The Boy Who Knew Me When(26)

I would allow most of my date’s hands go just about anywhere they wanted to go as long as it ignited the pain and throbbing that made me feel alive. I was not selfish about it; I always gave back whatever I received. The fact that I would eventually regret every second of the time I spent letting uncaring boys violate my body had no effect on the choices that I made. Soon I found that I had gained a reputation so I moved on to boys outside of middle school seeking the comfort of older guys in highschool. Preferably those getting ready to leave for college.



During this time Brea and I started arguing nonstop which was nothing at all like us. It hurt her to see the road I was choosing and I could not get her to understand that the choices being made were not something I would choose for myself had I any ability to think straight. I tried to explain to her how suffocating the numbness was, but her life had always been perfect and she simply lacked all understanding. When my reputation resulted in her gaining the same reputation by association she stopped wanting to be seen with me in school. Later, when she gained her own reputation without any help from me she would laugh at the irony. Missing Brea was the only reason I decided to open up to my therapist and allow her to help me.

A week after my confession I was referred to a psychiatrist and eventually diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder or manic depression as it is sometimes called. Apparently some people with the disorder turn to violence, other to shopping, some to drinking and others like me, to sex. I truly did feel as if I needed the closeness that certain sexual acts afforded me. The feeling of being wanted and the variety of excitement temporarily fueled my lack of feeling breathing life back into me.

I was also informed that Bi-Polar disorder is often an inherited condition and sometimes linked to schizophrenia. It was after being diagnosed that my aunt shared with me our family’s long torrid experience with mental illness. She confided that the mental health of immediate family was one of the main reasons she refused to get romantically involved with a man, or woman, in all of her 48 years. She said that she refused to burden anyone should she develop any abnormal psychological issues. No she was not a 48 year old virgin; she simply chose to go the route of having relationships with men who had a mutual desire to satisfy her physical needs without strings. I never questioned her, she seemed happy and that was all that mattered.



“How did you know?” I asked Brea who had not moved an inch in the five minutes I stood in the bathroom doorway trying to figure out how she deciphered that I was no longer taking the lithium; I’d only missed two weeks.

I had completely forgotten about the screams coming from my bedroom as I stepped into the shower. The shouting most likely meant that Brea caught Axel with his pants down. Sometimes I forgot that she was skilled at picking locks. A talent she felt the need to become skilled in the first time I locked myself in my room and refused to open to the door to anyone and everyone, including her.

“How did I know?” She asked in a manner that suggested I was a complete moron. “Don’t tell me you have already gone that far into the deep, because I watched you take it a few weeks ago.”

I took a step forward but failed to manage another before I sat down right where I stood pulling my knees up, resting my chin atop them and throwing my hands over my head. I felt the floor bounce as Brea marched over to me and bent down resting her head on top of my forearm.

“Oh babe, please do not put yourself through this again. Axel told me you threw yourself at him. Locked him in the room and practically raped him.”

I jerked my head up almost head-butting her in the chin at the accusation of raping Axel, who had barely put up a fight.

“Chill out,” she said practically. “I am not so stupid as to think he ever actually fought you off his pecker. But I know you and I know that seeing Ford there with that woman sent you over the edge. I also know how you choose to self medicate when the pain comes. You know Brandon is going to kick his teeth in right?”

My eyes widened at the thought of Brandon finding out that I had seduced his best friend. In all of the years I was with him I never once needed anyone else. When I was hurting he always soothed the ache, most of the time without ever touching me because just being around him made me feel alive. Of course I was also seeing a shrink and heavily medicated, rarely missing a dose the entire four years we were together.

Brea jumped up from the floor like her pants had caught on fire.

“Fucking Axel! He of all people should know better! I tell you what, that son of a bitch’s face is going to be black and blue for the next month because I kicked his fucking ass and to tell you the Goddamn truth I should kick yours too!”