Shadow (New Species #9)(20)

He closed his eyes and turned his head to the side to rest his forehead against his inner arm, frustration pretty clear on his face.
“I’m trying to understand,” she explained softly. “It’s not my fault I was kept away from Species men and don’t know that much about you.”
His head snapped back in her direction, his eyes opening. “I’m male, not a man.”
“I told you, I’m working on the language thing.”
“You did.” He released the doorframe and took a few hesitant steps forward as his hands lowered to his sides.
She didn’t retreat, though part of her wanted to. He was big and mostly naked but it was Shadow. It surprised her when he suddenly dropped to his knees before her, making their faces almost the same height. He stared deeply into her eyes as he gently encased her hips within his grasp. She had no words despite wanting to know what he was doing.
“I’ll explain,” he rasped.
She nodded, refusing to look away from him.
“You’re mine to protect. I know in my mind that you don’t belong to me but my impulses say otherwise. Another male got too close and I know what he could have done to you. It makes me kind of crazy inside.”
“What do you think he would have done to me?”
One blond eyebrow arched. “Are you sure you want the truth?”
She nodded sharply.
“He would have stripped you bare and seduced you. He would have mounted you when you were willing to accept him.” His voice deepened. “He would have turned you around and taken you from behind. That means sex.”
“Breeze said to tell a man to take me facing him because of my past.”
He paled slightly. “Why?”
“That’s what…” She paused, remembering he hated the term “master”. “The asshole did to me. He always took me from behind so he didn’t have to look at me and know it caused me pain.”
Shadow hung his head until his forehead almost rested against the top of her nightgown. His hot breath fanned through the thin material right between her breasts. She only hesitated for a second before reaching up and lightly brushing her fingers through his short hair.
“How did it hurt?” His tone was gruff.
“I don’t understand.”
He kept his head down. “Was it just because you’re small and him being inside you was painful or was it because you didn’t want him and weren’t wet?”
He was blunt enough to stun her. She wanted to be as honest with him. “I don’t know. I didn’t want him to do that and it just hurt.”
He released her hip with one hand and slid an arm around her waist, holding her. “Did it ever feel good? Even once?” 
“No.” Maybe there was something wrong with her. She hadn’t considered that until this moment.
He finally lifted his head and she stared into his eyes again. “Never?”
“No.”
“Did he caress you? You said he never kissed you. Did he attempt to arouse you?”
“He would grab my hips and tell me to hold still. That’s all.”
Anger flashed in his gaze before he looked away. “He just forced you to your hands and knees when he took you?”
“Kind of. He had me bend over the end of the bed and grip the footboard railings. It was a narrow bed.”
A snarl made her start. It was a loud, dangerous sound.
“Don’t,” he rasped, holding her gaze again. “I’m not him.”
“I know that.”
“Are you curious about sex and want to know how it would feel if a male you want touched you?”
Her cheeks were burning now and she wanted to hide from his intense stare but answered honestly despite it. “Yes.”
“Why?”
“I don’t understand the question.”
“Why would you want a male to touch you after you’ve been hurt?”
She tried to put her feelings into words. “I didn’t at first but then I started hearing the other women who live next door to me when men visited them. They kept inviting more of them to their apartments. I envied them because it sounded so different from what I’ve known. The sounds were of pleasure, not pain. They enjoyed it. I just want to know how it would feel to have someone touch me that way. I can’t explain it any better than that. I liked you holding me the night we spent together.”
“I’m not the right male for this.”
“You don’t want me.” It stung. “It’s okay.”
“I want you. I’m just telling you the truth. I’ve avoided females.”
“Is it because of what was done to you? Does it make you hate women?”
“Not hate, no. I’m afraid I’ll lose control if I have a flashback. I suffer nightmares.”
“What exactly was done to you?”
He didn’t answer and she thought he wouldn’t until he took a ragged breath. “They gave me breeding drugs and put things over my eyes to force me to watch video images of human women touching themselves. It made my dick hard because I’m male and the drugs aroused me greatly.” Pain flashed in his beautiful eyes. “They hooked my dick to a machine that stimulated me to release my seed.”
“To steal your semen to sell.” She remembered him telling her that.
“It hurt bad and even after my seed was taken they didn’t stop. They had drugged me enough to make me mindless so I suffered. I began to associate pain and humiliation with seeing a female body. I’ve progressed somewhat since being freed. The feminine form arouses me now but the idea of following through with action makes me hesitate.”
Beauty continued to stroke his hair with her fingertips. “Did it make you feel that way when I walked out of the bathroom just now without my towel?”
The arm around her waist tightened slightly. “No.”
“How did it make you feel?”
He softly growled and lowered his focus to her chest. “Afraid, but I wanted you.”
“How could I possibly frighten you?” It amazed her that he’d say that.
He looked up and held her gaze. “You’re smaller than me and I worry I’d be too rough if I put my hands on you.”
“You’re touching me right now and you’re being very gentle.” She swallowed hard. “Maybe we could help each other get over our pasts.”“How?”
Her heart hammered with fear but she wanted Shadow. “Come to bed with me.”
Chapter Eight
Shadow waged an inner battle while peering at Beauty. It was so tempting to take her up on the offer to share a bed. The condition of his dick would make that a bad idea. He didn’t just want to hold her in his arms. He would touch, perhaps lick, and even bite. He glanced down her body. There were a dozen places he’d love to scrape his fangs on her skin. Would she shiver with need for more or would it instill terror?
Memories of being chained up while his body was forced into submission to release his seed had damaged him. Those images of nude human females had been arousing and in turn, he’d grown to hate the sight of them. Beauty wasn’t them. His mind knew the difference. His body did as well, judging by its responses. Desire he’d long denied heated his blood. Instead of masturbating just to tend his physical needs, he wanted close intimate contact with the Gift Female.
He thought back to the few times at Mercile that he’d been used in breeding tests. The females hadn’t been overly friendly or talkative. Their lives had made them emotionally detached. The feline he’d mounted on three different occasions had walked into his cell, stripped out of just her pants and gotten into position on her hands and knees on his cot. When he’d attempted to arouse her by touching her gently and exploring her sex, she’d snarled, “Just do it. I knew they were bringing me to a male and I prepared my body.”
That would account for the smell of her. The rich aroma coming off her had made his dick hard and his animal urges surged. Taking her had been physically pleasurable, no denying that, but the act had been cold. She’d left immediately afterward, asking the technicians to take her away.
She hadn’t recognized him when he’d seen her again at Homeland—Kit. That or she had purposely ignored their past association. Seeing her alive had been both a relief that someone he’d met during those brief encounters at Mercile had also survived and an embarrassing reminder of what they’d once been subjected to. He’d heard the females had been taken to a lot of males and it had been several years ago. It was possible that he just hadn’t been memorable to her.
The other female was one he’d never seen again. A technician had brought her to him twice during the breeding tests. She’d been canine and aggressive. She’d giving his body a once-over, assessing him, and flashed fangs. “Just don’t bite me. The last male attempted that.”
“I won’t harm you,” he’d sworn.
She’d nodded. “Proceed.”
He’d been at a loss as to what to do. Irritation had flashed in her expression when he’d just stood there waiting for an indication of what she expected. “First time breeding?” 
“No.”
“Make me wet.”
He’d glanced at the water source in his cell. She’d growled, pulling his attention back to her.
“You know nothing, do you?”
Shame had burned through him. “I can mount you.”