The Institute, Daddy Issues(41)
“It is the case,” I said firmly.
“Very good.” She turned to Salt. “Mr. Saltanov, what do you feel you get out of playing like this? I think I heard you saying that you feel like it makes your partner more approachable in some way?”
Salt sighed. “Mishka is…very prickly at times. For which I do not blame her—in her job it is important to appear tough—invulnerable. But sometimes I can see that she is hurting and I want…I wish…”
“Say what you feel, Mr. Saltanov,” Dr. Lucy said softly. “There’s no judgment here.”
Salt blew out a frustrated breath.
“I want to comfort her—to hold her. Why is this so bad?”
“I don’t know.” The doctor looked at me with one eyebrow raised. “Why is it so bad, mishka? Why do you not want your Papa to hold you?”
“Because it makes me weak, all right?” I spat at her. “And I don’t want to be weak. The last time I let myself be that weak—” I stopped abruptly.
“You got hurt,” Dr. Lucy finished for me, softly. “Tell me, miskha, do you feel like you can trust your Papa?”
“I…” I looked at Salt—really looked at him. Here was a man who had come into the PD and taken me on as a partner with no complaints. And this was after the Captain had previously tried to pair me with two other officers—neither of which could stand me. I knew because he’d told me so frankly. At the time I had told myself I didn’t care—if they couldn’t deal with me, fuck ‘em. I worked better on my own anyway. I had a phenomenal success rate on my cases which was probably the only reason the Captain had continued to put up with me.
Then Salt had come into my life and quietly filled in the cracks. He became not just a partner but a protector and a friend. Someone I could trust to watch my back on the streets and also hang out with on days off. Someone who was willing to help me out when I needed something done around the house, too, which was nice. And with the exception of telling the doctor about my past trauma just now, he had never once betrayed my trust or confidence.
“Yes,” I said at last. “I trust him. I trust him to get my back in a tough situation—to save my ass if things go badly.”
“But do you trust him with your heart?” Dr. Lucy was still looking at me intently. “Do you trust him enough to let him love you and not hurt or abandon you?”
“Hey,” I said uneasily. “I thought this place was just about playing perverted sex games. Nobody said anything about hearts and flowers and romance.”
“I’m not talking about hearts and flowers and romance,” Dr. Lucy said quietly. “Trusting someone enough to regress to an age where you were deeply hurt isn’t romantic in the least. It’s frightening and confusing and it may be deeply traumatic. So if you’re here just for casual play, you should probably find someplace else to go.”
“We do not wish to be anywhere but here,” Salt said quickly. “Mishka and I wish to work through our difficulties. This is why we are talking to you.”
“All right. And is that how you feel as well?” She looked at me.
“Of course,” I said, probably a little too quickly. But I felt like I had to agree with Salt—otherwise we were going to get kicked out and the whole case would go down the drain.
“Very well.” She nodded again and looked at Salt. “Let’s talk about you for a while Mr. Saltanov. What drew you to Age Play? What made you want to be a Big?”
He sighed. “I do not know. I guess…my wish to protect those that are helpless?”
“And what gave you this need?” she probed.
He sighed again. “This is…difficult to say.”
“It’s all right,” she murmured. “As I said, there’s no judgment here.”
“Very well.” Salt looked at her. “My father—he liked his vodka. Sometimes he would come home, drunk and angry, looking for someone to hit.” He shrugged. “It was either watch my mother get beaten or take the beating myself. And I loved my mother—very much.”
I sucked in a breath and clenched my fists. Was this true? Was this what Salt had refused to tell me the night before? Somehow I was pretty sure it was.