Soldier at the Door(219)
“Not my fault? Well, good. That simplifies everything. Now, what could it be that has my wife so worked up tonight?” he said easily. “Another man she has hidden in the cellar? Spent all our savings on silk underclothes for Jaytsy? Sold Peto to the Administrators?”
“Perrin, just never mind. I don’t really want to talk about it.”
He paused. “By that do you mean, ‘I really do want to talk about it, but I need you to convince me that I do,’ or ‘I really don’t want to talk about it’?”
She sighed.
“And . . . no answer,” he said, realizing he had yet another mystery on his hands. “You think after more than three years of marriage I’d understand you better.”
“That’s because I don’t even understand myself,” she whispered. “I thought I did. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, but now I realize . . .” She stopped, unable to say the words.
But something else also concerned her. “Perrin, does it ever bother you that people know you?”
“Know me?” He sounded puzzled. “What do you mean?”
“That people you don’t even know, know who you are. They see you and the uniform and automatically know, ‘That’s Perrin Shin’.”
“I don’t know,” he shrugged in the shadows. “I never thought about it. People have always known me. When you’re the only grandson of the High General of Idumea, and then the only son of the next High General, you tend to stick out.”
“And that doesn’t bother you?” she asked earnestly. “Complete strangers may know a lot about you, and you don’t even know their names? Don’t you feel vulnerable?”
He patted his sword next to his side. “I’ve always been armed, even when I was a boy. Long knife at age seven. But I also never felt any danger. Honestly, it never occurred to me.”
That was when Mahrree realized just how courageous—completely and utterly—her husband was, and always had been. He had gone into the forest—a few times—and even stayed there to fight men with daggers who tried to kill him. All she faced was a nasty woman with condescending demeanor who tried to hurt her feelings and sense of security.
Oh, how terrifying.
Her insides twisted to remember that she ever thought Perrin to be a coward.
“What’s this all about?” he said gently.
She didn’t deserve his tenderness, and she sighed before saying, “Perrin, I wrote another letter, after that third one.”
“So . . .” he exhaled, “you got another form letter? A fourth to add to your collection?”
“I did, a while ago actually, but I’m not upset about that. To be honest, Perrin, I’m quite glad now. I don’t know what I was thinking, that they would send me a letter back saying, ‘Mrs. Shin, you’re right! How could we have not recognized the wisdom of your words? You are indeed a brilliant woman, and we’re so grateful that you wrote to inform us of our failings!’”
Perrin chuckled, but stopped when he realized she wasn’t being facetious.
“For some reason, Perrin—” although she knew the reason, she wasn’t about to tell him that, “I suddenly feel very vulnerable. Being married to you, I realize now that people know me. I doubt they know anything else besides the fact that I’m your wife, but complete strangers know who I am. I started thinking about the Administrators and realized, I do NOT want any of them to know me! Why would I want that attention?! What would I say if I were to run into one of them face-to-face? My words might be taken the wrong way!”
She was nearly hysterical, gesturing maniacally with the grooming brush.
“My spouting off might actually alarm someone who doesn’t realize I’m only a little woman in a little village who means nothing! I could cause trouble! I could bring harm to our children! To you! What did I want?!”
Perrin nodded slowly as he drew her close to him.
“I’ll always protect you, Mahrree. You don’t have to worry about that. I’ve kept you safe before, and I always will. I understand that you feel vulnerable, but honestly, no one would recognize you in a crowd.”
“Are you absolutely sure?!”
“Just never stand next to me in a crowd, and I’m sure!”
She remained tense, and he held her tighter.
“Tell you what, here’s how to remain in the shadows where you’re safe. Write no more letters to Idumea—”
She nodded rapidly in agreement, and he smiled in relief.
“Don’t upset Mr. Hegek, although that’s rather difficult since he’s as skittish as a mouse that’s been sighted by Barker—”