The Boy Who Knew Me When(35)

“I thought I loved him. He could have spent all of these years with someone who would have loved him back. I am a horrible person!” I cried and he handed me a tissue.

“I made a mistake the last time you were here Jemma. I made a very unprofessional off handed comment about you perhaps not even loving the Mr.Ackles and for that I am sorry. The truth is that we lean on the people we love. The fact that you trust Brandon enough to lean on him shows me that you love him. Don’t doubt that there is love there; I don’t think it is possible not to love someone who so very obviously loves you. But love has many faces. Learning the difference between friendship and romantic love means finding a love that encompasses every face love has to offer. When you find someone who not only holds you up but also pushes you to walk all while making you feel like you can conquer the world you will see it for what it is, something real.”

I hear every word Dr. Schneider was saying to me but I was still confused about Julian.

“I can see you are still struggling with your feelings so I am going to help you along. I want you to make a pact with yourself, and me, to abstain from sexual relations for sixty days. No penetration, no heavy petting, none of it. Continue your medication and keep a journal. Journaling will help you to sort everything out in your head at the end of a long day. The sixty days will also give your body a chance to get used to the medication because I am taking you off the lithium and putting you combination drug therapy. Have you been getting your blood tests regularly?”

I told him the truth. I had not had a blood test in over a year and he agreed that it was definitely time to have one done and urged me to make an appointment with my primary care physician. After which he directed me to schedule our next visit and led me out of the room.



The drive back to the apartment was a quiet one. I kept looking over at Brandon, who never took his eyes off the road, trying to figure out if I should tell him about my session. He had tried to hold my hand once we climbed into the car but I pulled away. I could not keep doing this to him and I no longer wanted him to hold me up anymore. I just needed him to be my friend and I could see there was a moment when he had hoped that we might reignite the flame that had once burned between us, something even I had considered. But now that I understood what we had, a romantic relationship was something the two of us could never again revisit.

We pulled into the parking lot and Brandon parked the car.

“My mom wants to see me before I go back to New York. Do you mind if I just drop you off here?”

I could see the suffering in his eyes. He did not want to be near me any longer than he had to be. We had not said a word but a part of him knew what had played out behind the closed door of Dr. Schneider's office.

“That’s fine.” I paused considering my next words carefully. “I love you Brandon. I didn’t know how much until today.”

He flicked at his steering wheel refusing to look up. “But,” he said.

“But...you and me, as an us, it is not healthy, not for either of us. You cannot keep running to my side every time I get an itch Brandon. I need to know that you are out there living your life. I do not want to lose you, not because I think I cannot live without you holding me up, but because you are a part of who I am. Knowing that you have even a tiny place in my life makes everything worth fighting for.”

Brandon looked up at me with tears in his eyes fully aware of what I was saying no matter how much he wanted to hear something different.

“This is it. All I can offer you from now on is friendship and I know that it might be selfish of me but I so very much want you to be my friend. In order to do that I need you to tell me again that you won’t be waiting in the wings for me. Only this time I desperately need you to mean it. I cannot move on until you mean it.”

My tone had turned to pure desperation. I waited in silence for what felt like years before I finally heard Brandon speak. He wiped the tears from his face, grabbed my shoulders and turned me around to face him leaving his hands firmly in place. He noticed the pendant around my neck, he didn’t know it but I never took it off, and looked up into my eyes.

“I, Brandon Coy Hicks will not ever again be caught waiting in the wings for you Jemma Lee Hale. I am your friend, I will be the best friend that I can be if you promise me that you will be happy. That you will take your medication, see your doctor and take care of yourself. Because even though you are only my friend, I couldn’t live another day knowing that I failed you because you Jemma Hale are a part of me as well. A part so absolutely vital that my body would cease to function if anything happened to it. Are you hearing me?”