Star Struck(BBW Rocker Romance)(58)

“So…did you break up with her? I mean officially?” Mandy had to ask, hating herself for being hopeful – even though she hadn’t heard anything in the news about anything. Ethan’s next words told her why.

He shook his head. “Just like the last time we broke up, she pleaded with me to wait. Keep the news under wraps till the tour was over. I told her I’d think about it.”

Mandy sighed deeply. “I wish I told you about the confrontation I had with her.”

Ethan seemed to bristle. “Zuriel had her own agenda, but she was no guiltier than Davey or the rest of the band. I hated that my relationship with you had to be the scapegoat for everyone’s grand plan. No one was ever really looking out for me.”

“I have nothing to say that would make everything right,” Mandy said achingly, head bowed as she wrung her fingers. “All you ever did was show me you cared and I chose the easy way out. I let you down. Part of me wishes I can stay away. That I could walk back out right now. But it’s impossible. I have nowhere to go. I’ve been lost without you…barely surviving when the air I needed to breathe was far out of my reach. Even now I want so badly to touch you…to place my hands in yours. But I feel so unworthy.”

She still couldn’t look at him, her lashes soaked with tears she prayed wouldn’t fall to her cheeks. “I said the meanest things. They weren’t true, especially when I said you’d never be the type of man I could be with. The truth was, I felt like I couldn’t be the type of woman you truly wanted. That one day you’ll wake up and wonder what the heck you ever saw in me.”

“Like that could ever happen,” Ethan huffed under his breath.

Mandy’s head snapped up, liquid pain shimmering in her eyes as he finally held her gaze. His boyish smile of self-deprecation was there, tormenting her further when she thought about how much agony she must have caused him.

“It was never about how you looked or even the different lifestyles we led. It was how I felt around you. Sometimes it was hard to describe, but I never forgot how happy it made me. Completed me. I know I still had a long way to go when it came to the emotions department but with you, I was sure I never had to look over my shoulder or ask myself if what I felt was wrong. You took that away and damned me to the coldest abyss on earth. And now you’re here. Maybe now you think you’re ready, huh?”

Chilled by the bitterness in his tone, Mandy nodded tearfully. “I know. Too late.” She took a painfully tight breath, knowing she should leave. There was nothing left to fight for. Ethan wouldn’t be human if he didn’t have his pride and self-preservation to think about.

“This was a mistake,” she admitted. “But I still want one more chance.”

Ethan shook his head, but she wasn’t sure if he was refusing or simply wondering at her nerve. Letting him go had been crazy enough. Her sisters still hadn’t forgiven her for breaking his heart. Even Marcus had believed she needed to give it another try, and that’s why he’d agreed to drive her down to this hotel. He’d offered to wait just to make sure how things went, but she assured him she’d be fine. She felt far from fine now, waiting breathlessly for Ethan’s next words.

“How do I even start to give you that?” he asked. Mandy wanted to moan at the sight of him, shirtless and lean beneath his unbuttoned jacket; every tattoo, every sinew begging to be kissed.

“I don’t know. Take me on tour with you. I’m about to resign from Jessica Charles. I’ll be freelance. Doing my thing while you play at your gigs. I just want – need – to be close to you.”

“Nothing’s going to change, Mandy. There’ll still be gossip, the speculating public, the paparazzi sniffing around. The crazy rock star life I lead hasn’t changed much since you decided to choose pride over my heart.”

Mandy winced. He was right. She’d been too proud, trying to prove everything about herself except what mattered most…how much she loved him.

“You don’t have to take me back. Just please don’t send me away.” She blinked hard and the blinding tears streamed down to her chin.

She heard Ethan swear harshly. Then he cupped her face, his thumbs brushing the wetness from her cheeks. His touch had her shivering, longing for more.

He rested his temple against hers, drawing in a harsh breath. “The first time I ever felt pain close to the one you caused me was when my parents died. I was nothing more than a little kid, and I didn’t understand why I could never see them again. I waited and waited each day to see just one face I adored, but all I got were strangers to take their place. Losing them both to a car crash made me afraid to let anyone in again. But then came Robert and a ready-made family who took me in without a second thought. I had to learn my strength and start to understand human bonds again. I never felt I could ever believe I deserved to be happy till I walked into Jessica’s office and saw you standing there that first time. The need to possess you was stronger than my need for the next breath. And it got steadily greater each passing day: the need. I think you should know…it never stopped growing.”