Say You're Mine(43)
He hadn’t been ready to leave.
Hadn’t wanted to be normal.
But here he was, trying his best to do those things anyway.
And Lauren made that all a little easier. He massaged her back in slow, sweeping circles. “I’ve asked you this before, but we’re older now, and I have a feeling your answer changed. What’s your biggest fear?”
She shifted her weight uneasily. “Wow. That’s a tough one. I guess…it would be dying alone. Dad left when I was a baby, and Mom died right after high school. Even before that, I barely even saw her. But if everyone else gets married and moves on with their lives, and I’m all alone…yeah. I would be the old lady that dies and no one finds out till after her cat eats half her rotting, smelly, exploding flesh away.”
He laughed. He couldn’t help it. “Wow. That’s quite the image you paint.”
“It’s the truth.” She placed a hand over his shoulder, where the scar from his injury was. The one that ended his career. “My turn again. If you hadn’t been shot, would you still be there now?”
“It’s the only place I’ve felt like I had a meaning to my life. The only place I’ve felt like I belong, and that I knew what my purpose was.” He rested his hands on hers and held on to it. “So, yeah, I’d be over there, fighting and serving my country. It pisses me off that I can’t anymore. I feel useless. Like my entire life has nothing left to it anymore.”
She reared back. “That’s insane. You’re a valuable part of the Shillings Agency. And you have Lydia. Holt. Your parents.” She hesitated. “Me.”
“Do I?” he asked. “Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like it.”
“Steven…”
He took a deep breath. “My turn. Why do you think you’ll be alone? Why are you so sure no one will fall in love with you, or ask you to marry them?”
“Quite frankly…” She bit down on her tongue. He could see it. “I’m not sure I’m capable of the kind of love that other people feel.”
He stilled. “Why not?”
“It’s my turn, not yours. Why do you want to be with me all of a sudden?”
“I can’t think of anything else.” He traced an invisible path on his knee, frowning down at it. “I didn’t let myself think about it before, but you kissed me. And everything changed. Now I want to be with you so badly it hurts. Why did you kiss me last night?”
She swallowed hard. “I always wondered what it would be like. Why did you kiss me back?”
“I needed to kiss you, too,” he shot back. “Was it what you imagined?”
“Even better.” She licked her lips, and he couldn’t look away from the wet sheen she left behind. “So much better. Why have you been drinking so much?”
Shit. She had to ask him that. Had to throw it out there. “It helps me forget I lost my way. And it makes me forget all the people I didn’t save. And the ones I no longer can save. How many people do you think die, every day, over there, that I could have saved if only I was still there? I don’t think I want to know. But it haunts me. If I’d—” He broke off, not wanting to tell her about the lie that ended his career, and his friend’s lives. “It’s just, if things had played out differently, everything could be different. And those men would still be with their families.”
“When Lydia called me in the middle of the night, I was terrified she was calling to tell me you were dead.” She fisted his shirt and took a deep breath. “It was, hands down, the most frightening moment of my life. When she told me you were alive, I sat down and I couldn’t move. Not even after we hung up.”
Swallowing hard, he hugged her, still rubbing her back. Funny, but he never really thought about that. What it would be like to be on the other end of the phone, getting that call. He tried to imagine how he would feel if the roles were reversed, and it didn’t feel good at all. He kissed the top of her head, taking a second to breathe in her sweet scent. “I’m sorry.”
She didn’t say anything, but snuggled closer.
It was his turn, so he asked, “Why did you ask me to stay here?”
“I…uhh…” Lifting her head, she opened her mouth, going pale. Fear flashed across her eyes, and she shook her head once. “Dare. I’ll take a dare.”
Out of all the questions, that wasn’t the one he expected her to avoid. What was so damn bad that she had to hide it from him? That she refused to answer? “Seriously? That’s the one you don’t want to answer?”