The 5 Love Languages(13)
They told me that they had been going for marriage counseling but didn’t seem to be making much progress. They were attending my marriage seminar, and I was leaving town the next day. This would likely be my only encounter with Bill and Betty Jo. I decided to put all my eggs in one basket.
I spent an hour with each of them separately. I listened intently to both stories. I discovered that in spite of the emptiness of their relationship and their many disagreements, they appreciated certain things about each other. Bill acknowledged, “She is a good mother. She also is a good housekeeper and an excellent cook when she chooses to cook. But,” he continued, “there is simply no affection coming from her. I work my butt off and there is simply no appreciation.” In my conversation with Betty Jo, she agreed that Bill was an excellent provider. “But,” she complained, “he does nothing around the house to help me, and he never has time for me. What’s the use of having the house, the recreational vehicle, and all the other things if you don’t ever get to enjoy them together?”
With that information, I decided to focus my advice by making only one suggestion to each of them. I told Bill and Betty Jo separately that each one held the key to changing the emotional climate of the marriage. “That key,” I said, “is to express verbal appreciation for the things you like about the other person and, for the moment, suspending your complaints about the things you do not like.” We reviewed the positive comments they had already made about each other and helped each of them write a list of those positive traits. Bill’s list focused on Betty Jo’s activities as a mother, housekeeper, and cook. Betty Jo’s list focused on Bill’s hard work and financial provision of the family. We made the lists as specific as possible. Betty Jo’s list looked like this:
He hasn’t missed a day of work in twelve years. He is aggressive in his work.
He has received several promotions through the years. He is always thinking of ways to improve his productivity.
He makes the house payment each month.
He also pays the electrical bill, the gas bill, the water bill.
He bought us a recreational vehicle three years ago.
He mows the grass or hires someone to do it each week in the spring and summer.
He rakes the leaves or hires someone to do it in the fall.
He provides plenty of money for food and clothing for the family.
He carries the garbage out about once a month.
He provides money for me to buy Christmas presents for the family.
He agrees that I can use the money I make at my part-time job any way I desire.
Bill’s list looked like this:
She makes the beds every day.
She vacuums the house every week.
She gets the kids off to school every morning with a good breakfast.
She cooks dinner about three days a week.
She buys the groceries.
She helps the children with their homework.
She transports the children to school and church activities.
She teaches first grade Sunday school.
She takes my clothes to the cleaners.
She does the washing and some ironing.
I suggested that they add to the lists things they noticed in the weeks ahead. I also suggested that twice a week, they select one positive trait and express verbal appreciation for it to the spouse. I gave one further guideline. I told Betty Jo that if Bill happened to give her a compliment, she was not to give him a compliment at the same time but rather, she should simply receive it and say, “Thank you for saying that.” I told Bill the same thing. I encouraged them to do that every week for two months, and if they found it helpful, they could continue. If the experiment did not help the emotional climate of the marriage, then they could write it off as another failed attempt.
The next day, I got on the plane and returned home. I made a note to call Bill and Betty Jo two months later to see what had happened. When I called them in mid-summer, I asked to speak to each of them individually. I was amazed to find that Bill’s attitude had taken a giant step forward. He had guessed that I had given Betty Jo the same advice I had given him, but that was all right. He loved it. She was expressing appreciation for his hard work and his provision for the family. “She has actually made me feel like a man again. We’ve got a ways to go, Dr. Chapman, but I really believe we are on the road.”
When I talked to Betty Jo, however, I found that she had only taken a baby step forward. She said, “It has improved some, Dr. Chapman. Bill is giving me verbal compliments as you suggested, and I guess he is sincere. But, Dr. Chapman, he’s still not spending any time with me. He is still so busy at work that we never have time together.”