Surrendered(48)

We go back down the stairs and pass Molly and Hugo coming up. I don’t miss the careful exchange of the office key. Oh my god, why do I suddenly feel like one of their cheap groupie ho’s?! At least it wasn’t a toilet cubicle, it could be worse I suppose.

We drink and hang out with Harry and George, but Theo has pulled away again. He doesn’t touch me like he usually does, and he seems completely out of it most of the time. George meets my eyes and frowns. I shrug, because I really have no idea what is going on with him. I need to talk to him, but I can’t here, the music is so loud I can barely here myself think, let alone have a conversation.

I was having a good time, but my concern for Theo, for us, has put a damper on my night.

I lean over, near his ear. “I’m going to go.” I hope he can hear me over the music. He nods and stands up, offering me his hand. He wraps an arm around my waist and guides me outside. I turn and face him. In the brighter lights outside the club I can see that he looks exhausted.

“What is going on with you?” I ask bluntly.

His eyes meet mine, and he seems to be looking for something. “Nothing, I’m just sorting through some pretty heavy shit. It’ll be fine.” He feigns a smile that is so pathetic he shouldn’t have bothered.

I step closer to him and cup his face in both hands. “I thought we were supposed to shoulder each other’s heavy shit?”

He nods. “Yeah, I just…I need to get my head around it first, okay?”

“Okay.” I whisper. It feels like there’s this great big wall between us, but for once I’m not the one putting it there. “Just promise me something?” He nods. “If you need me, then you’ll come to me. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t lean on me just because of all my shit. You’ve been there for me, let me return the favour. When I said I’d stand by you, I meant through everything.”

He smiles softly and presses his lips to mine. “I promise.”

“Are you coming back to mine?” I ask.

“Sure, sugar.”



I wake up screaming again. It takes me a moment to realise my surroundings. I fucking hate this shit. I can feel their hands on me and it makes me feel sick. Why can I not just be free of this? My body is slick with sweat, my breathing unsteady. I suck in lungful’s of air, just trying to calm down.

My bedroom door opens casting a strip of light across the room. Theo stands there wearing a pair of trackies and a hoody. He comes and sits down on the edge of the bed, a deep frown carved across his face.

“You okay, sugar?” He strokes my face gently. His eyes find mine, full of concern. Something in me wants to lash out and reject any kind of pity.

“I’m fine.” I say as I climb out of bed. I move quickly into the en-suite and pull the door closed behind me. I don’t like him seeing this side of me. Ever. It’s one thing to admit you have demons, but to let someone see how they haunt you, well…I can’t deal with it.

I turn on the light and lean my hands against the edge of the sink. I look up and glance at my reflection. I see the demons swimming in my own eyes. I don’t want to. I close my eyes and lean my forehead against the glass, just breathing in and out, in and out.

“Lilly.” Theo’s voice comes from the doorway, low and with that bite of authority that makes him a force to be reckoned with.

I stand up straight and glance at the door. He’s leant against the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest. I suddenly feel cornered. My chest feels tight, like I can’t breathe. I just need him to back off. I need some space right now.

He doesn’t move, just watches me. I feel ashamed. I know it’s irrational, but I feel tainted and I don’t want him to see me right now, whilst I’m weak.

“Please, just wait outside.” I say, barely holding it together. I don’t know why I’m such a mess. I think it must be the lack of sleep and the nightmares catching up with me. This is the third night in a row I’ve had the nightmares, and my mind feels like it’s at snapping point.

“No.” He says quietly.

“Please.” I say desperately.

“Don’t push me away, Lilly.” He says quietly.

“What, like you’re doing to me?” I snap as tears threaten. Fuck, why won’t he just leave?

His eyes meet mine and hold my stare for a few seconds. Wordlessly he closes the distance between us and pulls me into his arms. He holds me so tight I can barely breathe. “No.” He whispers against my ear again. I want to lash out, to push him away, because this is so one sided, and it makes me feel vulnerable and shitty, but I don’t. I inhale his scent, that rich masculine smell that is all him. I bury my face in the warmth of his chest, and I let him hold me. Despite the messed up defensive part of my mind screaming at me to stand on my own two feet, the part of me that needs him wins out and goes to him. He brings with him this calm feeling, a serenity that I’m unable to create on my own. He has that quiet power that’s present in everything he is. He makes me feel like he could take on the world. We stay like that for what feels like forever. Eventually I push away from him.