Slow Burn Cowboy(93)
She could only stand there, looking at him, feeling like the earth was breaking to pieces beneath her feet. “Why did you—”
“I wanted to at least see it coming.” He lowered his head, shaking it slowly. “I was such an idiot. For a long time. And afraid. I think it’s impossible to go through tragedy like I did, like we did, and not have it change you. I’m not sure it’s even possible to escape it doing so much as defining you. But you can choose how. It was so easy for me to see how you protected yourself. How you shielded yourself. But I didn’t see that I was doing the same thing.”
“I didn’t know,” she said, feeling stupid. Feeling blind.
“Because I didn’t tell you.” He reached up, drawing his thumb over her cheekbone, his expression so empty, so sad. Another side of Chase she hadn’t seen very often. But it was there. It had always been there, she realized that now. “But I’m telling you now. I’m scared. I’ve been scared for a long time. And I’ve made a lot of promises to ghosts to try to atone for stupid things I said when my parents were alive. But I’ve been too afraid to make promises to the people that are actually still in my life. Too afraid to love the people that are still here. It’s easier to make promises to ghosts, Anna. I’m done with that.
“You are here,” he said, cupping her face now, holding her steady. “You’re with me. And I can have you as long as I’m not too big an idiot. As long as you still want to have me. You put yourself out there for me, and I rejected you. I’m so sorry. I know what that cost you, Anna, because I know you. And please understand I didn’t reject you because it wasn’t enough. Because you weren’t enough. It’s because you were too much, and I wasn’t enough. But I’m going to do my best to be enough for you now. Now and forever.”
She could hardly believe what she was hearing, could hardly believe that Chase was standing there making declarations to her. The kind that sounded an awful lot like love. The kind that sounded an awful lot like exactly what she wanted to hear. “Is this because I’m wearing a dress?”
“No.” He chuckled. “You could be wearing coveralls. You could be wearing nothing. Actually, I think I like you best in nothing. But whatever you’re wearing, it wouldn’t change this. It wouldn’t change how I feel. Because I love you in every possible way. As my friend, as my lover. I love you in whatever you wear, a ball gown or engine grease. I love you working on tractors and trying to explain to me how an engine works and watching musicals.”
“But do you love my porcupine pajamas?” she asked, her voice breaking.
“I’m pretty ambivalent about your porcupine pajamas, I’m not going to lie. But if they’re a nonnegotiable part of the deal, then I can adjust.”
She shook her head. “They aren’t nonnegotiable. But I probably will irritate you with them.” Then she sobbed, unable to hold her emotions back any longer. She wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in his skin, breathing his scent in. “Chase, I love you so much. Look what we were protecting ourselves from.”
He laughed. “When you put it that way, it seems like we were being pretty stupid.”
“Fear is stupid. And it’s strong.”
He tightened his hold on her. “It isn’t stronger than this.”
Not stronger than fifteen years of friendship, than holding each other through grief and pleasure, laughter and pain.
When she had pulled up and seen his truck here, Anna Brown had murder on her mind. And now, everything was different.
“Remember when you promised you were going to make me a woman?” she asked.
“Right. I do. You laughed at me.”
“Yes, I did.” She stretched up on her toes and kissed his lips. “Chase McCormack, I’m pretty sure you did make me a woman. Maybe not in the way you meant. But you made me feel...like a whole person. Like I could finally put together all the parts of me and just be me. Not hide any of it anymore.”
He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead against hers. “I’m glad, Anna. Because you sure as hell made me a man. The man that I want to be, the man that I need to be. I can’t change the past, and I can’t live in it anymore, either.”
“Good. Then I think we should go ahead and make ourselves a future.”
“Works for me.” He smiled. “I love you. You’re everything.”
“I love you, too.” It felt so good to say that. To say it and not be afraid. To show her whole heart and not hold anything back.
“I bet that I can make you say you love me at least a hundred more times tonight. I bet I can get you to say it every day for the rest of our lives.”
She smiled, taking his hand and walking toward the house, not caring about the rain. “I bet you can.”
He led her inside, leaving a trail of clothes in the hall behind them, leaving her beautiful dress on the floor. She didn’t care at all.
“And I bet—” he wrapped his arm around her waist, then laid her down on the bed “—tonight I can make you scream.”
“I’ll take that bet,” she said, wrapping her legs around his hips.
And that was a bet they both won.
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