Sex Unlimited(39)

“I don’t hate you, Brian. I thought I did. I felt a lot of things. I can’t really explain it. I just wanted you to hurt like I was hurting.”

He slowly turns and faces me again. “Is that what you thought? That I wasn’t hurting? That I wasn’t dying a little every single minute of every day we searched for her? You have no idea what I felt or how much pain I endured then, and still do to this day.”

His eyes glossed over and I could tell he was holding back tears. I looked down and saw his hands were clasped in his lap, each knuckle whitening from squeezing them so hard.

“Have you ever considered that your pain just looks different than mine?” I considered his question and he never took his eyes off of mine. I blinked back tears and wished I could go back in time and do things different.

“No, I never thought of it that way. I just saw you trying so hard to be positive and hold out hope she would be found alive. I needed to grieve and you wouldn’t let her go.”

He stood and towered over me. Tears broke free from his eyes and all I wanted to do was jump up and wrap my arms around him. “No, I wouldn’t let her go. Hope kept me going when all I wanted to do was end my life. I didn’t want to live in a world where she didn’t exist. But I thought you needed me. I needed you to need me. I tried to be strong for you and for us. You refused to see that. Not everyone displays their pain for everyone to see. Every time I forced a smile onto my face it was just a mask for the agony I felt inside. Every time I told you everything was going to be okay it was me stopping myself from telling you how many times I imagined taking my own life. Each day I disguised my pain to ease yours. You had enough heartache. You didn’t need mine, too.”

Every word he spoke in that moment landed upon me like explosions of fiery regret. Every syllable scorched my soul. My heart turned to ashes and fell at his feet, begging forgiveness for not seeing his pain…because I was so blinded by my own.

Earth shattering sobs erupted from my throat and I cried for him. For the first time since our world was turned on its axis, I cried for the man who lost just as much, if not more, than I did. Instantly, he was at my side. His big, warm arms embraced my trembling body and I cried into his chest until every tear I could cry had been shed. He never spoke. He just caressed my back and held me. When I finally looked up at him I saw the man I had given my heart to so many years before. I had refused to see that Brian for so long.

“I’m so sorry. I made so many mistakes. Can you ever forgive me?”

He leaned in and rested his head on mine. “I forgave you a long time ago.”

I froze. I thought surely he had hated me for pushing him away. “You did?”

“Yes, I did. I had to.”

I pulled back from him some and the confusion on my face must have been evident because he tried to explain.

“Living with bitterness is like poison. I made a choice to forgive you because I knew you only did what you did to survive a tragedy. I also knew I couldn’t carry the weight of being bitter toward both you and me. What I’m still working on is forgiving myself.”

I grasped his hand and tried to give him a reassured look that it wasn’t his fault. “You can’t blame yourself forever, Brian. Just because we don’t have a name and face to blame doesn’t mean you have to blame yourself. Whoever took her is the person to blame. Not you. I know I never said that to you but I should have.”

He traced the skin on my hand with his thumb. “Thank you for saying it now.”

“You’re welcome. I’m sorry for waiting so long to tell you that.”

He released my hand and pulled his keys from his pocket. “I should go. I’m glad we ran into each other here today. It was good to talk about everything.”

My heart sank because in that second I knew my hopes of reconciling were futile. I had really lost him.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come back to the house and spend the rest of the day together?” I had to at least try.

“I can’t.”

I dropped my head and nodded. “I understand.”

“Listen, you have no idea how glad I am we talked. It was hard thinking you were continuing to feel hatred toward me. And I’m glad you finally understand how I felt and still feel.”

Looking back up at him I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my face. “I ruined us, didn’t I?”

“No, Danielle, you didn’t ruin us. Pain just changed us. That’s what pain does. It changes who we are; sometimes in good ways and sometimes not. Regardless, we are different now. I know I am, anyway. I can’t be the man you fell in love with or the man you married. I’ll always love you.”