SEX Unlimited Volume 3(5)
I think back and go over the story in my head. All I recall is him leaving; she did explain how and why, but there was a lot left in the story I hadn’t gotten to read yet. I stand up abruptly.
“I have to go home. I have to go read the rest of it.”
She smiles. “Yes, you do. Hopefully your answer will be there.”
Even though her body was never found, it had been confirmed that the blood discovered in an abandoned car was hers; a lot of blood. She was only a few years old—losing that much blood and surviving just wasn’t possible. I knew that, deep down, but Brian would never accept it. His positive outlook and boundless hope fueled my anger daily. After he left, we only saw each other for meetings with our divorce attorneys. Still, he always remained hopeful. I hated him for that—I wanted him to be angry, too. I wanted him to wallow in the depths of despair along with me. He abandoned my pain and I never forgave him for it. In the process of hating him, I pushed him so far away that nothing could ever erase the damage done. I went through a long grieving process and eventually my hate for him dissolved, little by little and, piece by piece, I allowed myself to see things from his perspective. I thought about reaching out to him many times but never had the courage to follow through.
On the first anniversary of Willow going missing, I found him at the park where he last saw her. I went there having no idea he would be there. Just sitting on the park bench, he was staring out at nothing or everything—I don’t know which. I sat down next to him and he didn’t even turn to see who it was. He just knew.
“I didn’t know you were coming or I would’ve waited.” His voice was void of emotion and tempered.
“It’s okay. I’m glad you’re here.”
He turned toward me and I looked into his eyes for the first time in many months. Nothing short of beautiful could describe his eyes. Even when they’re sad they’re perfect.
“You are?”
I nod. “Yes, I am. It’s a hard day. We should be together today, for Willow.”
As soon as I say her name he turns away from me and stares ahead.
“I’m sorry I lost her, Danielle. You’ll never know how sorry I am. I don’t even mind you hating me anymore. I hate me, too.”
“I don’t hate you, Brian. I thought I did. I felt a lot of things. I can’t really explain it. I just wanted you to hurt like I was hurting.”
He slowly turns and faces me again. “Is that what you thought? That I wasn’t hurting? That I wasn’t dying a little every single minute of every day we searched for her? You have no idea what I felt or how much pain I endured then, and still do to this day.”
His eyes glossed over and I could tell he was holding back tears. I looked down and saw his hands were clasped in his lap, each knuckle whitening from squeezing them so hard.
“Have you ever considered that your pain just looks different than mine?” I considered his question and he never took his eyes off of mine. I blinked back tears and wished I could go back in time and do things different.
“No, I never thought of it that way. I just saw you trying so hard to be positive and hold out hope she would be found alive. I needed to grieve and you wouldn’t let her go.”
He stood and towered over me. Tears broke free from his eyes and all I wanted to do was jump up and wrap my arms around him. “No, I wouldn’t let her go. Hope kept me going when all I wanted to do was end my life. I didn’t want to live in a world where she didn’t exist. But I thought you needed me. I needed you to need me. I tried to be strong for you and for us. You refused to see that. Not everyone displays their pain for everyone to see. Every time I forced a smile onto my face it was just a mask for the agony I felt inside. Every time I told you everything was going to be okay it was me stopping myself from telling you how many times I imagined taking my own life. Each day I disguised my pain to ease yours. You had enough heartache. You didn’t need mine, too.”
Every word he spoke in that moment landed upon me like explosions of fiery regret. Every syllable scorched my soul. My heart turned to ashes and fell at his feet, begging forgiveness for not seeing his pain…because I was so blinded by my own.
Earth shattering sobs erupted from my throat and I cried for him. For the first time since our world was turned on its axis, I cried for the man who lost just as much, if not more, than I did. Instantly, he was at my side. His big, warm arms embraced my trembling body and I cried into his chest until every tear I could cry had been shed. He never spoke. He just caressed my back and held me. When I finally looked up at him I saw the man I had given my heart to so many years before. I had refused to see that Brian for so long.