Relinquish(55)

Bastien never tried to change who I was, even when I gave him a reason to fear me. He knows my struggles better than anyone, even Carleon. He also knows how terrified I’m of the thought of taking the next step toward my destiny.

Without saying a word, he holds out his arm and waits. I react before my brain has a chance to shout a warning, pressing into his side. He is warm and solid, safe. His arm closes around me and I lie there with tears brimming in my eyes as I feel the weight of the past year fall down upon me.

He lets me cry. Sometimes my tears are silent; other times they fall in wracking sobs that grip me so hard I struggle to breathe. Still, he holds me, giving me the support Eamon was never able to.

As my tears subside, I realize how dangerous this is, but I can’t bring myself to care. He is here when I need him. For now, that is all that matters.

“Thank you.” I wipe tears from my face, feeling the spreading dampness against his chest. He doesn’t even seem to notice. I can feel his gaze upon me, searching. “What?”

“I want to come with you.”

“You’re my guide. Of course you’re going with me.” I laugh softly. I brush back my hair from my face, suddenly feeling overly warm.

“That’s not what I meant.”

I close my eyes, realizing my mistake. I walked right into that one. Shaking my head, I draw myself up to a sitting position. The covers fall away and the chill instantly returns. I shiver and wrap my arms around myself. “It’s not going to happen so please don’t push it.”

Bastien thrusts upward, propping on his elbows. The planes of his face are hard set with fierce determination. Even his eyes look darker than normal against the pale light beginning to seep into the room. When did the sun begin to rise?

“I won’t agree to take you to Drakon’s base if you don’t accept my terms. I go with you to Calisted, and there is zero wiggle room here.”

I gasp, my hands trembling as I clench the covers. “You’re threatening me?”

“Not because I want to.” I can see the truth of his words in the way he lifts his chin and stares at me with an alert, expectant gaze. “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe.

“Why?” My voice cracks and I’m forced to clear my throat. I feel lightheaded, as if all the air has been sucked from the room through the small cracks in the windows. “You know they will kill you.”

“I don’t care.” He reaches out and places a hand against my cheek, cupping it with such gentleness my tears start anew. Every fiber in my being longs to press into his hand, to encourage him to hold me again, but I know how damaging it would be.

“You can’t come.”

He opens his mouth to protest, to fight for his right to be there to protect me, but then his gaze shifts beyond me. I can almost see the wheels turning over in his mind. I hate it when he does this. “You’re hiding something.”

“I just… I don’t want you there.”

He recoils as if he’d been gunned down with a stun laser from ten paces. His jaw goes slack and color leaches from his face. He swallows roughly and then returns his gaze to me. “I’m not buying it.” He pulls the covers from his lap and shifts so our knees touch. “You’ve always been a terrible liar”

“Only with you,” I mutter, absently curling a lock of hair around my finger, twisting it until individual hairs begin to tear from my scalp. The tip of my finger turns purple and numb, and still I twirl. I blink when Bastien places a hand over mine. “The truth, please.”

Staring into his face, mere inches from mine as he unwinds my hair, I know it is time. “I had a vision about you a year ago,” I whisper. “About your death.”

I want to look away, to bury my face in my hands so he can’t see the depth to which this has pained me, but I can’t. He has consumed me. The last bit of color drains from his face, leaving behind a wash of white. “Was it—” He cuts off, shaking his head. “Never mind. I don’t want to know.”

There was so much blood… I think, shivering. I reach out and grasp his arm, startling him. “No matter what happens, please promise me you won’t follow me to Calisted. If you do…” I don’t have to finish that thought. We both know where it leads.

Bastien slowly nods, closing his eyes as he does so. I’m rocked by the raw pain I see when he opens his eyes once more. He claps his hand over mine, squeezing tightly. “If this is what it takes to keep you safe, then so be it.”

“No!” I wrench back from his grasp, horrified at the resignation I see before me. How can he give up so easily? “I’m not worth it.”