The Dinosaur Feather(110)

“And you never got an explanation?”

“No,” Ulla replied. “Life moved on. New children, new family histories.”

“The other health visitor . . . what was her name?” Anna wanted to know.

“Grethe Nygaard. She’s dead. I saw her death notice in the local paper three years ago. She died in Greenland.”

Anna cast a sidelong glance at the envelope.

“Open the envelope, Anna,” Ulla said, gently. Anna reached for the envelope and her hands were shaking. I’m going to die, she thought. She opened the envelope and carefully pulled out a picture. She looked at the back of the photo.

“Jens and Sara Bella Nor, August 1978” it read. Anna stared at it. Then she turned it over. It had faded slightly, but only a little. The background showed hessian wallpaper and part of a brown window frame. There were two people in the picture. A very young Jens with masses of hair and a beard. He was looking into the camera and his smile was crooked, but his expression was dark and mournful. On his lap sat a small girl in a pinafore dress and a diaper. She was the spitting image of Lily. The tears started rolling down Anna’s cheeks.

“There can be no doubt,” Ulla said carefully. “You’re like two peas in a pod.” She looked gravely at Anna. “And I swear on my Hippocratic oath: the little girl in that photo, that one,” she pointed, “her name was Sara. I wrote her name on the back of the photo. I’ve always been meticulous.”

Ulla Bodelsen got up and sat down next to Anna on the sofa. Lily was absorbed in play under the dining table where she had lined up the teddies and the dolls. Anna wanted to get up, but instead she leaned into the other woman and Ulla put her strong, old arms around her.


Anna didn’t want to leave, but Lily had started rubbing her eyes so Anna decided the time had come to say good-bye. She returned the photo to the envelope and put it in her bag. Then she dressed Lily in her snowsuit and hugged Ulla Bodelsen. They didn’t speak much. Anna said thank you and the old woman said take good care of yourself. Lily wanted to be carried, and just as they boarded the train to Copenhagen, she fell asleep on Anna’s shoulder. Anna was soaked with sweat. She settled Lily across two seats, unzipped her snowsuit, and bought herself a large cup of tea with milk. Soon she found herself ringing Jens without having decided what to say to him.

“Jens.” He sounded tired.

“Dad, it’s me,” Anna said.

“Hi, sweetheart,” he murmured.

“Why haven’t either of you called me?” she asked, as calmly as she could manage. “Have you decided to gang up on your only daughter?”

“Anna,” her father said. “I’ve called you lots of times, but you won’t answer. Your behavior is ridiculous. Honestly. You’ve no reason to scream at your mother and lecture me. We’re only trying to help you. You’re stressed, we’re aware of that, and Cecilie and I think it’s crazy that Lily can’t be with us, with Cecilie, until your dissertation defense. But she’s your child and, of course, we can’t make the decision for you. We just don’t understand. Surely it would be much better for Lily to be with people who’ve got time for her, wouldn’t it, Anna, my love? But if you don’t want to—” He would have carried on talking, but Anna interrupted him.

“I love you, Dad, do you know that?” she said hoarsely. “But you’re spineless.” The tears forced their way out. “Not everything Cecilie says or does is the law. And right now Cecilie isn’t good for Lily or me. And I think you know that. I’ve been so unhappy these last two years because of Thomas, and I don’t know how I would have managed without your and Cecilie’s help. But you’ve got to stop now. Both of you. Lily and I need to be mother and daughter; there may only be two of us, Jens, but we’re a complete family. And you need to leave us alone. You can be Lily’s grandparents who visit on Sundays and bring sweets, and you can borrow her during summer vacation. But Lily’s my daughter, and I’m a good mother. Not perfect, but I want to be her mother. Do you understand?” She was hissing now from trying to keep her voice down. There was silence down the other end.

“I’ve never been able to understand why you’re so aggressive.” He sounded hurt.

“Who is Sara Bella?” There was no stopping her now.

“Pardon?” Jens switched the telephone to his other hand, and Anna imagined he had been lying on the sofa and was now sitting up.

“Who is Sara? I’m Sara, aren’t I? My name was Sara when I was a baby, wasn’t it? Why? What the hell is wrong with you two?!” She regretted the latter as soon as she had said it. Jens would only hear her swearing, not the message. As had happened a thousand times before. And she was right.