The Intern Blues(91)

Well, hours and hours passed; many people came and went (actually, it was nice to get all that sympathy). My student, who generally is a moron, stayed with me the whole day and was very sympathetic. And finally, at the end of the day one of the adult neurology attendings came by. I told him what had happened, he did a quick exam, found everything to be normal, and told me I’d hyperventilated and that I should stop consuming anything with caffeine in it.

Hyperventilation—how about that? He probably was right, too. I was pretty crazed when I was drawing that blood, I was worried about what would happen if I made it to attending rounds late. But can you imagine an intern having to eliminate caffeine from his diet? Caffeine is the only thing that’s been keeping me alive. If I stop drinking coffee, I’ll just lapse into a coma and never wake up.

Anyway, so I left the ER at about six and Carole, who was coming to see me for the night, picked me up and carted me home. Ever since, I’ve been getting total abuse from my “friends.” That was my emergency room event for the year. It was actually really interesting being on the other side of the bed. As a patient, you realize how sensitive you are to what everyone is saying and how they’re saying it. Really, it was a very interesting experience to have had. And I hope I don’t have it too many more times.

I was on call Sunday. It was a pretty good day, only two admissions. Then yesterday, I got home after being on call and I found out my phone wasn’t working. It turns out it was some problem with the phone company’s cable, but I didn’t know that; I thought it was something wrong with my phone. I called them and made an appointment for someone to come to my apartment today at four-thirty. So I was in a rush all day, I knew I had to get out of the hospital early. And, of course, when you’re in a rush, everything goes wrong: I went out to my car this morning and found that the damn thing wouldn’t turn over. The battery was dead, I’m sitting out there fuming, it’s freezing cold, and the damn battery’s dead! I called the AAA and wound up getting to work forty-five minutes late. All because I was in a hurry.

And then attending rounds went on forever! We would have gotten done early because there had been only one admission last night, but then my moronic medical student asked Alan for a lecture on static and cidal levels of antibiotics [cidal: the concentration of antibiotic needed to kill bacteria; static: the concentration needed to prevent the bacteria from reproducing], something I’d heard eight times already. And, of course, I couldn’t get up and leave. No, I had to sit there or face the Wrath of Alan. It took a whole two hours before we were done.

Then I called the telephone company to tell them I was going to be late, and could they come later, and they told me “Oh, didn’t you hear? The problem was on our side, not yours. Your phone works perfectly now!” So I built up all that serious aggravation for nothing!

So, to review the past week, I’ve had one episode of hyperventilation, which earned me a trip to the ER; one episode of phone failure, which nearly earned me a nervous breakdown; and one episode of battery failure, which I’ve taken care of by getting a new battery. And who’s to say what lies ahead over the next couple of days; or months; or years, for that matter, in this exciting borough I hope to get out of sometime soon, or at least before I go completely crazy! I’m telling you, one day I’m just going to get this enormous ulcer and bleed right out on the floor! It’s only a matter of time!

Wednesday, January 22, 1986

Fine. Now I’ve developed an allergy to something. My nose has been running and my eyes have been itching like hell all night long. I may not survive this month. If I were an insurance company, I certainly wouldn’t allow me to take out a policy!

I guess you can say yesterday was just another typical day. I admitted this kid who was dehydrated. They thought he had mononucleosis in the ER, but when his CBC came back, it showed pancytopenia [lack of all types of blood cells] and lymphoblasts [immature white blood cells]. A diagnosis of leukemia was entertained (what an ironic expression). And unfortunately, this morning the diagnosis was confirmed. Of course, the family’s really nice.

Sunday, January 26, 1986

So tomorrow I start my month in the NICU. I’m ready to jump out the window. It won’t be too bad, though. I have clinic tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully I won’t be around long enough to get really nauseated. [Obviously, an afternoon in clinic exempts the intern from the hospital for the time he or she is scheduled to see outpatients in the clinic.]

I guess I’m going to miss Children’s. It really is a good place to work. Alan Morris was an excellent attending. Even though he still scares me to death, I really learned a lot from him this month. When I went up to him on Saturday to thank him for the month, he told me I should have more confidence in myself because he thought I was a good intern. I think I’ve figured out what it is about him that makes me nervous: He reminds me of my father, whom I was always terrified of. I was always afraid he was going to yell at me for not eating my vegetables or something.