Sweetest Sin(27)
I’d prove it.
I reached the door before her, pushing a hand against it. Honor didn’t look at me. Her fingers trembled on the handle.
I leaned close. This woman was so tiny, so delicate and fragile, and yet…
So powerful.
A woman this lovely and holy would always attract darkness.
“Would you rather live in guilt, harbor this pain, and suffer in secret?” I whispered.
Honor didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I know how badly I want you.”
Jesus.
I shamed myself by blocking her path. She stepped away from the door as my cassock created a wall of solid black, preventing her escape.
“It’s not a weakness to admit it,” she said.
I agreed. One fewer lesson to teach her.
Honor confronted me with the wrong type of confidence. “I don’t trust how I feel. I don’t understand it, and so I will remove the temptation before…anything happens.”
“Has that worked before?” I circled her. “Denying me? Ignoring me? Shielding yourself from me?”
She bit her lip. I stared at the softness, so plump and full, a soft brown that highlighted the gentle femininity of her body. We stood close enough to touch, but still I resisted. I breathed deeply instead.
Sweet apples.
Candied apples.
How could she possess such a dangerous scent? No incense would ever smell as sweet.
Would she taste just as decadent?
“What thoughts have you had, my angel? Confess them to me.”
Honor sighed. “Horrible, beautiful thoughts.”
“Of what?”
Her voice trembled, and I felt the divine warning in every syllable. “You.”
“Tell me.”
“Father, I can’t speak of such things inside a church.”
Holy Mary, mother of God…
“Confess to me.”
“Why?” Honor looked away. “Why confess when I will just think the same thoughts, again and again? I’ve confessed once, and it hasn’t helped.”
I shouldn’t have hardened.
Another reprimand, another penance.
“Have you transgressed again?” The fantasy teased me.
“No, Father. I didn’t do…that.”
A relief…and another challenge. Despite that wicked and unsavory sin, I was yet a man. And a man was vain and simple, requiring the compliment of lust to appease his pride.
“Has the thought tempted you?” I lowered my voice. “Have you wished to touch yourself?”
“Yes.”
“Tell me.”
She hesitated, too afraid to reveal the truth to the man and priest suffering from her shared desire.
And I answered for her.
“You ache at all hours…” I spoke from experience. “You’re hot, always. Desperate. Thinking only carnal and terrible thoughts.”
“Yes.”
“And who is with you in these thoughts?”
“You are, Father Raphael.”
Pray for us sinners…
“You want to feel my touch. Hear my words.”
Honor groaned. “This is wrong.”
“It is, because you realize how badly you wish to experience it. Can you imagine me? My lips on yours…my hands free to caress your body—celebrating you, sanctifying you, perfect and soft.”
“Why are you saying such things?”
“You don’t suffer alone.” I twisted the rosary in my hand, pinching hard until I was certain the beads imbedded into my skin. “You are my prayer now, Honor. Every joyous and solemn word I speak is a shade of your name.”
She sucked in a breath. “We’re speaking in sins.”
“No. I’m being honest. It is a part of humanity—these desires are what make me a man.”
“But you have to be a priest.”
“And so…” I gestured to the space between us. “I have not indulged.”
Even when it might’ve been easy.
Even when I might’ve taken her, thrown her onto my desk, the floor, against a wall.
My worst demonic urges imagined her lying flat, naked, waiting on the altar with her legs spread, breasts heaving.
Slick and sacrilegious.
Begging in blasphemy.
If I was to sin, I’d lose myself entirely. And if I was to remain holy? It would be in praise of my vows, my faith, and my honor.
Now and at the hour of our death…
“We have a choice.” I declared it, loud, as if in Mass. This would be my most important homily. “We can surrender to this desire. I’ll take your virginity, and my vow of celibacy will belong to you. We will succumb, and this sin will be claimed.”
Honor shook her head. “Absolutely not.”
“Then we must do what people have done for ages.”
“Suppress it.”
“No…fight it.”