The Boy Who Knew Me When(40)

The next few weeks went by in a blur. Julian started back to school and I had managed to find a job serving coffee alongside Rebecca at Coffee Bean. She felt bad about what had happened between Cole and Brea so she put in a good word for me and I was hired the second a position opened up. She had no clue that she was the “other” woman until Brea showed up one day and threw an entire carafe of half and half in her face screaming a bunch of nonsense about “stealing her man”. I was still in shock over the fact that she ever considered that moron to be anything other than a play toy in the first place.

If I had been Rebecca I would have been livid about the incident especially because as it turns out, she had been dating Cole for the past two years and wore his engagement ring on her ring finger to prove it. But she was pretty cool about it once the initial shock of being drowned in cold milk eased up a bit and we have all been pretty copacetic ever since. Needless to say she kicked Cole to the curb, quite literally.

It was hard not seeing Julian, some days he was so busy between classes, homework and his own job at the auto parts store that we didn’t have a chance to actually see one another. At times I wished I had not been so lax in high school so we could at least see each other on campus in between classes. Not that it would have mattered much considering I had to put everything off until next semester in order to get my head straight.

We would go out on the weekends, usually for nothing but food and conversation. We learned quickly that movies were off limits since we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other in the dark of a cold movie theater. We could not drink because the alcohol would cloud our judgment and if he stayed at my place we slept together with the door wide open. Brea’s idea, of course.

Feeling guilty and unsure after our second private play session early the next morning I decided to confront Dr. Schneider and ask him to define his idea of heavy petting. He pretty much shot down all hope of anything that could possibly lead into something more satisfying. Basically, if we were together it was hands off, even if those hands were our own hands violating our own personal space. I am glad I did not wait until my next appointment because I had already failed pretty miserably. It was probably a good thing we rarely got to see one another. It was getting to the point where every time I looked at him he was naked, no matter how many layers there were between us.

Brandon and I had also made up, not that I had anything to make up for really. But I did feel bad that Brandon had to witness the emotional connection between Julian and I in such an ‘in your face’ way. Even though it was unintentional he didn’t deserve to have my relationship with Julian rubbed in his face. I called him the day after he left to make sure he got home safely and was pleasantly surprised when he answered the phone after he first ring.

“Hi, Jem,” he said.

I could hear the sadness in his voice and wanted so much to be able to take the pain away from him but there was nothing I could do or say that would make things any easier. There was no take backs this time and he knew it. I apologized to Brandon for what he saw on the couch.

“Bab.....Jemma...”

He stopped himself from calling me his baby and my heart stopped at the realization that I would never again be his “baby”. He had been calling me that since the end of our second date, I loved hearing him say it because it made him seem real to me. There was always a certain reassurance with the term that told me Brandon was truly mine, it also served as a reminder that I was his.

“I tried to say goodbye to us when I moved to New York but when I came to see you and I saw the way your face lit up when you saw me, I had hope again. But then I had the unfortunate chance at witnessing the connection between you and him, how drawn the two of you were to each other, I realized I couldn’t keep the blinders on anymore.”

“Brandon...”

“No Jem.” He interrupted. “Just don’t, please don’t. Don’t try to play it down, not that I give a shit but he doesn’t deserve for you to play down the feelings you have for him. I know what I saw, I saw MY GIRL giving away something I had been trying to get from her for four years with zero success. I saw my girl giving her heart away; maybe she had already given it to him. Maybe all this time she had no heart to give back to me and I just never fuckin’ noticed.”

“But you do have my heart Brandon; you will always have a piece of it.” And I meant every word.

“I have a place in your heart; I don’t have your heart, huge difference. Don’t worry Jemma, I’m a big boy, I’m going to be fine. If I know that you are happy, I will be fine. Look, I gotta go, call me Friday. It’s hard to give you the time that you need during the week and I have no class on Friday. I love you, I promise, I do.”