Soldier at the Door(217)
For once in her life she was grateful to see the ugly beast. She dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms around the dog, not caring that he was dripping drool on her shoulder as he panted happily to see her.
“I don’t believe it! You were in the forest? Was that you, all the time, scaring the soldiers? Oh, Perrin’s going to kill you! Not really,” she assured the dog as she pet him for the first time in many moons. Her hands ran across all kinds of prickly pokey things, and along something else mucky that smelled fouler than nature should. She kept reminding herself she could wash up with lavender soap when she got home, maybe even use up the entire bar.
“It wasn’t only you, was it?” she whispered, clinging to the animal while her heart calmed down again. “There are more, aren’t there?” She slumped down realizing, again, that the woman was right about her. “I found the hard truth, Barker, and it’s this: I really don’t want to know the truth.” She sighed miserably and stood up. “Come on. Walk the most cowardly, stupid woman in the world home.”
It was well past midnight when Mahrree knocked rhythmically on her front door. She did it two more times to wake up Sareen, who eventually opened the door and yawned a giggle. It was a remarkable thing to witness, and Mahrree hoped she’d never witness it again.
“Sorry, Miss Mahrree. Guess I did fall asleep. Shem was right. Wonderful pillow!”
“Oh, I’m the one who’s sorry, keeping you out so late,” Mahrree said with feigned brightness as she stepped into the house. At least it was dark enough that Sareen couldn’t see Mahrree’s puffy red eyes. “I fell asleep myself at my mother’s, and . . .”
She was just one lie after another. Merely a silly little woman with silly little ideas that amounted to nothing. She felt heavy with her worthlessness.
Barker trotted and headed straight for the kitchen.
Sareen waved her hand under her nose. “I see, or rather smell, that you found Barker.”
“Uh, yes,” Mahrree said slowly, hoping she wouldn’t have to explain how. “You know, it’s so late, maybe you should stay here tonight, Sareen.”
The poor girl giggled again. “My mother will be expecting me to check in tonight, so I best go. Besides, should Corporal Zenos come by—”
Mahrree had to do at least one right and honest thing that night, or the weight of her guilt would sink her through the wood floor to the cellar.
“Sareen,” she took her firmly by the arm, “I’m so sorry, but Corporal Zenos just isn’t interested in . . . having a girlfriend. I don’t know that he will for a very long time.”
Sareen’s persistently cheery glow dimmed. “I know that, Miss Mahrree,” she said with uncharacteristic soberness. Not even a serious giggle accompanied her grave tone. “I know he’s only being polite to me, and that if isn’t attracted to me yet, he likely never will be.”
Mahrree didn’t expect any of that. “So you understand that?”
“I’m not stupid, Miss Mahrree. I may not be at the college at Mountseen like Teeria and Hitty, but I do know a thing or two.”
Even though she’d been a woman for over thirty years now, Mahrree still didn’t understand females. “So Sareen, why do you keep trying? Keep talking about him?”
“The truth’s hard to live with, Miss Mahrree,” she said with a sad smile.
Mahrree’s throat developed an enormous lump, otherwise she would have said, Don’t I know it.
“I’d rather keep the little dream alive.” But she shrugged in discouragement as she watched her fingers twist a part of her skirt. “Just in case he . . . changes his mind and surprises me one day.”
Mahrree was completely baffled. “But Sareen, I just told you, and you admitted that you know—”
“He could change his mind!” Sareen insisted, her head snapping back up to face her former teacher. “Suddenly one morning he could wake up, realize he’s lonely, look around and see me there, that I’ve always been there, waiting and hoping. And then he’ll realize how much he wants me, and . . .”
Her chin trembled until a giggle—hard and determined—forced its way out.
“And then we’ll just see!”
I’m just like her, Mahrree thought dismally. I know the truth is out there, but I’d much rather live with the lies I’ve created for myself. Lies such as, I’m a smart, brave woman willing to do whatever it takes to uncover the secrets and find the truth.
But we want to see the blue in the sky—Mahrree had to admit to herself—despite all evidence to the contrary.