Roommate(12)

Just tell him. You’ll only feel worse if you don’t.

But still we stared at each other, because the fear of losing him was too much.

“You’re scaring the shit out of me right now,” he said, a thickness in his voice that told me he was really worried.

I found my nerve and inhaled and exhaled. I took a step back because I needed a little distance to do this. The scent of the alcohol he’d had moved between us. Although I could tell he was probably a little intoxicated, he didn’t act drunk right now. He acted alert, ready to hear what I had to say.

I doubt that’ll be the case once I open my mouth.

“Meghan, come on, sweetheart, talk to me.”

I took one more deep breath and just went for it. “You love someone?”

He seemed taken aback, but hell, I would have too if he’d thrown that question at me.

He didn’t answer for a second and lifted his hand to run it over the short strands of his hair. “What?” he said, his voice tighter, it seemed.

“I…” God, could I do this? “I overheard you saying you cared about someone, and I wondered.” I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat. “It’s none of my business–”

“Yes, I’m in love with someone,” he said, cutting me off. He looked at me for just a second before turning away, as if the sight of me was uncomfortable. “But it’s complicated as hell.”

Yeah, probably more for me than you.

“Isn’t it always complicated?” I asked in a teasing voice, but the situation seemed very tense, and I felt awkward saying anything at all. He looked at me then, his face strained, as if this were almost painful.

“This is pretty fucking complicated.”

I swallowed after he spoke and nodded slowly.

“But I don’t understand why you’re asking me that.”

My tongue felt too thick at the moment, but I knew I needed to grow some balls, so to speak.

“Is that what has you acting like this?” His brow was furrowed again.

“I—”

“Are you worried about me loving someone, Meghan?”

His question took me aback, and I blinked a few times, not sure how to answer, although the answer was pretty damn easy. As the seconds passed, and the weirdness of this entire situation grew, I felt this dawning realization come over me as I stared at him.

He knew or at least guessed. That was clear by the look he was giving me. It was a mixture of shock and something else, something I really couldn’t put my finger on.

Might as well just spit this shit out then.

“Meghan?” He said my name deeply.

“Yes, that’s what has me acting like this, but that’s not the only thing.” I ran my hands over my legs again, trying to stop them from shaking.

“Why?” he asked and moved a step closer again. I couldn’t breathe at the moment and began to feel lightheaded.

“Because…” I managed to say, my voice nothing more than a whisper.

“Because why?” He took another step closer; the shocked expression still on his face was mixed with that other thing I couldn’t put my finger on.

He was just a foot from me now, the smell of the alcohol that laced his breath and the cologne he wore making me feel drunk.

“Because why, Meghan?”

God, why was this so hard?

“Because I don’t want you loving anyone.” There, I’d said part of it. That was an accomplishment, right?

But my heart was beating so hard, so fast, that I swore he’d be able to hear it, see it beating rapidly under my flesh.

He didn’t move, but he still held my gaze, still made me feel like he could see right inside of my soul.

“You don’t want me loving anyone?” he said softly, deeply and lowered his gaze to my mouth.

Oh God. I felt like I could combust right here and now.

“I don’t want you loving anyone else,” I whispered. I could have closed my eyes at the sheer terror that went through me, but instead, I forced myself to look him in the eyes. I don’t know how long we stood there, both of us barely breathing, but finally he leaned back an inch. I found myself breathing in deeply, not realizing I’d been holding my breath.

“You love me?” The way he said it made me feel really off kilter, like maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.

“Yes, I love you, Brendan.”

He broke eye contact with me, looking at the ground, and I saw his jaw working. It was clear he was deep in thought, and I knew I’d just ruined this.

Too late to take it back now. Too late to try and make this seem less serious than it is.

Because it was serious, so serious I now knew telling him was the right thing, whether it turned out horribly or not.