The 5 Love Languages(15)

One medicine cannot cure all diseases. In my advice to Bill and Betty Jo, I made a serious mistake. I assumed that words of affirmation would mean as much to Betty Jo as they would to Bill. I had hoped that if each of them would give adequate verbal affirmation, the emotional climate would change, and both of them would begin to feel loved. It worked for Bill. He began to feel more positive about Betty Jo. He began to sense genuine appreciation for his hard work, but it had not worked as well for Betty Jo, for words of affirmation were not her primary love language. Her language was quality time.





I got back on the phone and thanked Bill for his efforts in the past two months. I told him that he had done a good job of verbally affirming Betty Jo and that she had heard his affirmations. “But, Dr. Chapman,” he said, “she is still not very happy. I don’t think things are much better for her.”

“You are right,” I said, “and I think I know why. The problem is that I suggested the wrong love language.” Bill hadn’t the foggiest idea what I meant. I explained that what makes one person feel loved emotionally is not always the thing that makes another person feel loved emotionally.

He agreed that his language was words of affirmation. He told me how much that had meant to him as a boy and how good he felt when Betty Jo expressed appreciation for the things he did. I explained that Betty Jo’s language was not words of affirmation but quality time. I explained the concept of giving someone your undivided attention, not talking to her while you read the newspaper or watch television but looking into her eyes, giving her your full attention, doing something with her that she enjoys doing and doing it wholeheartedly. “Like going to the symphony with her,” he said. I could tell the lights were coming on in Little Rock.

“Dr. Chapman, that is what she has always complained about. I didn’t do things with her, I didn’t spend any time with her. ‘We used to go places and do things before we were married,’ she said, ‘but now, you’re too busy.’ That’s her love language all right; no question about it. But, Dr. Chapman, what am I gonna do? My job is so demanding.”

“Tell me about it,” I said.

For the next ten minutes, he gave me the history of his climb up the organizational ladder, of how hard he had worked, and how proud he was of his accomplishments. He told me of his dreams for the future and that he knew that within the next five years, he would be where he wanted to be.

“Do you want to be there alone, or do you want to be there with Betty Jo and the children?” I asked.

“I want her to be with me, Dr. Chapman. I want her to enjoy it with me. That’s why it always hurts so much when she criticizes me for spending time on the job. I am doing it for us. I wanted her to be a part of it, but she is always so negative.”

“Are you beginning to see why she was so negative, Bill?” I asked. “Her love language is quality time. You have given her so little time that her love tank is empty. She doesn’t feel secure in your love. Therefore she has lashed out at what was taking your time in her mind—your job. She doesn’t really hate your job. She hates the fact that she feels so little love coming from you. There’s only one answer, Bill, and it’s costly. You have to make time for Betty Jo. You have to love her in the right love language.”

“I know you are right, Dr. Chapman. Where do I begin?”

“Do you have your legal pad handy? The one on which we made the list of the positive things about Betty Jo?”

“It’s right here.”

“Good. We’re going to make another list. What are some things that you know Betty Jo would like you to do with her? Things she has mentioned through the years.” Here is Bill’s list:



Take our RV and spend a weekend in the mountains (sometimes with the children and sometimes just the two of us).





Meet her for lunch (at a nice restaurant or sometimes even at McDonald’s).





Get a baby-sitter and take her out to dinner, just the two of us.





When I come home at night, sit down and talk with her about my day and listen as she tells me about her day. (She doesn’t want me to watch TV while we are trying to talk.)





Spend time talking with the children about their school experiences.





Spend time playing games with the children.





Go on a picnic with her and the children on Saturday and don’t complain about the ants and the flies.





Take a vacation with the family at least once a year.





Go walking with her and talk as we walk. (Don’t walk ahead of her.)





“Those are the things she has talked about through the years,” he said.