Slow Burn Cowboy(25)

“So, then what is going on?” he asked, placing his fingertips lightly on the countertop and dragging them over the smooth surface as he moved toward her. “Some guy break your heart?”

“My heart is cast in iron,” she said, trying to keep her tone flippant. But he could see that she was on edge. Good. He wanted her over the edge. He was going to keep pushing until she had to admit that there was something going on. Something happening between them. Until she stopped resolutely living in Laneland where everything was rainbows and he was sexless, while he lived in the real world dealing with the aftermath of this explosion between them.

He had been prepared to walk in and have her scream at him, but he could not allow her to ignore him.

“Good to know. Are your panties also made of iron? Or are you sleeping with some guy and it’s gone haywire and that’s why you’re in a mood?”

She scowled, her brows locking together. “You jackass. That’s none of your business.”

“Sure it is, Lane. We’re friends. Don’t friends talk about things like that? If some guy is messing you up, don’t I have a right to know?”

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“Am I? Because you’re acting strange. And Mark thinks so too. He wanted to know what was up, and so do I.”

She snorted. “News flash, Finn, Mark can ask me what he wants, but you’re not my brother.”

She tried to brush past him, and he reached out, grabbing hold of her arm and stopping her. He lifted it, drawing her toward him. There was something rushing through him that transcended anger. Something reckless and hot, something that had done away with his self-control completely.

He knew exactly what it was. But he didn’t want to put a name to it. Not now. Not when there was no point at all in assigning an identity to this roaring need inside of him that would never be satisfied. Not until she was naked. Not until he was buried inside of her and she was crying out his name.

He didn’t want that. Even as he needed it with a ferocity that made his whole being ache, he didn’t want it. Because it would change everything they were. But at the same time he didn’t know if he had the strength to go back to acting like everything was the same. Like being near her when he wanted to reach out and touch her was easy. Like the pull between them was nothing.

His life was slowly being wrenched from his control. Like the fist he’d closed around it years ago was being pried open and he was losing his hold bit by bit.

This was part of it. She was part of it.

“I know perfectly well that I’m not your brother,” he said. He could feel her pulse racing in the underside of her wrist, could feel the way he affected her. Maybe it was their closeness, maybe it was the shared memory of the kiss. Maybe he had succeeded in making his best friend fear him.

He had never felt lower than he did at that moment. But he still couldn’t bring himself to release his hold on her.

“Then stop meddling,” she said, the words sounding like they had come at great cost, each syllable bitten out with purpose.

“Now you’re going to pretend that I’m acting brotherly? Come on, Lane. I’ve seen people pretty committed to their fictions, but you win right now. We both know I’m not your brother. We both know you feel a lot different about me than you do about him.”

She shook her head, her eyes wide. “I don’t,” she said, “so whatever you have in your head, whatever crazy thing possessed you to do what you did last night...”

He released his hold on her and took a step back. “Are you ready to talk about that now?” he asked, knowing he sounded pissed. Not really caring.

Her cheeks were flushed dark red, anger shimmering around her in a wave. “We have to,” she bit out, “don’t we? You wouldn’t let me put our friendship back the way it should be. Why wouldn’t you let me fix it? You know that I hate this. You know that I don’t want it. I don’t want this between us. I need you, Finn. I need you right now, maybe more than I ever have, and you’re ruining it.”

“You were going to pretend that it didn’t happen.”

“You know why.” she hissed. “I need a friend. I don’t need another guy I could date. Those guys are a dime a dozen here. But you’re the only Finn I have.”

“Yeah,” he said, “I know. It’s what I told myself about you all this time. Even as I was on my way to your house tonight. What I told myself every time I thought about kissing you, in fact. But I need you. Did you ever think of that? You keep talking about going through a hard time, but I haven’t seen any evidence of that. I’m not doubting you, not necessarily, but you know what I’m going through. You can see it. I can’t... I can’t keep being pulled every which way. I can’t be there for you all the time while I push aside what I want.”

Her throat worked, angry tears glittering in her eyes. “So you want to throw away what we have because you want sex?”

The words hit hard and twisted inside of him, made him feel guilty when nothing else so far had. “That’s not it.” It wasn’t, but he couldn’t figure out quite how to articulate it. “I just can’t hold it all anymore,” he said simply, finally.

“And our friendship is such a burden?”

“No. Our friendship is one of the best things in my life. You have been one of the best things in my life for more than ten years now, Lane Jensen. But pretending I don’t want you? When I fulfill what you want me to... I can’t hold on to that while I try and balance all of this other stuff.”

She shook her head. “I don’t... What does that even mean? I can’t even deal with the answer. Never mind. I don’t want to know.”

“I’ll tell you what it means. Right now? If you really want to take care of me I need more than casserole.”

He felt like a dick. There were no two ways about it. He was a dick. But he wasn’t sure if there was anything he could do to stop himself. To stop this. It was ten years in the making.

Hell, at this point he didn’t know whose side he was on. Whether or not he wanted her to win, with her logic, her desperate need to protect the friendship at all costs. Or whether he wanted his body to win.

Mostly because he had no idea what he was doing. He had rationalized his way out of taking this step a thousand times before. And the reasons still stood. It was his resolve that had crumbled.

Looking at her hurt. All the way down deep. The desire that he felt for her was a yawning, aching void that he knew couldn’t be filled by anyone or anything else, because God knew he had tried.

He had slept with any number of other women since he had met Lane. None of them had taken the edge off. Sure, sometimes it was enough to allow him to ignore his desire for her for a while. But it always came back. And the moment he found himself checking out Lane instead of the woman he was supposed to be sleeping with, he broke things off.

And even if he was in another relationship, he hated every man that passed through Lane’s life. Every man she took to her bed. Thinking about it made him rage. Gave everything he did an edge of violence that he had never wanted to explain or deal with.

It didn’t make sense. And it wasn’t fair. To want his friend physically the way that he did, while knowing it could never be romantic.

While knowing it would never be permanent.

He had always known that Lane needed more than that. More than sex with friendship on the side. And he had always valued her too much to ask for that. But he had reached the end of it. The end of himself.

And if he blew their friendship all to hell, then maybe it was best to deal with it now. While the rest of his life was similarly destroyed. While everything else was basically the worst it had ever been outside of his shitty childhood.

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this,” she said. “Because you’re sad that your grandpa died? What do you think Callum would say if he knew that you were propositioning me? He would slap you upside your head. He would tell you that’s no way to talk to a lady.”

“Yes,” Finn said. “You’re right. But he’s not here. The bastard died. And as his last act, he decided to take everything I worked for and I can’t even yell at him about it. He’s gone, like everyone else in my life.”

“Except for your brothers. And, if you don’t push me away, I’m here too. But is that what you’re doing? You just want everyone to go away and leave you alone in your misery? And you knew the best way to do that with me would be to kiss me?”

“No, that’s not it at all. It might be a good theory, but only if you didn’t want me to.”

Lane drew back as though she had been slapped. “I don’t.”

“That’s why you were looking at me like you did down by the lake last week?”

Her eyes were shimmering now, anger visible across her cheeks in slashes of red. “I ignore those moments,” she said, her voice trembling. “And I was willing to ignore the kiss too. Dammit, Finn.”

“If you want it, why is it a bad thing?”

“I want a lot of bad things. And I’ve had a lot of bad things. For example, I had French fries for lunch. That was a bad thing. It’s not good for you. You shouldn’t eat them. They’re too starchy, and there’s too much oil. I’m not getting any younger. I’m close to thirty. I need to order side salads. And I need to say no to this too.”