The Queen's New Year Secret(24)

“Of course I am,” he said. “You have no idea how important this child is to me. As the ruler of the country, it has been instilled in me from birth what my responsibilities are in this role. Producing an heir is at the forefront of those responsibilities at this stage of my life.”

She sat up, anger overtaking some of the weariness. “Is that the only reason it matters to you?”

“Of course not. How can you even ask me that? I have my doubts of what manner of father I’ll be. My own father had an iron fist and he certainly put me on the path to being a good ruler. But in terms of being a father, and not just a drill instructor? I’m not certain he was successful on that score. I want more for our child. I want to be different. And I don’t know how to give it. I’m already worried about it. I’ve already thought about what it would be like to hold this baby. To walk on the beach with him or her, as we did together this week. Do not insult me by asking if the throne is the only reason I care.”

“It’s all you talk about.”

“It’s the easiest thing to talk about.”

Silence settled between them. She wasn’t sure what to say to that. He was right. Talking about the kingdom, the throne, was much easier than discussing feelings. Fears. Much simpler than talking about the feelings that were crowding her chest, making her feel as though she couldn’t breathe. Love. Stupid, terrible love that she didn’t want to feel.

“This has to work,” he said, his tone desperate.

Yes, it did. Because if they didn’t have the baby, what did they have? Nothing more than a cold union  , and no reason to try and hold it together. She felt as though she was going to have a panic attack. She couldn’t breathe.

“Tabitha,” he said, his tone suddenly harsh. “Are you okay? You look like you’re going to pass out.”

“I need to lie down.”

“Yes.”

She rested her head on her pillow, pulling the covers up to her chin. “Today was terrible.”

“Tomorrow will be better,” he said, his tone firm and distant.

“Stay with me?” She knew that she shouldn’t ask. She knew that it betrayed too much. But she just wasn’t in a place to protect her pride at the moment.

There was nothing but silence in place of where his answer should be. She waited. And he said nothing.

“Please,” she said.

“I had better not. You need to get some rest. You do not need me taking up any of your mattress. I’ll be in my room if you need me. Keep your phone by your bed, call me if necessary.”

She gritted her teeth, pain, anger lashing at her. “And will you deign to answer these texts? We both know you ignore me very often.”

“I promise I won’t,” he said, his tone like iron.

She said nothing else to him. Instead, she waited for him to leave. She closed her eyes, turning away from him, listening to his footsteps, to the sound of the door closing. Her head was swirling with too many possibilities. Too many thoughts. It was a good thing the media didn’t know about the baby yet. There was no way she could handle any of this publicly, when she had no idea how to deal with it privately.

And why are you thinking about the media at a time like this?

Because that was easier than thinking about her husband.

He was already distancing himself. Truth be told, he had been even before the medical scare.

It was then she realized that for all the talking she had done about her past, he still hadn’t done any talking about his own. Yes, on paper, she knew exactly what had happened during Kairos’s childhood. She knew his mother had left when he was only twelve. But she didn’t know how he felt about it. Didn’t know how it had impacted him at the time. Or how it impacted him now. She had told him everything—about the way her stepfather had died. About why she had worked so hard to change her life.

And all the time he had listened, but he had never given her anything in return. He had quieted any thoughts and concerns with kisses, and she had let him.

Suddenly, she sat up, rolling out of bed and walking toward her bedroom door before she could fully process what she was doing. She was tired. She was distraught. She needed to speak to Kairos.

She padded down the hall to his bedroom, which was situated right next to hers. She didn’t bother to knock, rather she just opened the door. He was standing by his bed, his back facing her, his bare skin filling her vision. No, she couldn’t afford to get distracted by such a thing. Anyway, right now, she was too physically tender to allow sex to cloud what was happening between them.

He turned sharply, his brows locked together. “Are you okay? You don’t need to come to get me. I’ll come to you. You should be lying down.”

“Nothing new happened. But I was thinking. We...we need to talk, Kairos.”

“Do we? I think we both need to rest.”

“Of course you do. Because you don’t want to talk to me. You’re more than happy to allow me to talk to you. In fact, you encourage it. You don’t give me anything in return.”

“Do I not give you anything? You could have fooled me. I thought I gave you quite a bit on the couch last night.”

“Sex is not intimacy,” she said, her voice vibrating with emotion. “It certainly can be. It has been for me. But I don’t think it is for you. I think you use it to distract me. To distract yourself. I have given you so much of myself this past week. I told you about my past. I told you why I left you. What I wanted. For us, for our future. I feel like you’ve given me none of that in return.”

“What is it you want from me, Tabitha?”

“Honesty. It’s time for you to talk to me. I made the choice to trust you, Kairos, and I need you to trust me too. I need to know that we’re going to have more than this distance between us.”

“I can’t promise that.”

“Why not? You’re going to have to do what I did. You’re going to have to make a decision. You should be able to promise too.”

“Well, I’m not going to do that. I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“It is not possible for me. Tabitha, I have to be strong. I have to be the king. I cannot afford to look back and examine my past. And I will not. I cannot afford to be vulnerable. Not to you, not to anything. We will have our child, and everything will make sense. I have to confess to you now that we may never have the marriage that you want. But it is still no less than I ever promised you. I have to serve Petras first. It requires me to maintain a certain amount of distance.”

“Kairos,” she said, her throat closing uptight, sorrow filling her chest.

“You will not be unhappy. I think we understand each other better now. I understand you. And this... This is my honesty. It is all I can give. I am sorry if it hurts you. I truly am. But there is nothing to be done.”

She nodded, swallowing hard as she turned away from him. She had tried. She had failed. She didn’t know if there was anything else she could do.

“Good night,” she said, walking out of the room and heading back toward hers. She closed the door firmly behind her, feeling that there was something definitive about it. About this separation. It felt very final.

No matter what, he was never going to drop his guard. He had said it now, admitted to it. He thought everything would be fine because they would have their child, and it would give her purpose. The connection she craved. But if they didn’t, then she would be left with nothing. And even if they did, there was not enough between her and Kairos to want to stay in the union  . She loved him. She needed him to love her too, and nothing less.

That, she realized, was the happiness she had been searching for.

She had moved through life looking for status, looking for money, for security. But she had forged no connections. Until her marriage to Kairos. And even then, in a palace, with beautiful clothes, she had been unhappy. There was more to life than that. There was love. That was what she truly craved. No money could buy it, no title could bestow it. And she could not force Kairos to feel it for her.

She lay down on the bed, the cool sheets doing little to ease the hot thrum of anxiety rioting through her veins. She was going to have to make a decision about where to go from here. But not tonight.

Tonight she was just going to sleep. She was going to cling tightly to better thoughts of the future. She wrapped her arms around her midsection and closed her eyes tight. She was going to cling to her baby too. Pray that she made it through the night without more bleeding. Pray that she made it through with this at least.

For the first time it was easy for her to wish that she could just stay in the present. Here in the palace, married to Kairos, such as that marriage was. Pregnant with his baby. With her baby. But no matter how much she knew these things for certain, who knew what would happen tomorrow? Who knew where she would be? She didn’t have a clue.

Tears started to fall from her eyes, and she didn’t bother to wipe them away. Didn’t bother to keep control, or pretend it didn’t hurt.

This was all because of love. And even now, she couldn’t regret it. She had been afraid of this. Of hurt, of heartbreak. And still, even having the worst fear confirmed, even knowing that opening herself up would only cause her pain, she regretted nothing.