The Christmas Hope(24)

I couldn’t sleep at night. Neither could Mark. I’d get out of bed and wander the house before going back to bed an hour later. Then Mark would get up and I’d hear the TV or the shuffling of books before he’d come back to bed after an hour or so. Two years after Sean died Mark got up in the middle of the night and slept in the guest bedroom; he’d been there ever since and it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

It was hard to get out of bed each morning. If it hadn’t been for the children and families I worked with I’m sure I wouldn’t have. Somehow Sean knew that. That’s why he wanted that young man to tell me to never stop loving the children because the minute I stopped working with them would be the day I stayed in bed and never got up again.

I tried going to church after Sean died but after several Sundays I couldn’t go anymore. “They don’t need me there,” I told my mom when she asked a year after Sean’s funeral. “They don’t need to see me sitting there with my long face.”

“But you need them,” Mom said. “You need people who care about you.”

I didn’t need them and I didn’t want to be around them or anybody else, but I didn’t say that to her. I just wanted to be left alone. I found that I couldn’t even talk with Mom about Sean. It was selfish on my part; she had lost her grandson and wanted to connect with me but I kept her at arm’s length. It was easier that way. Time and again she sat down and tried to talk with me.

“Patti, God promised that He would never leave us,” she said after dinner one day.

I felt anger at what she was saying but didn’t show it. “I know that, Mom.”

“No, honey, you don’t,” she said.

I felt my jaw tighten.

“I just know that God was with Sean, helping him hold on until he could talk to that young doctor at the hospital.” Her voice broke and tears flowed over her cheeks. I wanted to be angry but I couldn’t. “If God left Sean during those last moments of his life then God’s a liar, Patti, and I don’t believe that.”

I squeezed her hand. She could believe whatever she wanted to help her through Sean’s death but as far as I was concerned God could have prevented the accident. He could have wakened Sean so he wouldn’t have hit the semi or he could have saved Sean’s life at the hospital. If God hadn’t abandoned Sean I would still have him today.





The kitchen door opened and I jumped. Emily was finishing her eggs and I realized I hadn’t paid attention to her in the last few minutes. I looked up to see Mark coming through the door. “Well, hello,” he said, looking at Emily. “I didn’t know we had company.”

“This is Emily,” I said, trying to gather my thoughts.

Mark extended his hand. “Hello, Emily. It’s very nice to meet you.”

She looked at him and remained quiet. It was enough for her to get to know me—now she had to add yet another stranger to her life.

“My mom died,” she said, as a way of introduction. I had wanted to prep Mark before he got home and tell him what was happening. I hadn’t imagined Emily would tell him herself. I could see it took Mark off guard.

“I’m really sorry,” he said.

“I’m sorry your son died.” Her words left a lump in my throat.

“Did you stay here last night?” Mark asked.

She nodded.

“You can stay here as long as you like.”

“Are all airplane flyers tall?” she asked, looking up at him.

Mark smiled. “No, some of them aren’t, but we tall ones don’t hang around with them.”

“Are you going to help with the Christmas tree?” She was already at ease with Mark; he always had a way with kids. Mark looked at me and I tried to smile. “Santa’s helper brought it.”

“You mean an elf brought a tree?”

“Yes. My mom and me didn’t have one last year but she said we’d have one this year. Can you help us?”

He looked at me. The last tree we had decorated was the year Sean died. That was nearly four years ago.

“I’d love to.”

There. It was settled. The three of us would be decorating a Christmas tree and it’d be the first time for all of us in a long time.





“I meant to call and tell you about Emily,” I said to Mark in the garage as he looked for extension cords.

“It’s okay.”

“She’s sleeping in the guest bedroom.”

He stopped. “That’s okay. I’ll sleep in the other room.” Sean’s room. I turned to walk back into the house. “Where will she go from here?”