Secrets in the Marriage Bed(10)

"The baby? I think I can feel her moving but it's probably all in my mind. According to the baby books, it's too early."

"Her?" That quickly, their baby became real, a little person with hopes  and dreams, and a heart that he could bruise with a careless word.

Vicki gave him a sheepish smile. "I just started thinking of it as a girl. Would you prefer a girl or a boy?"

"I don't mind," he replied truthfully. "I only want it to be healthy."

"Me, too." Her face became solemn. "It's scary thinking about a child who's going to rely on me for everything."

"On us." He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and nudged her  into a seat. "But yeah, it's not like either of us has a good example to  follow. Are these baby books for dads as well?" Books he  understood-they taught you things. Maybe they could teach him how to be a  good father, a concept that caused raw panic inside of him whenever he  dared think about it. Like now.                       
       
           



       

Her smile was huge. "Yes. I'll give you a good one."

Sitting down, he nodded. "So," he said, deciding that that was about as  much baby talk as he could handle for one night, "you get any  interesting phone calls today?" It was meant to be a lighthearted  comment but her expression grew pensive.

"Mother confirmed her plans to visit."

He paused, trying to catch the emotions passing over her face like storm clouds. "What else did she say?"

Vicki shrugged and made a face. "Nothing much-you know her. Do you want some more salad?"

He let her change the subject, having learned that she didn't like  discussing her mother. Danica contacted Vicki once or twice every year  and inevitably left behind a mess. After her last visit, Vicki had  locked herself in her study and sobbed as though her heart was broken.  Although he'd tried to talk to her about it, she'd pretended nothing was  wrong. It frustrated him but her emotional armor on this topic was so  tough, he'd never made much of a dent in it.

Figuring they had bigger problems to solve, he didn't press the issue  this time. But part of him worried about exactly what it was that she  was so scared to face … and what those buried truths were doing to her  already-bruised psyche.





They were hyper-aware of each other as they got ready for bed that  night. Vicki felt like a virgin again, flustered and lost, with no idea  what to do. In the end she washed up and waited until Caleb went into  the bathroom to brush his teeth before slipping into her pj's. They were  hardly the sexiest of garments, but she wasn't sure she could live up  to the promise implied by slinky lingerie.Sliding under the thick  blanket, she turned off all the lights except the one on Caleb's side of  the bed. The door to the bathroom opened a second later and Caleb  walked back in.

"Sweetheart, that blanket has to go."

Surprised out of her mini panic, she sat straight up. "What?"

He was already pulling it off. "We'll roast to death."

She clutched at her end. "Caleb! It's cold. I need it."

His eyes met hers, the clear hazel almost silver in the muted light of the room. "You needed it. We won't."

Heart somewhere in her throat, she released her grip on the blanket.  Caleb bunched it up in his hands and walked out. A couple of minutes  later, he returned with a much thinner one. Getting in beside her, he  flipped it open over them and switched off the light. Then he turned to  take her in his arms. She felt his body heat seep into her bones, the  most intimate of caresses. He wore only his boxers and the hairs of his  bare arm tantalized the skin of her abdomen where the top of her pj's  had ridden up.

"Caleb?"

"Yes?"

"I'm scared."

Vicki's confession ripped the heart right out of him. Because the truth  was, he was terrified. Part of him still couldn't accept that she wanted  him. It was hard to believe the words she said when he'd spent years  listening to her body and hearing the opposite.

"There's nothing to be scared about. All you have to do is let your body  tell the truth." What he didn't want to face was the prospect that he'd  hear the same unwelcoming message.

He didn't think he had it in him to go back to the way things had been  before Vicki had shaken up their world. Now that he'd glimpsed the fire  within her, he wanted to plunge his hand into the flames and burn in the  heat of her passion.

Turning in his arms, Vicki tipped her head up. He could barely see the  outline of her face. "I want you so much, Caleb. Please don't give up on  me."

"I don't think I have it in me to give up on you." Sliding the hand on  her hip up into her hair, he moved his body slightly over hers and  placed a kiss on her lips.

Fire and spice, ecstasy and exquisite pleasure, her kiss was everything  he could have asked for. She said everything with her lips, her tongue,  her breathless gasps. But this time he couldn't get past the fact that  her arms remained by her sides.

Breaking the kiss, his initial reaction was to move away, to save himself another knife in the heart.

You have to help me.

Her plea from the night before filled his mind as he reached down,  lifted one arm and put it over his shoulder. She gave a soft "Ohh," and  did the same with her other. "Sorry," she whispered against his lips. "I  forget everything when you kiss me."

Caleb thought a man could hear worse things in bed. Leaning down, he  kissed her again but let her take the lead. Every particle of his being  was concentrated on her body, on the way she moved, on the slightest  pressure of her fingertips.                       
       
           



       

"This isn't working," she said, pulling away from the kiss. "You're so  tense I can feel your muscles vibrating and I'm even worse."

It was in his nature to argue but he knew she was right. Swearing under  his breath, he rolled onto his back. Both of them stared at the ceiling.  Now what?

"P-perhaps we should talk first before we rush into … We never talked,  Caleb." The words were hesitant, but in her tone he heard a thread of  strength that told him that maybe, just maybe, she was ready to face all  that he needed from her. Not only from her body but from her soul.

The question was, would she be willing to give it to him? He knew he  wasn't an easy man to live with, to love. He was too demanding, too  protective and, on occasion, downright autocratic.

The woman he'd married five years ago had captured his heart with her  shy intensity, but she hadn't had the grit to stand up to him. Instead  of fighting when he'd become too domineering, she'd withdrawn. But now,  his Vicki was coming out of hiding. They could explore what that might  mean for their marriage.

"Why didn't you touch me in bed?" he asked. "I can understand how  uncertain Ada must have made you but I never stopped you from doing  that. I asked you to."

She took in a quick breath but didn't retreat. "I was afraid of doing  something wrong. You can't imagine how terrified I was that I'd make a  mistake and disgust you. You were so important to me and all I had for  guidance was what Grandmother had taught me and what I'd seen between  Claire and my father-separate bedrooms and separate lives."

He could hear the deep emotion in her voice and it took everything he  had not to take her back into his arms, to soothe her pain. The wounds  between them couldn't be so easily solved-they had to confront the mess  they'd created in this bed and it seemed fitting that the truth was  coming out in the darkness, in the same heavy silence that had hidden  their past mistakes.

"I was too shy to bring up the topic with my friends-it's such a private  thing. Of course I watched TV and read magazines but Grandmother had  beaten it into me that I was … flawed goods. I couldn't be anything less  than perfect because any mistake might lead to a total loss of control.  And then I'd be rejected and end up like my mother-mistress to a man  married to another woman. It was the perfect threat. I wanted a husband,  a family."

Caleb could hear echoes of the lost girl she'd been, the teenager with  no one but a bitter, angry woman to teach her. He wished he could go  back in time and kiss away Vicki's pain but all he could do was listen.

She put one hand on his shoulder, hesitant, searching. "So I tried to do  as she said. But she didn't tell me how far I could go with my husband,  didn't tell me what it was that I couldn't do. I didn't know the rules  so I froze. And after a while, you stopped trying to teach me."

He knew she was right. He'd arrogantly expected her to follow his lead,  never asking if that was what she wanted, never stopping to listen to  her unspoken needs. But some mistakes could be rectified. "Tell me what  would make it easier for you."