Some Sort of Crazy(29)

We went out on the wraparound porch, and I pulled the front door shut behind us, making sure it was unlocked. To our right was a swing, which was probably not what she needed right now, and to our left were a few wooden chairs.

“Want to sit?” I gestured to the chairs, and she nodded. I sat next to her but didn’t say anything right away. I wondered what she wanted to hear—should I ask what happened? Should I just wait for her to spill? Should I apologize for turning her down? She understood why I had to, didn’t she?

Finally she spoke. “I’m sorry. This was such a bad idea.”

“It’s OK.”

“No, it’s not. I put you in a really bad position.”

I paused. “Actually you had me in some really nice positions.”

She slapped my wrist lightly, but she smiled a familiar smile, and I felt infinitely better. “You know what I mean.”

I nodded. “I do. And I will probably regret my decision for the rest of my life, especially if you get back together with the Douchebag tomorrow. I’m running out of chances with you.”

She tilted her head. “What do you mean?”

“Well, tonight. And then…” I looked out across the orchard toward her parents’ house. “That night before I left for school. I wanted to—whatever, but I didn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because you were with Dan, and even if we had—” I struggled to find words.

“Whatevered,” she supplied.

“Right. Even if we had whatevered, I felt like you’d have regretted it and our friendship would have suffered. And our friendship was important to me. So I forced myself to leave you alone.” I laughed a little at the way things had come full circle. “It’s funny, I remember coming back home and sitting right here on this porch, wondering if I was an idiot or a gentleman.”

She took a sip of coffee, holding the cup in both hands. “And tonight?”

I smiled wryly. “Exactly the same.”

“Well, I think you’re a gentleman.”

“Aha. See?” I pointed at her. “You agree that it would have been a mistake. You’d have been sorry tomorrow. I was right.”

“I’m not saying that,” she said defensively. “I’m just telling you that you’re a gentleman, not an idiot. I’m the idiot, coming here and throwing myself at you.” Her cheeks flushed scarlet, and she rolled her eyes. “God.”

“Natalie.” I put my hand on her arm. “Many women have trouble controlling their sexual urges around me. You need not be ashamed.”

She groaned. “Promise you’re not going to make fun of me for this the rest of our lives.”

“No way. I’m not that big a gentleman.”

Her face went pale. “But you can’t tell anyone about this.”

“Sure I can. But I won’t. In return, you tell me what the fuck happened tonight that made you lose your marbles.”

She sighed and looked across the fields toward her childhood home. “Dan wants time apart. Either that or we broke up. I’m not sure.”

“What? Why?”

“He said he wants a break. He said it would be good for us to see who we are when we’re not a couple.” She sipped her coffee. “He said we should be free to see other people and do what we want for a while before we get married.”

I blinked. That was so fucked up. He had her, and he wanted other girls?

“I lied to you yesterday when I said things were great sexually between us. They’re not.” She stared into her coffee. “He doesn’t seem to want me like that anymore, yet he says he still loves me. He…he cheated on me last night. And I think he’s done it before.”

Furious, I clenched my fists in my lap. “God, I’d like to punch that asshole right now. If he wanted other girls all this time, he should have said something and you guys should’ve broken up a long time ago. That’s the thing about having a girlfriend—you don’t get to fuck other girls. He doesn’t get to have it both ways.” Maybe my anger was hypocritical, since I’d been with girls who had boyfriends before, but goddammit, this was twice now I’d refrained from touching Natalie the way I wanted to, the way every bone in my body was aching to. OK, so I wasn’t exactly doing it for him, but he was a tangential reason why I wasn’t fucking her right this minute, and I was livid about it.

“He’s not asking for both ways.” Natalie bristled a little. “That’s why he asked for the break.”

“You’re defending him now?” It came out louder than I’d intended, but I couldn’t help it. I could write a fucking encyclopedia about all the ways he didn’t deserve her.