The Ends of the World (The Conspiracy of Us #3)(78)

I wasn't my father, letting terrible things happen. But I wasn't my mom either. I don't know if I really believed it was fate that brought me back to the Circle, but I felt like I was standing at the edge of the world, holding it in hands that were no longer trembling. I remembered something my mom had said, way back in Lakehaven, Minnesota. I know you're afraid of falling, but sometimes you've got to let go.

"Each of you has to decide for yourself," I said. "But I'm going to stay."

I said it to the group, but I was looking at Stellan. He nodded, like it was what he'd been expecting all along.

"And I'm going to do the vaccine experiment. Tomorrow, I guess." The decision felt right, like I'd come full circle. My existence had caused this. It could be my blood that ended it.

Jack closed his eyes. Stellan watched me stoically.

"If it continues to work on the mice, Nisha said the chances are pretty good it will work on me," I said. "Pretty good is way better than anything else we have. You're right that we could save the Circle with what we have now if they'll take it, but for the rest of the world-even if every single family signs the treaty, Lydia is volatile. We need to either stop the Saxons for good, or we need a scalable vaccine. Since the former looks unlikely . . ."

"She's right," Elodie said quietly. "I don't want to admit it either, but she's right."

No one argued this time.

"No matter what ends up happening," Jack said, looking at his phone, "Paris is shutting down. There are protests going on in the square in front of Notre-Dame that are starting to turn violent, and police are advising that people stay inside. Should we go somewhere that's not here?"

"A hotel?" I said, thinking of the mob I'd seen forming down the block. "What part of town is least likely to be hit by riots?"

Stellan and Elodie tossed out suggestions, but Luc stood. I just now noticed that he'd been doing things on his phone, too, ignoring his glass of wine. "We stay here," he said.

We all raised a collective eyebrow. The Louvre, when the town was descending into chaos?

"I've been watching what's going on all day. We're safe here. No one will question a strong security force around the Louvre during a threat to the city," he said. "And if you all don't want to stay, I have to anyway. This is my city now. I have to prepare for the worst."



       
         
       
        

Luc looked older than he had yesterday, a little of his sweet, carefree nature replaced with something more serious. To my surprise, it fit him.

"I think I should stay with him," Rocco said, breaking the silence. He turned to Stellan and me. "I'd like your permission to do so."

I glanced up at Stellan, and he nodded. "We'll all stay," I said. "It seems like the best thing we could do at this point is stick together."

Slowly, everyone agreed.

We all went in various directions, to change out of their funeral attire, or to get food, to assess the situation outside, or, in the case of Stellan and Luc, to check on their little siblings. I was sitting on a couch flipping between news stations reporting rioting all over the world when Stellan came back into the room. He sat beside me.

"How's Anya?" I said.

"Overwhelmed. Tired. But fine."

"When I said I don't think we should leave," I said, "I didn't mean you. You're a different circumstance."

Stellan had taken off his suit coat, and his tie hung loosely around his neck. He worked it the rest of the way off and tossed it onto the back of the sofa. "Do you want me to leave?"

I watched the footage of protesters in masks, shouting angrily and holding up signs in a language I couldn't understand. People worried that their government wasn't doing more, it appeared from the English headline. The virus had only actually killed a few dozen people at this point. I couldn't imagine what would happen if it got spread more widely. "I want you to do whatever's best for you and Anya," I said.

Stellan rolled something small between his palms and waited so long to answer, I didn't think he was going to. "What do you want for you?"

I wondered, just for a second, whether I should rethink not telling him how I felt.

Obviously I want you to stay here, I'd say. I wanted that even before I realized how I felt about you, and now I can't stop thinking about how there is something between us, and it's been growing fast. I wish there was time for more than a few illicit kisses and a lot of hard decisions. I don't want to do this alone.

I'd decided to fight for the Circle. I wished I could convince myself it would be right to fight for him, too.