Secrets in the Marriage Bed(7)

In the early days of their marriage, she'd once confessed that she  didn't cry because as a child, her tears had been the only thing over  which she'd had any control. No matter what she'd said or done, her  grandmother had never been able to make Vicki break down.

"I'm here," he said. "Don't cry, honey."

"I'm not crying." Her voice was raw. "I just need to say this. I've been trying for so long."

"What?" Giving in to his own need, he drew her into his arms. She came  without hesitation, spooning her back to his front. The familiarity of  the gesture was bittersweet. Vicki didn't mind his embrace. All those  late nights when he'd finally slipped into bed, she'd sleepily scooted  nearer so he could tuck her close.

"The way I am in bed … it's not your fault."

What was he supposed to make of that?

She took a deep, halting breath. "Grandmother … "

The abrupt change of topic threw him. "What about her?"

Caleb didn't particularly like Ada Wentworth, even though the old woman  had introduced him to Vicki and given her smiling blessing to their  union     . He'd known that Ada had chosen to overlook his lack of breeding  only because of his increasing wealth and connections, but it hadn't  mattered. Despite the ten-year gap in their ages, he'd fallen headlong  for Vicki.

She put her hand over the arm he had around her waist. "She said-She  said that the reason my father left my mother was because my mother was a  s-slut. A w-whore who'd spread her legs for any man who asked."

Caleb bit off a sharp curse. "How old were you?" He knew she'd been sent  to live with Ada at four years of age, soon after her parents, Danica  and Gregory Wentworth, had divorced.

"I can't remember the first time, but I grew up with her voice in my  head telling me 'like mother, like daughter.' I guess I must have been  very young when she started. There was never a time when I didn't know  what Grandmother thought of Mother and what she'd think of me if I ever  strayed out of line."

He was rocked by the viciousness of the wounds Vicki had hidden inside herself.

"And she said," Vicki continued before he could speak, "that unless I  was the perfect model of a wife, you'd leave me, too. She told me that  men don't want their wives to be w-whores. If I wanted to keep you, I  had better make sure I always acted like a lady, not a slut."

She was killing him. "Vicki-"

"When I was ten, my father married Claire. She's so perfect, sometimes I  don't think she's real. It's as if she has ice running in her veins.  I've never seen her show any powerful emotion. Grandmother used to tell  me, 'Look at Claire and now look at Danica. Men sleep with sluts, but  they marry women of breeding.' I believed her."

Caleb wanted to strangle Ada. "I married you," he said, trying to cut  through her pain. "I never asked you to be anything other than the woman  you were."

"That's just it, Caleb." Haunting sadness laced her tone. "You were so  proud to be marrying the woman Grandmother had made me into, the woman I  was when we met. So proud of the way I talked and acted. I wanted you  to love me so I tried hard to continue to be that woman even though she  wasn't really me.

"And all the time, I knew I wasn't giving you what you needed but I  didn't understand what it was that I was doing wrong. I kept trying  harder and harder but no matter what I did, you kept moving further away  from me. Then one day I realized that if I tried any harder to be  someone I wasn't, I'd disappear forever."                       
       
           



       

Stunned, he put both hands on her shoulders and tugged her onto her back  with him braced over her. She tried to avoid his gaze but he put a  finger on her jaw and applied gentle pressure until her eyes met his.  "You don't have to act a certain way to prove yourself to me. The only  thing I ever wanted was for you to drop your shields and let me in."

Her eyes widened at his husky words. A hesitant hand rose to touch his  cheek and he felt his whiskers scrape her skin. He used to shower and  shave before coming to her, wanting to be what he'd thought she needed.

"Really?" Doubt continued to throw shadows over her expression.

Understanding, he stroked the hair off her face. "Don't you think I  could tell what Ada had tried to do to you? What attracted me to you was  your spirit, your refusal to be crushed by her. I was so goddamn proud  to have you as my wife. You, not the well-bred, elegant doll."

"And I was proud to have you as my husband." Vicki's hand slid to rest  on his shoulder. "Proud of what you'd achieved through sheer  determination. Did you know I used to brag to the other wives about your  successful cases? Sometimes, I'd go sit in the back of the courtroom to  watch you work and think, he's mine."

Caleb's whole world changed in that instant. "Vicki," he whispered. No  one had ever been proud of him. His family came to him for money but not  one of them had ever said, "Well done, Caleb, well done." Not one of  them had ever come to watch him defend a case. And not one of them had  ever been so proud that they'd praised him to others.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm so sorry."

He shook his head. "I'm as much to blame as you. I pushed and pushed  like I always do." As a child, belligerence had been the only way he'd  been able to make his father, Max, "see" him. As often as not, his  stubbornness had sparked Max's temper, but back then Caleb had been  desperate enough to value any connection with the man. The experience  had scarred him, made him emotionally aggressive when dealing with the  people who mattered to him, with Vicki.

"And I let you," she added, taking a burden that should never have set  on her shoulders. "Every time I tried to speak about it, I'd get so  nervous and when you began to soothe me and say we could talk about  whatever it was later, I'd agree. But later never came."

Caleb wasn't going to allow her to let him off the hook so easily.  "Honey, I knew you wanted to tell me something … " I just didn't want to  hear it. I thought," he dropped his head and owned up to his colossal  blunder, "that you'd tell me you didn't want to be in bed with me. So I  tried to change your mind each time." Another assumption, he realized,  beginning to see the pattern in his dealings with Vicki.

Her eyes were huge. "What happens next?"

"I want to be married to you, Vicki." Nothing subtle would work now. "Do you want to be married to me?"

The pause was minuscule. "Yes." She took a deep breath. "Yes."

It wasn't the avowal he'd been looking for. But it was better than her  earlier statement that they were still separated. "Then giving up is not  an option." It had never been for him. And despite Vicki's ambivalence,  he didn't think it had ever been for her, either. If it had, she would  have taken his key when she'd kicked him out and refused to see him  those times he'd come over or invited her to lunch. But she hadn't.

"Caleb … " She put a hesitant hand on his upper arm. "Do you want … ? We can try again."

The vulnerability he could see shattered him. He knew that right now, he  could ask for anything in bed and she'd try to provide it. But he  didn't want his wife giving in to him because she was laboring under a  burden of guilt. He wanted them to bridge this distance in the bright  light of day.

"All I want is for you to sleep in my arms." He dropped a soft kiss on  her lips. It was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. Part of  him-the part that had been deprived for years-whispered that he should  take this chance, that it might never come again, that this emotional  woman in his arms would be gone when morning arrived, replaced by the  cool, elegant lady he barely dared to touch.

Troubled eyes met his. "Caleb, I can … "

"Hush." He moved onto his back, pulling her against his chest. "Sleep.  This is enough for tonight." Despite the desperate voices urging him to  take what she was trying to offer and not look back, he knew he spoke  the truth. His wife was used to keeping her emotions well under control.  And yet she'd come to him tonight.                       
       
           



       

Finally, she'd come to him.





Five



V icki woke to the sound of Caleb showering. As always, she fantasized  about going into the bathroom, stripping off her clothing and joining  him in that steamy enclosure. What she'd give to run her hands over his  soap-slick skin, to explore his beautiful body as she wished. But as  always, she got out of bed and went to put on the coffee instead.