Stupid Girl(112)

I let a long, pent up breath slowly release from my lungs. “I believe you,” I finally answered. Brax’s eyes remained guarded, though, never leaving mine. I exhaled, fought back tears as my own realization flashed before me. “But, Brax,” and at that moment, fear crossed his gaze, and I hated it. “I gave you my complete trust. After everything I’d gone through with Kelsy my senior year, I overcame it all by believing in you. What we shared that night? It meant way more to me than you can imagine.” I stared at him. “And I gave it to you. Willingly. I didn’t think that would ever happen. When you broke it off?” The too-recent memory crowded me. “God, it hurt. Hurt so bad, Brax.”

“It was not casual to me, either, Gracie, please,” Brax insisted. “Far from it. It was so goddamn real, it scared the hell out of me. I’d never experienced anything like it. Like you.” He lifted our joined hands to his lips, brushed a cold kiss over my knuckles, and my heart plummeted once more. “I’m sorry for letting you think, even for a second, that what we had wasn’t real. I’m sorry for letting Evans and his father convince me into breaking it off with you, instead of telling you what had happened. It was stupid. A fucking mistake. And I’m asking for another chance.”

My brain and my heart tangled. I wanted to trust him fully; believe in him. Part of me did, one hundred percent. But that other part had doubts, and not all were caused by Brax’s betrayal. It was residual, a dirty sheen of self-doubt left over from my days with Kelsy. I knew then if Brax and I were meant to be, we would be. But I didn’t want to go into that relationship half-cocked. I wanted no doubts. No second guessing.

Jilly’s dying words rang in my ears. Make sure you come first, above all else.

I forced bravery into my stare, and it was a hard thing to accomplish. It’d be so easy to just say okay. To deal with my own doubts. But I couldn’t. I’d promised Jilly. “I just can’t give it to you right now, Brax. I just … need time. To sort things through.”

The pain in his eyes rocked me, and he nodded, looked away. “All right.” His voice was hoarse. “That’s fair. I can give you time.” He squeezed my hand, but didn’t look at me.

He didn’t understand, though. I knew he didn’t. I barely understood myself. And I wasn’t going to fill his head with a load of crap, with explanations and empty reasons why I couldn’t just give him another chance. “Thank you for being here for me during all this. It meant a lot to me. To my family.”

Again he nodded, and this time he looked at me. The hurt in his eyes almost unraveled me. “You have a great family, Gracie. I’m glad I got to meet them. Jilly especially.”

The thought crossed my mind about Jilly’s private meeting with Brax. “What did he say to you?”

A somber smile touched Brax’s mouth, and he let me hand go. “Sorry, Sunshine. That one stays with me. For now.”

We stayed at the ranch for two more days and helped Mom, Seth, Kyle and Jace with, well, everything. Brax was up at the crack of dawn each day, chopping wood, helping feed the horses, and he even helped Mom give a few vaccinations. He was still charming, miraculously watched his Boston potty mouth, but a change had come over him, ever since that night of confessions in the loft. Ever since I’d denied him a second chance. He kept his distance, for the most part. There beside me, yet not really. I chose not to share with my family what had transpired between Brax and Mr. Evans. My mom and brothers had suffered enough my senior year. I wouldn’t drag all that hell back up and them through it.

When we left the ranch, Brax hugged my mother goodbye, shook my brothers’ hands. No one suspected that I’d just hurt him. At least, I didn’t think they did. I hadn’t wanted to hurt him. My heart had begged me to change my mind. But my brain had decided not to ever be stupid again. And I’d listened.

The ride home wasn’t completely uncomfortable. There was no hand holding, no random brush of Brax’s knuckles against my skin, and no in-depth stares from eyes that no doubt would always haunt me. When we reached my dorm, he parked my truck, and walked me to the door. There he surprised me, and even with girls going in and out of the dorm, he kissed me on the cheek, and then said goodbye.

As I watched him jog across the parking lot and out of sight, my heart sank. I’d made this choice, this smart, highly intelligent decision of self-preservation. I had no idea what the future held as far as Brax and I were concerned; I only had control over myself. And it was there, standing in the lobby of Oliver Hall, that I decided not to waste a single second trying to decipher my own decisions, and whether they’d been the right ones. I had a semester to finish. Not just finish, but excel at. After all that had happened—Mr. Evans’ threat to destroy my life at Winston, my broken heart, and Jilly’s unexpected death—I had a lot of ground to cover.