the very lower back where it met the red material again.

“Yeah, this is a 'fuck me' dress,” she said, nodding.

That was exactly what Chase was going to say when he saw it: fuck me. In that half-groan, half-growl he did. I felt a thrill just thinking about it. “Alright,” I said, grabbing it, “the 'fuck me' dress it is.”

Shay eventually convinced me to wear her black peacoat over it, buttoning only one button so I could reach for it as soon as I was in the door and surprise him.

“Here, put these on. I think we're the same size,” she said, producing a pair of black patent leather, red bottom heels.

“No,” I said, holding up a hand, knowing how much those shoes cost.

“Why not? You have the 'fuck me' dress. Now you need the 'fuck me' heels.”

“They're too much. What if I snap a heel off or something?”

“Oh, so what? I'll make my brothers all chip in to buy me a new pair for Christmas. Come on, put them on.”

So I did.

And I felt way too tall and unsteady in them. But, at the same time, kinda sexy and powerful. I could use all the confidence boosters I could get.

Jake walked in, eating my take-out Italian, nodding. “Going for the 'bend me over and take me' look tonight, I see.”

I smiled, looking between then. “You know... you two are so alike,” I said, watching their shared look of skepticism. “No. Seriously. You think exactly the same. It's crazy.”

I didn't miss the look they gave each other, like they were trying to size the other one up.

“Alright,” I said, spraying on some of the perfume Jake got me, “wish me luck.”

“Go get it,” Shay said, swatting my ass.

“Give it to him good,” Jake added, pinching my butt as I passed.

“Seriously,” I said, shooting them a look. “Twins.”





Eighth Session





Alright. One button buttoned. Heels on. Bright red matte lipstick that was supposedly kiss proof. I was ready. I took a deep breath, making my way from the garage. Each click of my heels brought on more nerves. It felt like the first session all over again somehow. But I was determined to get through it.

The door opened, and I shut it behind me, locking it.

But Chase wasn't in his usual spot.

I felt a rush of uncertainty, strong enough to make me seriously consider turning and leaving.

Then his office door opened and there he was. In a blue suit and a lighter blue dress shirt. The combination made his eyes positively hypnotic. Two buttons.

“Ava,” he breathed my name.

My hand went to the button, pushing it through the hole, then grabbing both sides of the lapels and dragging the material quickly off of me.

“Fuck me,” he said. Just as I had been anticipating. He shook his head slightly and I let the jacket fall to the ground. I took a step forward, then turned in a slow circle. When I faced him again, his arm was out, inviting me to him.

So I went.

His arms didn't go around me though, they slid down my arms, taking both my hands. “You are... So. Fucking. Beautiful.”

Oh

my.

Okay.

I swallowed hard. “Thank you.”

His hands squeezed mine, pulling them upward, and placing them on his shoulders. One of his slid around my hips, pressing into my lower back and pushing my body against his. The other went to my jaw, tilting my face to his. “There she is,” he said, nodding. “I missed her.”