The Absolution of Aidan(15)

“I appreciate it. Will talk soon. I love you, Alina. Your support mean everything to me.”

“I love you, too. And I’m so incredibly proud of you.” Hearing those words of encouragement mean more to me than anything.

We hang up, with me promising to call her any time, day or night, if I have concerns regarding Diesel. I have many concerns, but none of them have to do with his health.

With my phone still in my hand, I rub my temples, thinking about how I want this all to play out. I need to do what’s best for the baby. My gut is telling me I need to speak to Aidan first before he sees Diesel, but what if he rejects him? Starts yelling, demanding why I waited this long to tell him?

The pills are taking effect. My head is clearer now. No matter his reaction, I can and will handle this.

I need to go to him before he comes here, which I know he will.

I dial my mom, the only other person I trust right now to leave Diesel with. When she says she can be here within the hour, I hustle to finish getting ready. This isn’t a date or an I’m-here-to-impress-you kind of thing, yet I still want to look good. If anything, I’m doing it to reassure Aidan that I’m doing great, that I’m fully capable of raising our son.

Most people may not truly understand the after effects of having a breakdown. I’m better, so much better than I was a year ago, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have a long way to go to get my life back. The dreams still come and go, leaving me fearful to fall back to sleep. The small dosage of Xanax helps me and millions of other people in this world face days when it seems our plate is piled so high we don’t know what to do. It helps us climb it. Conquer it. Some of us need a little extra shove to get to the top.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking medication to help us get through the day, to deal with the shit we have to live through.

Stuffing my makeup back into my bag, I make my way down the hall to the baby’s room. The sun is shining in through the windows. He’s sleeping on his stomach, clutching his favorite blue blanket in his tiny little hand, peaceful after his morning bottle feeding. The one thing I didn’t get to experience with him was breast-feeding. Medication passes through the breast milk, Xanax especially. It can cause serious issues, such as drowsiness, weight loss, and other complications. No way was I taking my chances when it comes to my sweet gift. I never want harm or danger to cross his path. Not as long as I’m around to defend him, which will be for the rest of his life. That’s what parenting is all about. It doesn’t matter how old your child is, a good parent will do everything to make sure their child’s life is healthy and happy and full of love. That’s all I want for him.

Bending over the railing of his crib, I kiss him lightly on his head before I leave him to his sweet dreams.

By the time my mother gets there, I’m dressed in a light yellow sundress, my long, black hair pulled into a high pony tail. I slip my feet into a pair of brown flip-flops, greeting her at the door.

“You look lovely, honey,” she says, pulling me into her arms.

“Are you sure you’re ready to do this?” she asks.

“Well, no, but it has to be done,” I say with a fake smile. She’s been through so much with me this past year. It won’t matter what I say to try and convince her to not worry, she will anyway.

“Thanks for staying with him. I need to go before Aidan decides to show up here first.” I tell her in a rush how Alina told him I was back before I hesitate to get out the door.

“Go. We’ll be fine.” She shoves me out the door. So much for stalling.

I waver. “Deidre, go. You can do this.” I can, I think to myself.

Forty-five minutes later, I’m sitting in the same parking lot I sat in last night, only this time my stomach is rolling. My entire body is sweating, I’m shaking so bad.

“Get out,” I tell myself. I grab my wallet, phone, and keys, then step out into the humid air. My feet feel like they’re full of some sort of heavy lead by the time I enter the lobby. Glancing up to security, I see that there’s a different man sitting at the podium. Shit, will he let me up without notifying him?

I stop and dial Roan, praying he’s still here. When it goes to voicemail, I turn around, wondering what the hell I’m going to do.

A soft hand grazes my shoulder. I jump, then turn around to the soft voice of Calla Bexley, and see her holding the cutest little baby girl I have ever seen.

“Deidre. It’s so good to see you. You look great.” She smiles.

“You do, too. Congrats on the little one. My parents told me all about her. She’s beautiful. I love her name, too. Hello there, Justice,” I say softly. She grins toothlessly. Adorable.