The One Addicted(5)

One thing I know for definite; if I were ever fortunate enough to be in a relationship with Lu, I would never put her in a position like this again. I’d never risk her life for my own needs. One baby would have to be enough for us. No more kids.


Present Day



God. Would the hollow, emptiness that ransacked the inside of my body and ravished my mind, never end? I am in sheer physical and mental ruin – pain even, and a shell of my former self. Nearly a week has passed since Sebastian’s housewarming and the arrival of his trolly-dolly girlfriend from Dubai - since I’d walked away from his lying face and cheating eyes. Nearly a week has passed since I had left the love of my life - my best friend. I quite simply ache for him. His voice. His smell. His touch. Our banter.

To have him inside of me.

For fuck’s sake, Lu – he’s like all the rest of them – a damned phony!

I can’t seem to help myself– as each day passes, I want him more, not less. The memory can be such a cruel tool, especially when filled with flickers of images of the two of us that are nothing short of hot sizzling porn. I can’t bear the loss anymore.

James Blunt’s ‘Goodbye my lover, Goodbye my friend’, plays incessantly on my ipod as I wallow, a martyr to the cause – ‘you have been the one, you have been the one for me’ over and over again, almost revelling in my pain; bloody drama Queen. Thank goodness Finn was at Crèche in the daytime, so I could breakdown freely, without hiding my tears. By night, I’m Mum again, happy to gain strength from my loving little man and pretend that all is well. Anyone with a trained eye can see that my act is a total façade but it has appeased a 3year old - for now. I couldn’t carry on like this though– it wasn’t healthy for anyone involved and it was seriously time to pull myself together and get back to work - get angry and fuelled and focused on a future without him in it.

How the fuck am I going to do that?

He’s been an integral part of my life for years. Finn adores him.

Crap!

I hadn’t heard from him, but then again, I had ignored each and every one of his calls that Sunday morning, after I’d left his love-nest. I’d ignored the texts and messages late into Sunday night - instead, choosing to turn my phone off and bury my head in disgust at my weakness. I’d just presumed he’d given up chasing after that night. What could he say that would make this any better anyway? I wasn’t prepared to listen to his pack of lies and couldn’t trust myself not to cave at the sound of his voice.

Mr. Blunts' words are raw and full of emotion - they reverberate through my ears, spelling out exactly how I feel - ‘I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow, I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.’

I’m empty.

I’ve lost my best mate and the chance at something real.

I should never have propositioned him in the first place and offered myself on a platter. I knew all along that I was setting myself up for heartbreak. I wasn’t a one-night stand, let alone one-month-proposition kind of girl and with Sebastian, one anything would never be enough; that had already been proven. The man was a master in the bedroom - seriously gifted. No other man would compare after him. No one.

Abby & Suzie had been rocks, rallying round, taking it in turn to ensure that I eat… something - anything! Tomato soup or martyr soup is pretty much the only thing I can stomach apart from chocolate - amazing how that always goes down ok though isn’t it? Yep chocolate and I are like long lost friends - better not fuck this friendship up then.

I know that if I hadn’t had the responsibility of Finn, each night, I’d have hit the serious hard stuff - vodka, gin - alcohol in an abundant overflowing cup that would numb my thoughts and help me forget for a while.

Abby has given up asking if Nathan can pop round to chat to me. “He wants to apologise about you-know-who. He knew of her in Dubai, hunny, but promises that there is more to this story. Please, Lu - let him talk.” She’d winced slightly over the word who. She’d meant Ray of course, or rather Rachel, Sebastian’s dirty little secret. I don’t want to hear it from Nathan; it shouldn’t be him that explains - fuck I don’t want anyone to explain - it’s obvious. He lied to me.

“I can’t talk to Na… yet, Abs – it’s just too soon.” I reply pathetically, before curling up into the foetal position, under a duvet.

“Ok, babe. I’m worried about you though. You’re not eating or sleeping much and you look like shite!”

“Cheers, mate. That’s what best-friends are for - to make you feel better.” I pull the duvet further over my head in a strop.