Safeword: Davenport(81)

Thankfully, no one else was on the point when she finally reached it. She carefully made her way to the outermost tip and sat on the edge, holding onto a gnarled tree twisted by the almost constant winds. She released her ponytail and the gusts whipped her hair around her face as the warm sun shone down on her. Garnet had loved to see her hair blowing when they were up here.

The view was breathtaking, as always, and she took a moment to look all the way around her, savoring the victory of arriving before she got down to business.

Pulling the wedding rings out from under her shirt, holding them in her hand, she began with an internal conversation, but it wasn't enough, so she started over, out loud.

"Garnet, I miss you so much. At first, I couldn't imagine surviving without you; but somehow, I've managed. Some days better than others. It's been two years though, and I need to let you know I've found someone I think can make me happy. His name is Zach, and I don't know if things will work between us or not, but I have to give it a try. I've loved other people, and had sex with other people, but you're the only one who's had my total submission and trust. Those things belong to you."

She was wrong, she did have more tears in her, and they all came cascading out, her breath catching as she sobbed, so she couldn't draw air into her lungs. She gasped for oxygen, needing to finish—to voice what she'd come to say. “I miss you so damn bad; you don't know how many times I've wished I could join you. It'd be so easy right now, I'd only have to lean forward a little ways and I'd hit bottom in less than a minute, but I'm not ready to leave here yet. I've still got a lot of living to do, and I hope you understand."

The gut-wrenching sobs overtook her again, but she talked over them. “I'm asking permission—can you find a way to give it to me? Please, Master? I need you to tell me it's okay, to tell me I'm doing the right thing this one last time. Please."

She hugged the tree tighter, needing the stability of it, but she didn't try to stop the tears. She'd cry as much as she wanted today. Tomorrow would be about looking forward, but today was yet another goodbye. She thought she'd already said her final farewell to him, but this... she needed to do this, to at least ask permission, even if he couldn't give it to her from wherever he was now.

She sat on the point for over an hour before a group of hikers came along, but by then she was more or less composed and, she hoped, appeared tired instead of looking as if she'd been crying most of the day. They exchanged basic hiker pleasantries and Dana learned they were college kids from the nearby university. All but one had traversed this section before, and she hadn't been prepared for the strenuous trek. The group settled not too far away and pulled water bottles and trail mix out, enjoying the view as they rested. Dana's back was to them, no longer part of the conversation as they continued to talk and joke around with each other.

The girl who hadn't been prepared said, “I still can't believe ya'll told me this wasn't a rough trail. If Jake hadn't caught me on those rocks, I'd probably be dead. Seriously, Bobby, what would you do if I died?"

His speech took on that of a bad Shakespearean actor. “My heart would be broken and I'd never date again. You're my soul mate, without you I'd be stuck living alone for the rest of my miserable existence.” Changing back to a normal voice, he said, “Doves do that, right? If their mate dies they don't find another?"

There were a few seconds of silence before she answered. “I have no idea about doves, but it wouldn't be right for you to... I was joking when I asked the question, but I'd be very sad if you never dated again. Would you want me to live my life alone if something happened to you?"

Dana's skin textured into goose bumps. She wanted to turn around so she could see their faces, but felt it would be too obvious if she did. One of the other guys spoke up. “Whoa, heavy. Don't scare him like that Amanda. When he first told us about you, about how close the two of you were, and why he wasn't looking at other girls even though you were, like, a thousand miles away at another college, we didn't get it—how connected the two of you are. Now that you're here, we totally understand."

The wind stilled and a red-tailed hawk floating in the sky twenty yards in front of her screamed seconds before Bobby said, “I don't know if I'd ever date again, but I'd definitely want you to find someone you could be happy with. What I'd really like is to not have to think about life without you. Last semester was hell; I can't go through it again."

Dana couldn't help it, the tears started anew. She'd asked for permission, and got it. One of the guys came over to her, bent down.

"Ma'am? Are you okay?"