Second Chances(16)

Paige tensed and Nathan let out a short laugh.

"Please don't worry. I told you, I am not crazy."

She met his eyes this time and he had to laugh again at the expression on her face.

"Yeah I know, how many crazy people actually think they are, right?"

She nodded.

"Well, I was close to cracking. I don't doubt that. It was the hardest time of my life and I don't doubt that if things had continued on the way they were then I may well have completely lost it. The funny thing is that it was thoughts of you that made me remember Dr. McKay."

"I suppose he was my doctor? I am the crazy one?"

This time Nathan's laugh was full of genuine amusement.

"No, not at all. He was just someone new in town. You had met him at Dan Fiori's little vegetable stand. When I went to see him, he told me you were one of the sweetest people he'd met. How did he term it?"

Nathan bit his lip as he tried to remember. Finally he reached over and withdrew the black journal from the case. He flipped through the first few pages.

"He told me how sorry he was for my loss. Told me what a wonderful woman he thought you were. Let me see if I can recall his words. She had made me feel instantly welcomed and accepted, even before knowing who I was. And even after I told her what I did. The strangest thing was that she reminded me of my mother. The simple notion of kindness to a stranger, even if it was something as simple as telling me how to tell a good tomato from a bad one. Living in the city for so long you can sometimes forget there is a thing called common courtesy. Your wife reminded me that it still existed," Nathan read from the journal.

"You came home and told me about meeting him. I remember laughing when you said he'd seemed embarrassed to admit what he did for a living. And then..."

Paige looked over at him, a sad smile of remembrance played upon his lips.

"Sorry," he said, shaking himself free of the past. "As I was saying, I went to see him afterwards."

She stiffened a little, but said nothing.

"He was quite surprised by every...anyway. He said a lot of things that day, not much of which I understood or likely even believed. I think he knew I wouldn't be coming back to see him on any kind of regular basis, but he made sure I understood that I couldn't keep everything bottled up inside. In the end it was the journals. Well it actually started with a letter. After that it turned into the journals. And like I said, I suppose that they are for you, because you are the one I write to and about in these," he said patting the journals.

"I don't know if reading them right away, especially here is the best thing," Nathan said as he stacked the journals in front of her. "But they were meant for you, so..."

Paige looked at the journals and shook her head. She didn't think she was ready for whatever revelations might lie within.

"Nathan, I don't have a clue what is happening here. I know I am not crazy."

He opened his mouth to respond, but she silenced him with a raised hand.

"I don't think you are crazy either. The woman in those photographs does look like me, exactly like me. I can not deny that, but I know she is not me. I am not her."

"But..."

She again silenced him with a wave of her hand.

"I do not know what to think. I don't have any explanations or theories. I am sure you have a million things you would like to tell me or ask me, but I can't deal with this right now. I do not know if I have any of the answers you are looking for or not. What I do know is that I am this far from a complete breakdown," she said, holding up her hand with her thumb and index finger only centimeters apart. "I need some time to think about this. Some time to try and process it all. Can you understand that?"

Nathan nodded.

"I want answers too. As much as I would like to simply walk away from you and all this, I know I can't. These," Paige said, pulling out his wallet and looking at the pictures once more. "These scare the hell out of me. What you have said scares the hell out of me. And what you have not said scares me even more. I think I need to know the answers to all this even more than you do. Who was she? Why was she pretending to be me?"

She turned and looked out the window. She tried to slow her breathing and wiped at the tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

"Just not now. I can't deal with it yet. I need a little time. Please."

The sound of her voice, barely on the edge of control, barely holding back the trapped anguish, was almost more than Nathan could take.

"Take all the time you need," he finally managed in a dry whisper.

Paige leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes against the steady stream of white. Nathan leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes as well. In less then ten minutes exhaustion finally won over and he was snoring softly.