The Girl Who Would Be King(156)

All the lines that have ever been drawn for all the Bravermans and all the LeFevers are changing. Lola’s desperation to be the only one, to destroy everything, has brought us to this.



And now I am the only one.



We are the only one.



And since there is only one, we will have a new kind of balance. We. I find myself thinking in terms of ‘we’. As Lola and her ancestors take root inside me, making a home for themselves inside their ancient enemy, it feels for a moment like all my Braverman ancestors and all of their LeFever counterparts are standing on opposite sides of my brain ready to wage a war. I grip the sides of my head, praying that my skull can contain them and all of their incessant talking, arguing, and warring. We cannot war with each other anymore, because now we’re the same, the way we maybe always should have been. Though I fear the idea of ‘me’ slipping entirely into the background as I become something new I can feel them slowly calming, coming to peace inside us and accepting this new shared life and body, understanding that we have no choice.

Lola’s head slides from our hands and I know it’s all over because she’s in us and there’s no way to undo that. I also know that it couldn’t have been done if she hadn’t wanted to let go.

I stand up from the car and look at the desert around me. Everything looks different now, but also the same, like two drawings layered on top of one another, each making the other more complete. I consider burying Lola’s body, but instantly know, maybe because she’s inside me now, that she wouldn’t want to be under the dirt. I take Liz’s ear out of my pocket and put it in Lola’s already cool hand.

Part of me is so angry with her for bringing us here, for not being able to accept the natural balance in the world, the way that things are supposed to be, one dark and one light, keeping a forever balance. For putting me in such a terrible position of killing her and destroying that balance. But part of me feels a love for her too. A love for all of the Lolas and what a terrible hand they’ve been dealt. And an understanding of the madness that would drive her to me, that would feel the need, the pounding never-ending ache to either kill or be killed. It’s in me now, and so it’s finally easy to understand.

And maybe this was both our destinies anyway. Maybe after all this time the world has realized that its Bonnies and Lolas were not such a great balance after all and it’s ready to start with something new.

I’m sad for my baby girl, my baby that will be both of us. Like we are now, she will be equal parts Lola and equal parts Bonnie. Equal parts Braverman and LeFever. She will live her whole life with that duality. It will seem normal to her and I’ll never be able to make her understand how easy it had really been for me, once upon a time, to just be good. But in her difference she will also be better than me. More than me. A girl king, destined to be the only one.

I put a hand on where she must be inside of me – barely a seed, a tiny little sea monkey of a thing – and feel so much joy I can’t quite believe it. I think the Lola part of me is a little grateful. Like maybe she would never have been able to understand such pure joy if not inside me. As I walk toward the horizon my only thoughts are of my baby girl and that I’m going to stay with her as long as I can, so that she can learn everything I’ve learned, so that she can have real hope for what she can do in the world. So that she can become what none of us have really been able to become.

A new kind of superhero, a real one.