The Love Sucks Club(75)

“Why are you laughing?”

“I was thinking about why our relationship didn’t work out.”

“Because you weren’t really in it.”

Stunned, I stare at her. “It had nothing to do with your drinking problem?”

“I’m not saying I didn’t have a problem. But you never even tried to help me.”

“How could I help someone who wouldn’t even admit that she had a problem?”

She sets her cup down on the counter. “You didn’t try, Dana. Never. All you did was sink into your writing and your visions and close yourself off from me.”

“That isn’t true.” Indignant, I point my finger at her. I’m pissed now. “All you ever did was drink and spend my money.”

“And all you ever did was nag me about how much money I spent. You counted my drinks and when I got to an arbitrary number, you’d start pursing your lips and acting sanctimonious. You thought you were so much better than me because you don’t drink.”

Angry and somehow guilty, I lash out. “That’s not true. You ruined our life together. You just drank and passed out and drank and pissed off my friends and acted like a bitch and couldn’t even perform sexually because you were always at some level of drunk.”

Pausing, she looks down at her coffee. Taking a deep breath, she lifts her head to make eye contact with me. “How could I make love to you when you were always judging me? You hated me. You hated my drinking. You never tried to talk to me about it in a compassionate way. You just harped and got mad and accused me of being a drunk and criticized my driving and my sexual abilities and the way I did the laundry. If I went to bed early, you implied it was because I was drunk. If I stayed up late, you said it was because I wasn’t done drinking. You hated me. And I loved you. And I still don’t understand why you even bothered to get involved with me when you knew I would never measure up to the one who died.”

Staring at her, I open my mouth and close it again. I can’t make myself speak. Our whole relationship is flashing through my head and suddenly, I can see myself through her eyes and I don’t like what I see. I am an asshole.

“Wow,” I finally manage to mutter.

“Yeah,” she whispers. “Yeah.”

“Well, I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry I didn’t have the strength to stand up and help you wrestle with your demon while I was still trying to wrestle with my own.”

“Honestly, Dana. The only mistake that you really made was agreeing to go out with me. You should never have gone out with me. You should never have gotten involved.”

Shaking my head, I blink quickly to push back the tears that are threatening to fall again. I’ve become such a wimp lately. It seems all I do is cry or actively work to stop myself from crying.

“You’re right.” I nod my head as I speak, like I’ve just figured it out and it all makes sense. “You’re right. I should never have gotten involved with you. Who knows? Maybe you would have gotten clean sooner if you had been with someone who saw your alcoholism as a sickness to be cured and not as an irritation in her life.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“When I saw you in town the other day, I had a vision that you were going to kill me.”

She sighs. Pausing for a second, she takes a sip of her coffee and then looks up at me. Surprisingly, she’s smiling. “I’ve wanted to kill you for a long time.”

“Well, that’s honest.”

“I’m not going to. I would never kill anyone. But I can’t deny that for a long time there, I wouldn’t have been upset if you had died of natural causes.”

We look at each other in silence for a second. She snorts and before I know it, we’re both laughing hysterically. She leans her forehead on her hands and I’m holding onto the counter for support. We laugh so loud and so long that I have tears rolling down my face and she’s beet red.

“So what do you want, Jackie. When all of this is said and done, what are you doing here?”

Standing, she crosses the room and pats me on the shoulder. “I wanted you to tell me you were sorry.”

Nodding, I smile at her again. “Well, I’m sorry. I am sorry, Jackie. I really am.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

“For not helping with the housework enough?”

That sets us both off and we’re laughing again until finally, I swallow my pride and put my arms around her. We cling to each other, still laughing. She gives me a last hug before pulling back.

“I am sorry, Dana. I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you with your demons while I was wrestling with mine.”