The Doctor's Fake Nanny(30)

"What do you want me to say, Kayla?"



At least he didn't sound quite so angry now. But he sounded so tired, so  sad, that it made my heart ache. I wanted to comfort him but I  couldn't. I was the one who had caused him pain in the first place.



"I don't know. That you can forgive me? I know it's so much to ask, too much, but I have to do it anyway."



"I just don't know. Nothing is the same now, can't you see that? I have  no idea how much of what was between us was a lie and how much of it was  real. I don't know if I can get past that. I need some time, and I need  some space. I just … shit, Kayla. I can't look at you right now. I'm  sorry."



He stood up so quickly that he knocked his chair backwards. Even then,  he didn't stop. He couldn't get away from me fast enough. I had never  had that effect on a person before.



I had no clue how awful it would feel. I didn't know what to do with  myself now. Sophie didn't need me. She was still with the nanny, and  besides, she would know immediately that something was wrong. I couldn't  go home, either.                       
       
           



       



What home? I didn't know if I even had a home anymore. It was beyond  surreal to think that only that morning David had asked me to truly move  in with him and now I wasn't sure if he would ever want to see me  again. I felt like I was going to crawl out of my own skin and I  couldn't stand the thought of waiting. Waiting to hear from him again or  waiting until it was late enough for me to go back and get some of my  things, I wasn't sure which. I could only think of one thing to do.



"Girl, you better be glad you called me! We are well past due for an update."



"I know. I'm sorry, Yvonne."



That was all I could get out before I started to sob. The entire day had  been completely overwhelming. No, it was more than that. Things had  been overwhelming ever since I came to stay with David. The lines had  blurred almost immediately and nothing had gone the way I thought it  would. I called Yvonne because I knew she loved me, even if and when I  did awful things.



"Baby, what's wrong? I haven't heard you cry like this since Nikki passed. What happened? Are you hurt?"



"No. And yes. He found out, Yvonne. He knows why I took the job, what I  was doing there in the beginning. He knows everything and I think he  hates me now. He looked so, so angry."



"Do you want to know what I really think?"



I didn't, not really, but I needed to. That was part of why I called.  She was never going to lie to me, not even when I wanted her to. She had  become the voice of reason that I had lost somewhere along the way.



"Well, I'm going to tell you, one way or another. Sugar, you knew from  the start that this was risky business. You were playing with fire and  you were doing it on purpose. You were hurt, that's true, but what you  did wasn't exactly on the up and up."



"No, it was pretty far from it. I can't believe I ever thought that was okay."



"Like I said, you were hurt. And you're hurt now, too, because you love him. You do, don't you?"



"Yes," I said in a choked whisper, feeling like my throat was closing up.



"And does he love you back?"



"He did. I don't know about now."



"No. Wrong. If he loved you this morning, I mean really loved you, he'll  still love you when the day is done. He's hurt, too, and you've got to  let him feel that. You betrayed him, okay? It was before you knew him,  but you still did it and you've got to own up to that. Do you still  think he killed your sister?"



"No! No, not at all. He would never do that. He's not on drugs. He's  talented and committed. I think that other doctor just wanted his job,  really. He just used me."



"Well, then you make sure David knows that you own this. Not that other  doctor, not him, but you, all on your own. Don't make excuses for  yourself and let him be angry if he needs to be. He'll get over it. Love  is too hard to find to throw it away. The two of you have both lost  people. You know it better than most."



"You know what?"



"What's that?"



"I love you, too. I really do, Yvonne. Thanks for putting up with me."



"You bet. I love you, too, which is why I do put up with you. Even when you act like a crazy person."



***



I still had that conversation in my head when I got back to David's  house. It was very, very late, late enough so that I didn't expect  anyone to be up.



I felt like an intruder and I had zero interest in being somewhere where  I wasn't wanted, but pretty much everything I owned was in that garage  apartment. I needed to grab a couple of things and then I would never  come back, not if he didn't want me to. The last thing I wanted to do  was hurt him even more.



"I can't remember her."



I screamed and dropped my purse and keys on the floor. The apartment was  dark and my first thought was that someone had broken in, but as my  mind processed what I had just heard I realized it was David. He was  sitting in the dark on the floor of my little bedroom, surrounded by my  things and what I still had left of Nikki's. I guess I could have been  angry at him for that, but after what I had done it seemed so small.  Besides, he wasn't snooping. At least it didn't feel like he was.



"I can't remember her, Kayla."



"Can't remember who, David?"



His voice was raw and he sounded like he had been crying. I padded  towards him softly, sitting down beside him and placing my hand gently  on his arm. I was terrified that he would shrug me off, but he didn't.  Instead he put one hand lightly on my knee, absently running his thumb  back and forth over the rough denim of my jeans. I could hardly breathe.                       
       
           



       



I was too afraid that if I did he would realize what he was doing and  stop. For all I knew, this was the last time he would touch me with that  kind of intimacy.



"Nikki. I went back to the hospital, went through the records. I got  home hours ago and all I've done since then is sit here and think. I've  been trying as hard as I can, but nothing makes it click. I can't  remember her, Kayla."



A tear rolled town his cheek and he just let it fall. It was like he  didn't even notice it. I reached one trembling hand up to his face and  wiped it away, daring to let it linger along the stubble indicating that  he had forgotten to shave. He looked at me then and I saw that there  was no more anger in his eyes. They just looked haunted. I wanted to  help make that look go away.



"It's okay. David, those things I did were wrong. They were inexcusable  and I wish I could take them back. I didn't understand back then, but I  know you now. David, you're a good man. You work hard and your whole  life is about helping other people before you help yourself. My sister  was sick from the moment she was born. Doctors didn't even expect her to  live as long as she did. I just couldn't face that when it happened.  None of it was your fault, do you hear me? None of it."



"You know what it is? I think I got so caught up in being the best  doctor around that I forgot about the key part. I forgot that it's about  the people, not just the medicine. I can promise you that I did  everything I could for your sister medically, but I didn't give her my  humanity. I won't make that mistake again."



I could feel my eyes growing hot with unshed tears and I pinched my arm,  determined not to start crying. I needed to be strong to get through  the rest of this.



"I'm not mad at you about it, David, really I'm not. You aren't the man I  thought you were when this all started and I honestly don't think  anything could have kept her alive, not for much longer. It's just hard,  you know? It's hard to hear that someone you loved more than anything  could be unremembered by her doctor."



"I know. God, I know how that must sound. But I had so many patients,  Kayla. I barely ever saw them. It was mostly other doctors and the  nurses. Even when I did see them I wasn't really looking. I remembered  case files, not faces. I can't see so many of their faces, the cases  that ended well and the cases I where I failed. But I swear, I swear I  won't ever let myself become that man again. I'm going to give my  patients everything I have, and the day I stop is the day I quit  practicing medicine."



"I think that's amazing. I think it will make you even better at what you do."



Then I stood and made my way towards my dresser, pulling out enough of  the essential to get me through a week or two. When I started doing that  David stood as well, moving slowly towards me.