Romance Impossible(83)

"Yeah," I said. "I think so."

I had a quick shower back in my hotel, and changed into the sleek maroon dress I'd brought for this very occasion. It would have been a piteous waste if I hadn't found an excuse to wear it, really.

The restaurant was nice. A little too nice. Something about it reminded me of Eric, back in L.A., there was a cold clench of panic in my chest. I forced it down, walking up to the bar and ordering a glass of white wine.

"Hello," said a voice from the next seat down.

I gripped the edge of the bar.

"Hi," I said, before turning to look at him. "I didn't think you would be here."

Max raised his glass in a sort of shrug, or maybe it was meant to be a toast. To what, or to whom, I couldn't imagine.

He looked tired.

"It's so good to see you again," he said, very quietly. "To see that you're..." he was hesitating. I tried to remember if I'd ever seen him at a loss for words like this, with anyone else. "...I mean, obviously I've been hearing things. I knew you were doing well. But it's nice to see it, all the same."

I nodded, accepting my wine and taking a long sip.

I thought about trying to escape, but there was no one else to talk to. My young staff had found themselves in a raucous crowd, about as far from my style as was humanly possible - and I just couldn't deal with it. I'd rather sit here in awkward, progressively drunken silence with the second man who'd broken my heart.

"You know, it's funny," said Max, after a very long time. I blinked, and realized that the bartender was nowhere in sight anymore. Neither was anyone else, for that matter.

He was smiling humorlessly, staring at some fixed point on the wall that I couldn't quite make out. "I used to dream - and believe me, I know how ridiculous this sounds - I used to dream about rescuing you from that place. I could see that you wanted better. That you deserved better. And when I finally saw my opportunity, completely by chance, it felt like...I don't know. Fate. Providence, if you believe in that sort of thing. I hadn't been able to stop thinking about you, for so long."

He sighed, squeezing his eyes shut tightly for a moment. He pressed his thumb and forefinger against them, for a moment, and then finally spoke again. "Now, of course, I can see things I couldn't see back then. You were happy there. Shortcomings be damned, you were doing your best and taking pride in your job until my pompous ass came in and started slinging arrows. It was for your own good, I told myself. But I was being selfish. Like always."

I opened my mouth to protest, but he raised a hand.

"Please," he said, looking at me. "Don't. I might be harsh on myself, but it's nothing I don't deserve."

I kept my lips sealed.

"I can see now," he said, his eyes fixed on my face, "I can see it so clearly, what I couldn't see before - or didn't want to. I fell for you that night, in Giovanni's. I fell for you, because you looked lost. You looked like you needed someone. Me, I thought."#p#分页标题#e#

His eyes dropped. "I know now, of course, how stupid that was. You didn't need a white knight, and if you seemed unhappy it was because of me. Because of the things I said. For a long time after you left, I told myself I'd get over you. Because the fact that you walked away - that meant you didn't need me. And it's like you said: I need to be needed. For a while I'd almost convinced myself it was over. But I still woke up every morning, and you were the first thing I thought of. The last thing in my head when I went to sleep.

"The way I was taught, you break people like horses. It's the only way to get through to them, sometimes. But eventually, you find that you can't relate to people any other way. It's nasty, it's brutal, but it becomes second nature. I'm not trying to make excuses. I don't know what I'm trying to do. But Jill, I just..."

Max took a deep breath.

"I want you to know that I....care for you very much, and I always will. It started out as something - well, less than flattering, but it didn't take me long to realize how wrong I was about you. By the time we were in New York together, I'm sure you remember..." he drifted off here for a moment, lost in the memory. "My feelings had grown into something completely different. I'd gotten to know you, who you really are, I'd seen you perform under pressure and I was completely taken with your grace. It was the same thing you showed me, all those years ago, at Giovanni's, and I started to realize it was a character trait. You never lashed out. You held yourself with pride. Not vanity - pride. I hadn't seen that in a long time."

I couldn't have said anything if I wanted to.

"Excuse me," came a voice from somewhere. I blinked, and shook my head. One of the waitstaff was standing awkwardly, a few feet away, holding an empty drink tray in front of his torso like a shield.