Something Wild(30)

"I guess Martin never returned your calls or you'd have mentioned it," he said as she settled into his arms.

"No, he didn't, and I don't understand why. But I suppose that doesn't matter now."

"Why not?"

"He'll be home tomorrow," she said. "So maybe I was meant to tell him face-to-face."

As his body tensed beneath her, she gazed down at him in the darkened  room, lit only by the glow from the city below gleaming through the  large window. She couldn't make out his expression, but she sensed his  surprise at the reminder and her chest tightened.

Just then, the phone rang across the room. Ryan made no move to get it,  so they both lay there, listening as the answering machine picked up.

"Hello, Ryan, it's your mother. I'm calling with some good news about  Dan. I ran into Ellen Winston at the beauty parlor and she let out a  secret-the alumni association at the high school is planning to give  your brother a lifetime achievement award this fall! He'll be the  youngest recipient in the school's history! Be sure not to breathe a  word, though, since it'll be a surprise at the alumni banquet. Call me  and I'll fill you in on the details. Bye." The answering machine went  quiet before clicking off.                       
       
           



       

Penny heard Ryan's sigh beneath her and they started talking at the same time.

"Ryan, they-"

"I hate to-"

They both stopped.

"You first," she said.

She heard him take a deep breath. The room seemed too quiet. She waited,  but he didn't reply, although his heartbeat sped up beneath her palm.

"What is it?" she whispered.

"I was just thinking," he began, "that maybe we should, uh  …  take a little break from each other."

A huge knot formed in her stomach.

"Since Martin's coming back tomorrow," he went on. "Just until you get a  chance to talk to him and we see how it goes. You know?"

Penny's breath felt shaky and she inhaled, then exhaled, trying to  smooth it out. This is a fling. Just a fling. At least that's what it is  to him. She had to remember that and deal with it. She had to forget  the love pounding in her chest and seeping through her pores.

"Yeah," she finally said. "That would probably make sense." As much as  she hated it, it did make sense because Martin could show up at her  place, or see them out somewhere together, and neither she nor Ryan  wanted him to find out what'd been going on. It had been easy to push  aside thoughts of Martin while he was away, but she didn't want to hurt  him, had never wanted to hurt him. And she did need time to deal with  how she was going to say no to Martin's proposal. So it made perfect  sense.

Only the thought of being apart from Ryan broke her heart.

So much for loving Ryan. And so much for an invitation into his life.  Instead, the night had turned into an invitation out of it.





* * *





9



Ryan had known Martin was due back a week after he'd left, of course,  but somehow it hadn't quite sunk in that it was now. Penny's words,  "He'll be home tomorrow," had been like a cold glass of water splashing  him in the face. A wake-up call. A huge sign that read, Think About Your  Future, bashing him over the head. The timing of his mother's phone  message hadn't helped, either.

He only wished he didn't see the hurt in Penny's eyes. "I have plenty to  stay busy with," he went on, anxious to fill the sudden void. Funny how  shared silence could be so nice one minute, yet so awkward the next.  "As I said, the food order part of the system will be the most  time-consuming on my end. So let's plan on, uh, not getting together in  the afternoons until you hear from me, okay?"

"Okay," she said. But her voice was far too soft and it made his heart clench.

This was it, that moment he'd dreaded, the moment where he hurt her.

He wished he could do something to stop what was happening. But when he  realized Martin would really be back tomorrow, back in her life and back  in his, he knew the fantasies were over, at least for a while.

He didn't know what else to say and wished he'd been better prepared and  realized Martin's return was coming so fast. Her body had gone rigid in  his arms, and he gently stroked her soft shoulders, hoping somehow to  soothe her, to let her know this wasn't how he really wanted things.

Then he realized he could tell her that, in the hopes it would help. It  was something anyway. "This isn't how I want things to be, Penny. You  know that, don't you? You know I wish things were different."

"Of course."

He sensed how strong and agreeable she was trying to be, but heard the underlying sadness in her voice just the same.

He squeezed her tight, just wanting to feel her, and let her know he  cared. This was hard for him, too. When he lifted slightly to kiss her  forehead, she pulled away.

She was off the couch, free of his embrace, before he even knew what'd hit him.

"Penny, where are-" The lamp she turned on blinded him and he held a  hand up to shield his eyes, squinting at her as she moved through the  living room. She held her big navy towel closed as she stooped to snatch  up the clothes she'd shed earlier before even making it to the bed.

"I'm gonna head home," she said without looking at him, obviously  struggling to sound casual as she slid her panties on without dropping  the towel.

"Penny-" he rose on one elbow to look at her "-you don't have to go."

Letting the towel fall to her feet, she kept her back to him as she hooked her bra and slid the straps onto her shoulders.

"I know," she said, turning to face him as she reached for her shorts.  She forced a smile, trying her best to look pleasant. "But I'm tired and  it's late and  …  well, maybe it's best, all things considered."

Ryan sighed and got to his feet, fastening his towel at his waist as he neared her.

She pulled her T-shirt over her head.

Stopping in front of her, he ran a hand through his hair and felt like  the ass of the century. "I really know how to ruin a nice evening, don't  I?"                       
       
           



       

"You didn't ruin it." She shook her head insistently. "And I understand.  You're right about this." Rising up on her tiptoes, Penny kissed his  cheek, then moved past him toward the door, grabbing her purse on the  way.

Ryan followed, thinking he should do something, not let her leave this  way, but no words of protest ever left his mouth, and within seconds,  Penny was disappearing out his door and up the hall toward the elevator.

He stood in the doorway after she'd gone, realizing he hadn't even said  goodbye. An enormous emptiness washed through him when he heard the  elevator ding around the corner, when he knew he'd really let her leave  without doing a damn thing to prevent it.

But he'd known it would come to this. He'd known it would have to. And surely she had, too, hadn't she?

Shaking his head in regret, he stepped back inside and shut the door.  This would all be okay in the end. It would have to be, because he'd had  no other choice. And it wasn't as if he'd told her he didn't want to be  with her or thrown her out on the street. He'd just made a move that  seemed sensible for them both.

And as for what this weekend would be like without her, well, it would  be like all the other weekends he'd ever spent without her-no big deal.  He was a self-reliant guy, the type who didn't mind moving to a strange  city without any friends, who liked people but didn't tend to get deeply  attached.

So why couldn't he remember a moment when he'd ever felt so lonely?

* * *

Ryan spent most of Saturday at Schuster Systems, working on the Two  Sisters project. He no longer used Martin's office, not just because his  own computer had arrived, but because Martin was his boss, the corner  office belonged to him, and Ryan wanted to make damn sure he remembered  that. Squeezing himself into his own matchbox-size office seemed a good  way to get the idea through his head once and for all.

If you wanted to go places in a company, you started at the bottom and  paid your dues. And you followed the rules, both the written and  unwritten ones, specifically, Don't have sex with the woman the boss  wants to marry and Don't keep doing it over and over. Ryan was going to  start paying attention to the pecking order here, staying in his place  and keeping his nose to the grindstone, being that "good boy" he'd once  told Penny he'd come here to be.

He sank into the work for long stretches and let it remind him how much  he loved what he did. He was a damn good system designer and it always  showed in the finished product. It also temporarily got his mind off of  her.

Of course, all that changed every time he stopped to go to the bathroom  or get something to drink from the kitchen, as he was doing now. He  stood before a snack machine perusing chocolate bars and, not  surprisingly, they automatically turned his mind to Penny. But then, so  did a lot of other things these days. Limousines, bathtubs, bras. Feet,  for God's sake! And now chocolate. Finally deciding the thought of  chocolate without her underneath it sounded unbearable, he chose  peanut-butter crackers instead.