Rellik(4)

“Are they okay?” It felt as though someone had stomped on my chest. This was not the kind of surprise you expected on your birthday.

“Your mother is fine. She wasn’t with your father at the time. The doctors are doing everything they can to help them.” Mr. Thomas covered my dirty hand with his damp palm. I couldn’t look him in the eye because it would only confirm that this was all real. Instead, I focused on the small bead of sweat clinging to his tanned flesh just below his auburn hair, which was uncharacteristically disheveled. “She called me and asked me to take you into the hospital.”

My thoughts briefly drifted over his words, and I had only absorbed one. “Them? What do you mean them? Who was with him?”

He looked back at the officer before offering me a sad smile. “Grab your things. We can talk more on the road. Did you have lunch yet?”

I shook my head, wondering how I could even eat after hearing something like this.

“I had just finished my lunch at Franklin’s Deli when I got the call, so we can stop at a drive-through on the way.” His hand slid from mine, and he took a step back. I slowly stood and walked toward the door, with Mr. Thomas following close behind me. The hall was still empty, something I normally loved because it felt like a different world without all the people and noise, but now it felt small and suffocating. Tragedy has a way of putting life in perspective like that. I could smell the food from the cafeteria, and it turned my stomach as I stopped in front of Ms. Simmons’s door. I gripped the handle, shoving it wide open. The entire class sat silently, staring at me as I froze in the doorway. I felt utterly and devastatingly alone.

My skin was on fire, and I could feel it dampen under my tears, but I was unable to regain my composure. Still, the world continued to spin as I cried unabashedly. I’d just wanted to be noticed, and now all I wanted was to disappear, evaporate. Kids whispered and giggled, but I heard nothing except the steady whooshing of blood in my ears as my heart raced. It felt like my veins had been electrified, and I couldn’t help but shuffle from one foot to the other. One set of eyes stayed locked on mine. Katie’s expression mirrored my own sadness as she mouthed the words, “Are you okay?” I couldn’t even find the strength to shake my head. Through blurred vision I stared down at my smudged fingers and waited for Mr. Thomas to retrieve my book bag. No one else spoke a word to me, and I wasn’t even sure I was still breathing. All I could hear were my fears in rapid succession screaming inside my head. Even in the moment of unknowing and panic, I was able to take a lesson from Katie, although it took me a few years to realize it. That moment of compassion when she owed me nothing changed something in me, but there would be a lot more changes before the day would end.

Mr. Thomas led me to his car, and I slid into the old beige Buick, the heat from the day making it feel as if I were in a sauna. As he got into the driver side, he tossed my book bag onto the backseat and offered me a sad smile.

“Everything is going to be okay,” he said as he twisted the key in the ignition. The engine sputtered before growling to life. I pulled my seat belt across my chest and clicked it into place.

“What happened?” I asked, knowing I wasn’t prepared to hear the answer.

Mr. Thomas sighed as he adjusted his grip on the steering wheel, and I focused on the rearview mirror. “I think I should leave that to your mother to explain.” He glanced in the rearview mirror as he drove into the turning lane and headed toward the hospital.

We rode in silence, only speaking when he asked me what food I wanted from Shambles drive-through. I rattled off a number, knowing I wouldn’t be able to eat anything until I knew my dad was okay, but maybe my mother would need something.

We parked near the emergency room entrance, and I froze, suddenly terrified to know the truth that was on the other side of the automatic doors. In this moment he was neither alive nor dead. We were suspended in a state of unknowing, and I wanted to stay there for as long as possible. My father was everything to me.

Mr. Thomas got out of the car and came to my side, pulling open the door for me. I hesitated, hating that in such a vulnerable moment, I had to force back my tears so I could be strong for my mother. I pushed myself out of the car, paper bag of food in hand, and walked toward the automatic doors that read EMERGENCY in red-lighted lettering.

Mr. Thomas kept his hand on my shoulder as he guided me from the waiting area to a set of heavy, thick, wooden doors. He hit the button on the wall, and they opened before me. The sight of doctors and patients hurrying through the mint-colored hall filled my view.