The Arrangement Anthology 2(187)

“I don’t know how to say it, so I’m just going to tell you. We didn’t mean for it to happen.” I start twisting my hands as I speak and look at the waves crashing on the sand. “It just did. We were both upset and found comfort in each other. That’s the thing, Sean--when things with you are bad, Trystan is always there. He’s sweet, and he cares about me. That’s the only reason I’m not flipping out right now.” The wind whips my hair into my face, and it catches in the streams of tears still pouring from my eyes.

“Sean, I’m pregnant. I’m sorry. I’m sorry it’s not yours. I can’t--”

“Who?”

My jaw drops and I suddenly can’t do it. This will kill him. What’s left of his soul will shrivel up and die. I reach for him, but Sean pulls away. “Sean, I didn’t think we even--”

“A name. You owe me a name.” He stands there in the sand with the wind catching his hair and blowing it back into those deep blue eyes. They were once as still as the ocean, and their depths held secrets laced with too much pain for one person to bear. It's too late to undo this, and it's still the best way to keep him safe. Sean would die for me, I know he would--that’s why I have to finish. Swallowing hard, I whisper the name.

“Trystan.”

The man in front of me turns to stone. Those dark eyes don’t blink. They remain fixed on a spot on the shore, as he stands there perfectly still. It’s like I sucker-punched him with a mace at the worst time, in the worst way. No matter what Sean wants, there’s no future for us. No white picket fences, no little house. Nothing. All these things are racing through his mind. Each thought severs the connection we've found and decimates any hope things will end well for us.

That was the problem--there is no happy ending for us--not with the way things have unraveled. All this time I was the target, not Sean. All this time they were hunting me, and perhaps it wasn’t vicious initially, but it is now. There’s no way out for me, but if I can get Sean to walk away, he’ll live. He’ll heal. He can’t move forward with me.

My future will end with a toe tag and a body bag.

My stomach churns like I ate glass. I want to puke all over the sand and fall on my face, crying. Everything I did was in vain. Everyone who tried to protect me died. The people around me were deprived of a long life because fate had me cross their paths.

My parents… I can’t even think about it. My mother spent her entire life hiding me, my father protected both of us, and in a snap--gone. They died because of me.

My biological father is a murderer who wanted me dead. Since Bryan shot him, I’ll never know why. What did I do that warranted a bullet in the head? Was it a vendetta against my mother or me? Marty said I was supposed to die that night, too.

My brother will finish what our father started. If he was willing to go after the Ferro family--if Vic took out Constance--I’m toast. There’s no chance I’ll walk away from this. I can’t condemn Sean to die. I can’t pull him down with me.

I feel cruel. I know how this will rip Sean apart. I know what my words are doing to Sean as we stand there in silence. There’s no coming back from this point. I walked our relationship to the edge of a cliff and shoved it off.

He wants to walk away. He has to.

Sean stands there, silent for way too long. His face is slack as he stares at the ocean. Memories of us come flooding back. The way he sat with me on the sand, the day he held me and loved me, the fights that always seemed to reconcile--all those memories tainted now. I poisoned the well.

Finally, I walk over and stand next to him. I need to finish. I need to make sure he doesn’t pull a Lazarus and come back for me again.

My mouth feels dry and my heart races as I form sentences in my mind, lacing together things I don’t want to say.

“Sean, I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m sorry.”

When he finally speaks, his voice is flat. There’s no fight left in him. Sean stares past me, and the only indication that he’s upset is the way his jaw tenses.

“We talked about our pasts and lovers--Avery, you lied to me. How could you tell me…” his voice cracks before he can finish. He clears his throat and runs his hands through his hair, pushing it back from his face. When Sean looks up, the sheen in his eyes is gone. The tears that would have fallen will never be shed. He’s hardened himself.

I can see him shut me out in those seconds, and it’s like having a guillotine drop on my heart.

My tears are real, so real that they burn my skin. They might as well be acid for how much they hurt. I swallow hard and turn to face the wind. It bites at my face and whips my hair. The tightness in my chest is paralyzing, but there was no other way.