The Education of Sebastian & the Education of Caroline(23)

He returned from the bathroom marching with stiff, military precision in his ironed PJs. I had an almost irresistible urge to laugh.

The sheets were thrown back with disdain and he turned sharply, hauling the bedspread onto his side. How marvelously childish.

Smiling to myself, I slid between the sheets and dared myself to feel hopeful.



By morning I knew I couldn’t put off facing Sebastian any longer. I suspected that if I waited at home long enough, he’d appear. I probably had a few minutes to dash to the store to buy milk, vegetables and candy.

I didn’t linger over my purchases, but even so, when I turned into the driveway, there he was, sitting huddled in my porch. At least he was hidden from the road.

My stomach flipped over.

His eyes lit up when he saw me, and he went to stand. I shook my head quickly and luckily he understood.

As soon as I opened the door, he slid inside unobtrusively. I still hadn’t planned what I was going to say to him. I wasn’t even sure it was possible to plan.

We stood looking at each other, the door unyielding against my back.

“Are you okay?” he said at last.

I nodded slowly. “I guess. You?”

“I … I had to see you.”

“Come in,” I said, somewhat reluctantly, pointing to the kitchen. “Can I get you a coffee?”

He shook his head.

This was harder than I’d expected and I’d barely said a word. I sank into a kitchen chair while he continued to stand.

“I tried to see you yesterday. What happened after I went? Was it … okay?”

His voice was low, hesitant.

“David didn’t suspect, if that’s what you mean.”

By contrast my voice was unnecessarily harsh.

Sebastian’s eyes reflected his hurt.

“Don’t look at me like that,” I said coldly.

You can do this. You can let him go.

“Caroline…”

“What?”

He took a deep breath.

“I’ve been thinking about you ever since...” His words came out in a rush. “We can go back east if you like, wherever you want. I can get a job.”

I stared at him, stunned.

“We can be together,” he whispered. “Forever.”

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry; instead I continued to sit and stare.

“Caro?”

Caro? Oh, I liked that … what a lovely dream.

“Caro!” he said, sounding panicked.

But just a dream.

I sat at the table and rested my head in my hands. This wasn’t what I’d expected; it certainly wasn’t how I’d planned the course of the conversation. Where was my resolve to end this?

I heard a chair scrape across the floor and he sat down next to me.

His beautiful face, so earnest, was just inches from mine. I straightened up and looked at him directly.

“Sebastian: I think you’re very sweet but…”

He cringed as if I’d slapped him.

“Give me a chance—I know we can make it work, Caro.”

“No, we can’t. You’re only 17 … I could be arrested. I should be arrested! No, listen to me: the other night was…” I hesitated, unable to find the right word. “But the point is, it was wrong.”

“Not for me.”

I sighed. Again I recalled the sensation of his body against mine, how good it had felt. Good, bad; wrong, right.

“Then we’ll wait until I’m 18,” he said defiantly. “It’s not so long. We can be together and no one can stop us.”

Stupidly tempting.

“I’m married, Sebastian.” You were married two nights ago. Whore!

“You don’t love him, Caro.”

My eyes darted to his. How did he know?

He sensed a small victory and pursued his advantage, grasping my hand.

“I love you. I’ll … I’ll do anything, go anywhere. You can do your writing—we’ll be happy.”

So, so tempting. And his touch: flesh on flesh.

My traitorous mind filled with images of our sweet, gentle, glorious love-making. I’d never been touched like that before—it had been an education, a delicious, dangerous awakening.

He could sense the feebleness of my will. His lovely eyes were unclouded, free of all doubt, confident and reassuring. And when he leaned forward pressing his lips lightly against mine, it was a peaceful moment at the heart of a whirling pool of emotions. It was an electric moment, the eye of the storm.

I tried to understand the feelings that filled me, making me lighter than air. I felt beautiful for the first time in my life, safe and secure.

Loved.

Cherished.

He gathered me to him and I clung to the protective circle of his arms, feeling the warmth of his body, and listened to the steady beating of his heart.

Had David ever told me that he loved me? I couldn’t remember that far back. I knew he was cold and controlling, and I knew that he didn’t love me. Sometimes it felt like I was utterly despised.